How to prevent another NHL lockout

"How many fingers am I holding up?  That's how many lockouts the NHL will have suffered by time I'm done here.
You're welcome, David Stern!"

For the, uhh, millionth third time in the Gary Bettman era, the NHL faces the possibility of a lockout that would shorten, or worse-yet cancel another season of NHL hockey.  In case you didn't know, Bettman worked for David Stern in the NBA before becoming NHL commissioner in 1993.  The first lockout happened in the fall of 1994 (yes, right as MLB was finishing up a strike of their own) and forced the 1994-95 season down to 48 games.  But I'm not complaining, because there was a happy ending to that season.  Then, exactly 10 years later, the entire 2004-05 season was lost to a lockout.  So here we are in 2012, desperately hoping to avoid a third lockout in a 20 year period.  Gary Bettman told us not to be worried three weeks ago, but now says he's prepared for a lockout.  But this can all be avoided.  I've arranged a few helpful tips for the NHL and NHLPA to prevent another lockout.

• Well, the easiest way to settle the labor war is to lock Gary Bettman and NHLPA director Donald Fehr into a room, and whoever comes out alive after an hour gets whatever they want in the new Collective Bargaining Agreement.
   
• Make sure the next CBA has a no-lockout clause, similarly to players' no-trade clauses.
   
• Have the NHLPA hire someone who's been in a sport that never locks out.  Okay, anyone but Donald Fehr...
   
• Tell Ryan Suter and Zach Parise that they won't be able to make their salaries...oh, right, they have massive signing bonuses that pay them even if this very sort of thing happens.  Never mind...
   
• Put Dany Heatley on the NHLPA's player committee and tell him that if there's no CBA in place, he can't inevitably request a trade to Edmonton.  Or Pittsburgh. 

How the West was won: LA Kings 2011-12 timeline

"Careful, Dustin, this rug is awfully slippery. We wouldn't want you to fall so easily."

Last night, the Los Angeles Kings beat the Phoenix Coyotes in overtime to clinch the Western Conference and advance to the franchise's second Stanley Cup Final.  This is good news for us Twitter maniacs, as this means the LA Kings' Twitter account will be busy through the Finals.  So how did this Kings run to the Finals come to be?


June 23rd: Flyers GM Paul Holmgren promises Kings GM Dean Lombardi that trading for Mike Richards would help him land the Richards he really wanted to sign.

June 24th: Mike Richards sends Jeff Carter a sympathy card postmarked Columbus, Ohio.

July 2nd: Brad Richards signs with the Rangers, to nobody's surprise.  Except a very frustrated Dean Lombardi.

July 3rd: Lombardi calls Gary Bettman to see if the NHL has rejected Ilya Kovalchuk's second contract with the Devils yet.

October 7th: The Kings open their season in Sweden (yes, the NHL used to do that...) against the New York Rangers.  Hmm...

October 13th: The Kings play their first game in North America, against the New Jersey Devils.  Hmm...

What would it mean to win the Stanley Cup?

(insert your own Gary Bettman/Stanley Cup joke here)

Which ever of the four remaining teams wins the Stanley Cup this year, there will be several first-time winners on that team's roster.  That means a very special moment in a team and players' history is just a few weeks away from happening.  Winning the Stanley Cup is often a dream realized by many NHL players and coaches, so let's take a look at just what it would mean to win the Cup.


Brad Richards - He's prepared a speech to give in the locker room after the game, in which he'll talk about what winning the Cup means to him.  Meanwhile, John Tortorella and Ruslan Fedotenko will just roll their eyes.

Shane Doan - After spending his day with the Cup, he'll be awfully confused as to why all of his equipment has been postmarked "Quebec City."

Jeff Carter, Mike Richards, Simon Gagne, Justin Williams, John Stevens - After winning the Cup, they've planned to meet outside their local Philly bar, but they won't be able to figure out why everyone in Philly keeps cursing out New Jersey.

Martin Brodeur - He'd obviously like a fourth Cup, but nobody has been able to figure out why he keeps Patrick Roy's number waiting on speed dial.

Mike Smith - He'd love to win the Stanley Cup, because it'd give him another large object to slam LA Kings' players with repeatedly.

Biggest surprises in the 2012 playoffs (so far)

A collection of objects that went through Ilya Bryzgalov's five-hole this month.

The 2012 Stanley Cup playoffs turned four weeks old this past Wednesday, and by now, most people's brackets have been ruined.  Things haven't exactly gone as 'experts' thought they would to this point, but there have been more surprises than just which teams are still playing.  Here's what I mean.

• Jeremy Roenick called out several Russian players in the playoffs this season.  None of them were his ex-teammates in San Jose.
   
• After beating the Bruins in Game 7, Caps GM George McPhee said he might break the team's tradition of trading away their best goalie after flopping in the playoffs.
   
• Jamie Langenbrunner's team is on the brink of being bounced out of the playoffs in the second round.  The real surprise is that Jamie Langenbrunner's team hasn't been bounced out already.
   
• It's surprising that with all the bad shots Michael Yormark took at Devils fans that none of them went through Ilya Bryzgalov's five-hole.
   
• Tyler Seguin's popularity among females is gaining on Justin Bieber's.

Players who could impact the NHL playoff race

"I start to play good when we fire our coach, hahahaha!!! ... we fired Bruce Who-dreau???"

As the NHL regular season winds down into its final quarter, the playoff race is tight in both conferences, despite Eastern Conference teams seemingly trying everything they can to miss the playoffs.  As you might expect, teams are banking on certain players to have a significant impact on the playoff race, so I figured I'd mention a few of them.


Sidney Crosby - Most times, teams are thrilled when players can have a positive impact on their own team, yet every time Sidney Crosby's name is mentioned in NHL locker rooms recently, goalies seem to freeze and pass out.  Except for Maple Leafs goaltenders, since they've already headed for the showers by the second period.


Ilya Bryzgalov - Ilya Bryzgalov seems to have saved his season, and there's a good reason why.  He's spent all season trying to find the exact spot in the universe where his former team, the Phoenix Coyotes will be playing next season, after finding no results for "2012-13 Coyotes season tickets."


Alexander Radulov - Due to a bizarre set of circumstances, Radulov might actually come to the NHL this season and play with the Preds in the playoffs.  If he gets the Preds past the first round, he'd be the first russian hockey player named "Alexander" to succeed in the NHL playoffs.

Comparing the NHL stretch run and MLB Spring Training



Alex Rodriguez isn't the only Alex who's been distracted from his sport recently.



It's about this time of year that professional baseball players and major league-hopefuls are reporting to Arizona or Florida for MLB's annual Spring Training.  It's also this time of year that the NHL is preparing for the final stretch before the playoffs.  I figured there have to be some similarities and differences, and it turns out that I was right...well, sort of.


Similarity: The games are completely meaningless for teams from Washington D.C.
Difference: The Nationals could surprise everyone and compete for a playoff spot.


Similarity: Superstar players are meeting their new teams, either after free agency or trades.
Difference: Rick Nash expects to meet his very first full-time NHL team next week.


Similarity: Many teams are preparing for this season, while others are already looking towards next season.
Difference: For hockey fans in Phoenix, they are very, very afraid of next season.


Similarity: The New York teams are trying to build on the Giants' Superbowl victory by bringing the Big Apple more championships this year.
Difference: The Mets and Islanders sit off to the side awkwardly.


Similarity: Teams in both leagues are making trades to improve their team.
Difference: The Colorado Avalanche are getting manipulated miserably by Steve Yzerman.

How does a hockey fan watch the Superbowl?

These two trophies are pretty much the same.  Well, except that the one on the left is smaller and has never been to Canada.

In the event that you live under a rock or are completely clueless, this Sunday is Superbowl Sunday.  The NFC and AFC champions, New York Giants and New England Patriots, respectively, will play in a winner-take-all Superbowl on Sunday evening.  Most Americans will be watching this football game, while others will watch the commercials and others will just attend Superbowl parties for the free food.  But hockey fans are different.  Hockey fans have a unique way of watching the Superbowl.  In fact, hockey fans use their hockey knowledge while watching football.  Take a look:


Hockey: Any time a hit is delivered to any hockey player by another hockey player, Zac Rinaldo is given a penalty.
Football: Unlike hockey, officials actually allow hits and contact, because it is a physical sport.


Hockey: The clock stops when there is an icing, off-side, goal, penalty or the scorekeepers decide to stop the clock late in the third period.
Football: The clock stops whenever a trainer has to tend to a quarterback that Jason Pierre-Paul has levelled.


Football: There is a 2-point conversion in football as an option after a scoring play called a touchdown.
Hockey: There is an 8-point conversion in hockey, but only Sam Gagner knows how to score it.


Hockey: An icing occurs when the puck is sent more than halfway down the ice by a player on the defensive half of the rink...or when goalies shoot and miss the empty net.
Football: An icing occurs when Jason Garrett wants to help the Giants win the NFC East.


Football: The Refrigerator refers to a former NFL defensive tackle who ran people over like a refrigerator.
Hockey: The Refrigerator is the the appliance that Dustin Penner keeps the delicious weapons that injure him in.

2012 NHL All-Star Weekend recap

Patrick Kane doing his best Vancouver Canucks impression.  Something like that.

Another All-Star weekend is in the books.  This year's festivities in Ottawa concluded last night with the All-Star Game exhibition.  Although many hockey fans claim that they don't really care about the All-Star Game, most die-hard hockey fans watch it anyway.  Since you're reading this, you probably watched at least part of the weekend, so here's a recap in case you missed any of it.

• Carey Price knelt in his crease, Tebow-style and then turned his back to the shooter in the breakaway competition.  This is also known as "Steve Mason-syndrome."
   
• Patrick Kane's Superman cape was the highlight of his career, based on goals scored on goalies other than Michael Leighton.
   
• The car Logan Couture won for being picked last in the All-Star draft was the second fastest machine in Ottawa during the weekend to Zdeno Chara's slapshot.
   
• The arena security had trouble identifying Scott Gomez at the gate, so they didn't let him into the building.
   
• The league announced that the 2013 All-Star Game will be held in Columbus, where Jeff Carter will inevitably make his return to Columbus. 

Signs of an upcoming NHL labor war



"Why did the NHLPA not approve our new re-alignment format?  I don't know.  They're always so good to us..."


Last night, the NHL Player's Association did not approve the league's newly proposed conference/playoff format that would accommodate the move of the Atlanta Thrashers to Winnipeg.  The re-alignment was viewed as bad for travel and an unfair playoff format.  This could be viewed upon by fans as the start of long labor negotiations between the league and the players, but in fairness, there have already been some signs of that.  Here's what I mean.

• The Vancouver Canucks benched Roberto Luongo in favor of Cory Schneider for the team's game in Boston, thus hurting the league's desire for higher scoring games.
   
• John Tortorella keeps accusing NHL officiating as being "disgusting," but then apologizes, because he remembers that saying something interesting could generate better ratings.
   
• The Player's Association continues to threaten NBC and the NHL by telling them that if they don't get what they want, they will make sure the Florida Panthers make the playoffs. 

Other celebrities that practiced with an NHL team

Celebrities visiting NHL practices are nothing new, actually.

This week, two major figures in pop culture, Michael Buble and Justin Bieber, practiced with NHL teams: the Canucks and Maple Leafs, respectively.  While I'm not sure if Jake Gardiner personally requested to meet Bieber, I can tell you that celebrities and hockey teams have mixed in the past.  Take a look and you'll see what I mean.


New York Rangers - Some claim he plays hockey professionally, but either way, the New York Rangers have invited fashion superstar Sean Avery to many of their practices.  He's even made it into the Rangers' lineup a few times.


Los Angeles Kings - The Kings reportedly invited Leonardo DiCaprio to one of their practices, however the players and DiCaprio seemed to bond when the topic of never winning a major award was brought up.


Carolina Hurricanes - As training camp began for the Hurricanes last fall, a rumor was floating around the locker room that the Jonas Brothers had been invited to their camp, judging by the spike in teenage girls surrounding the team.  Then Jeff Skinner arrived and it all made sense.


Washington Capitals - President Obama met with the locals, the Washington Capitals recently, since he hasn't met with them over a Stanley Cup celebration.  At the end of the day, most people agreed that Obama and Alexander Semin have something in common: people want them out of town next year.

NHL 2011-12: Contender of pretender?

We're far enough into the NHL season (every team has played at least 10 games...except the Islanders) where we can begin to seperate the contenders from the pretenders.  These are the teams that we're not really used to seeing in prominent positions in the NHL standings.  I think you know where this is headed: I've created a guide to help you decide whether a team is a contender of pretender.


Toronto Maple Leafs: 8-3-1 (17 points: 2nd in NHL)

Why they're contenders: The magic of Phil Kessel, who leads the NHL in every category other than most goaltenders injured.
Why they're pretenders: Kessel's 23.8 shooting percentage and MacArthur's 26.7 shooting percentage is as inflated as the real estate market was four years ago.
Verdict: Does the Leafs' planned parade route stop by the Hockey Hall of Fame? ... Sorry, force of habit...



Dallas Stars: 8-3-0 (16 points: Tied for 3rd in NHL)

Why they're contenders: Dallas has revived Sheldon Souray and Jamie Benn scores goals that make Blue Jackets players wonder why they're even in the NHL.
Why they're pretenders: Didn't they get off to a good start last year too?
Verdict: Even if they lose every game for the rest of the season, they'll be the 3rd best team of the 4 major sports in the Dallas area.


Edmonton Oilers: 7-2-2 (16 points: Tied for 3rd in NHL)

Why they're contenders: Two first overall picks in a row probably will make your team better, eventually.
Why they're pretenders: Linus Omark was sent down to the AHL, so the Oilers have no incentive to win shootouts now.
Verdict: Nail Yakupov could really help them long-term...


Phoenix Coyotes: 6-3-2 (14 points: Tied for 8th in NHL)

Why they're contenders: As long as they're coached by Dave Tippett and have a goaltender who knows what pads are, they'll be decent.
Why they're pretenders: The Coyotes' owners apparently tend to cancel things and lose a lot of money for a lot of people.
Verdict: The team's shooting percentage is 9.7%, which is approximately the percentage of seats that have ever been filled for hockey games at Jobing.com Arena, give or take 9%.


Colorado Avalanche: 7-5-0 (14 points: Tied for 8th in NHL)

Why they're contenders: Ryan O'Byrne has already scored a goal this year.  To clarify, it was a goal for the Avs...
Why they're pretenders: If they keep waiting on the potential of Erik Johnson, they'll be waiting longer than Islander fans waiting for Brian Rolston's stick to strike the puck when he loads up.
Verdict: Somehow, the Avs are 7-5, but the team is a combined -37 in terms of +/- rating.


Ottawa Senators: 7-6-0 (14 points: Tied for 8th in NHL)

Why they're contenders: They've played 13 games, and they don't have 13 losses yet.
Why they're pretenders: Sens players have reportedly talked about winning some huge silver Cup this year.  C'mon, the Calder Cup isn't that big...
Verdict: Losing to the 2nd worst team in the NHL normally wouldn't be unusual for Ottawa, since they're usually right behind that team.  That wasn't the case this week.


Florida Panthers: 6-4-1 (13 points: Tied for 12th in NHL)

Why they're contenders: They renovated their roster coming into this season by signing every free agent available.

Why they're pretenders: Their signings of guys like.......oh, so they didn't really sign anyone good?!

Verdict: It's about quality, not quantity...unless you're talking about getting fans to attend home games.

 

 

Minnesota Wild: 5-3-3 (13 points: Tied for 12th in NHL)

 

Why they're contenders: They've had some dramatic moments already this season, and even Dany Heatley seems exciting to be on the team.

Why they're pretenders: Heatley hasn't experienced a Minnesota winter yet.  That's when trade rumors could surface.

Verdict: They're still the only team in NHL history to have never outshot their opponent in any game.  Okay, that's a minuscule exaggeration...

 

 

Carolina Hurricanes: 5-4-3 (13 points: Tied for12th in the NHL)

 

Why they're contenders: They're always in contention...at least until the last day of the season when all they need to do is win one home game to make the playoffs.

Why they're pretenders: Eric Staal is a -13 and Tomas Kaberle still thinks he's good.

Verdict: As a side note, Jeff Skinner told his team he was participating in No-Shave November.  The team is still laughing at him.

How to tell if your team has a goaltending problem

For obvious reasons, last night's 17 goal shootout in Philadelphia raised more questions about the Flyers' goaltending situation.  That seems to be a common theme and Flyers tradition over the past decades.  But it isn't only the Flyers who have goaltending issues.  Check out this helpful guide to see if your team is facing goaltending issues.


No Problem - Your team's starting goalie has developed a creative dance that he performs at the end of every victory.
Problem - Your team's starting goalie has apparently forgot the dance because he can't use it.

No problem - Your team's goalie uses pads as massive as Henrik Lundqvist...or your team's starting goalie is Henrik Lundqvist.
Problem - Your team's "starting" goalie seems alarmed when the siren sounds to end a period, since he usually doesn't make it to the end of a period.

No problem - Your general manager signed a goaltender to a cheap contract because he wants to win a Stanley Cup, even though nobody else on your team wants to win the Cup.
Problem - Your team's goaltender drives a Ferrari and likes to race through the desert.

No problem - Martin Brodeur recently asked your team's goalie to borrow his pads.
Problem - That goalie becomes a free agent soon, and judging by your team's track record with goalies, that isn't a good thing.

No problem - Your team's goalie has won a pair of Vezina trophies over the past three seasons.
Problem - Your team's goalie has won a pair of Vezina's, but refuses to score goals to support him.

No problem - It's July and your team's general manager just signed a star goaltender to a long contract.
Problem - It's October, and that same goaltender somehow got lost in the woods.

No problem - Your team is coached by Dave Tippett.
Problem - If your team is coached by Dave Tippett, you have other things to worry about than goaltending.

No problem - When asked about his team's goaltending situation, your team's general manager simply replies "status quo."
Problem - Your team's head coach says "we need to start playing as well as the Senators," and he means it.

No problem - Your team has a goalie named Jonathan, and another named Jonathan to back him up.
Problem - Your opponent fires their assistant coach and has their captain steamroll goalies.

No problem - You have Nicklas Lidstrom on your team.
Problem - You have Brett Lebda on your team.

Problem - Your team's goaltender has ever heard of the Flyers.
Even worse problem - Your team's goaltender is under contract for the better part of the decade with the Canucks.
Worst problem of them all - Your team's goaltender has a contract for this decade and part of the next with the Islanders.

DGA's Playoff Bracket

First of all, I must give credit where credit is due.  Every logo you see is courtesy of Chris Creamer's Sports Logos (sportslogos.net).  The template is courtesy of exceltemplates.net.  The official 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs logo was taken from fangsbites.com.

So, it's that time of year again.  No, not Opening Day for baseball or the NCAA March Madness or the NBA Playoffs, it's hockey time and it's time for the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs.  This was one of the toughest brackets I've done for hockey.  Usually, I feel confident with all of my picks, but this season, I could literally make a case for any of the 16 teams winning a round.  With that said, here are my picks:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

#1 Washington Capitals vs. #8 New York Rangers
There's storylines heading into this series.  The Rangers have battled through injuries all season and Marian Gaborik has a terrific, injury-free season.  Umm, okay, maybe not, but they got lucky getting into the playoffs, as Carolina lost on home ice and blew a chance to get in.  The Caps are a much more defensively-aware team, translated: they don't score like they used to.  In fact, neither team was particularly strong offensively this season.  The difference in this series (ugh, here we go again) will be goaltending.  Henrik Lundqvist is leaps and bounds stronger than any of the Caps' young goaltenders, and he will be able to lead the Rangers past Washington.  It won't be easy, but I don't think this is the season Washington gets over their playoff struggles.  With that said, if the Caps get by the Rangers, they could be on their way to the Finals, but I'm not sure they will.

DGA Prediction - Rangers in 7.


#2 Philadelphia Flyers vs. #7 Buffalo Sabres
I might sound hypocritical here.  I just rambled on and on about goaltending, yet I am predicting the city of revolving goalies, Philly, to knock off one of the world's greatest goalies, Ryan Miller and the new-look Sabres.  This isn't going to be an easy series, either, but I think the Flyers will wake up and win the series, although I'm not terribly confident in my pick here.  I think the Flyers have enough depth at forward to beat the Sabres and, oh crap, is that Michael Leighton I see???

DGA Prediction - Flyers in 6.


#3 Boston Bruins vs. #6 Montreal Canadiens
That's odd, I sense tension between these two teams coming into the series.  I'm probably wrong.  I'm pretty confident with this pick, however.  I don't really think the Canadiens are going to go on a long playoff run this season.  I think Boston is a deeper and more talented team in every category, including in net.  I would actually be surprised if Montreal wins this series, contrary to most of the other series, where any team could realistically win.  The silver lining for Montreal: they won't get swept.

DGA Prediction - Bruins in 5.


#4 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #5 Tampa Bay Lightning
Let's see, the Penguins are better defensively and probably in goal as well, but the Lightning are stronger offensively.  However, it is easy to overlook two important factors: Steven Stamkos cooled off faster than a piece of burned toast sitting on an iceberg in the season's second half and apparently, the Penguins are close to getting a really, really, really good player back from injury.  Hypothetically, this player could help Pittsburgh, and I believe they will win this series.

DGA Prediction - Penguins in 6.


WESTERN CONFERENCE

#1 Vancouver Canucks vs. #8 Chicago Blackhawks
I can almost guarantee you that nobody in Vancouver is singing "Chelsea Dagger" right now, and if they are, it's giving them nightmares.  But have no fear, British Columbia, these Blackhawks are not the Hawks of the past two seasons, and this Canucks team is much more talented and deeper.  Obviously, there could be a mental aspect of this series, but assuming the Canucks can overcome that, they'll win this series.  This isn't the Canucks' year to win the Cup, but they'll make a run.

DGA Prediction - Canucks in 7.


#2 San Jose Sharks vs. #7 Los Angeles Kings
The Kings really do nothing for me in the impressive department.  The Sharks, however, have quietly had a very strong season.  Here's another rare series that I would be surprised if a certain team won, and I think San Jose will come out of this series, relatively easily.  The Kings are not as talented, and their injuries will catch up to them and ultimately knock them out of the playoffs.  I know the subject has been beaten to death, worse than baseball fans in San Fransisco (I do wish the injured in that incident all the best), but L.A. needs scoring, and it won't happen this season.

DGA Prediction - Sharks in 5.


#3 Detroit Red Wings vs. #6 Phoenix Coyotes
If you're a new hockey fan, you might not be aware of the existance of a hockey team in Arizona, but trust me, there is one.  They're quite strong, too.  Phoenix isn't getting as much attention as they did last season, but this is still a solid team.  The problem is, they're playing a much more experienced, mightier Red Wings team, and Detroit will repeat their efforts from last season's playoffs and eliminate the Coyotes again.  I am fairly confident in this pick, but Detroit's inconsistencies in goal are scary.

DGA Prediction - Red Wings in 6.


#4 Anaheim Ducks vs. #5 Nashville Predators
The Anaheim Ducks are an exciting offensive team, and they've made a strong run into the playoffs, but they're not deep enough to beat the Predators' strong defense.  Nashville's star defensemen (and maybe their star female celebrity country singer, too) will shut down the big offensive power of the Ducks.  Besides, if they don't, the Finnish Giant, Pekka Rinne, will clean up their breakdowns.  This isn't Anaheim's year, but next season, they'll be very strong if Teemu Selanne comes back.  Cam Fowler is going to be a star defensemen.  This season will be Nashville's first series win.

DGA Prediction - Predators in 6.


So, there you have it, my semi-conservative, not-too-confident playoff predictions for round one.  You can see my predictions for the remainder of the playoffs in the bracket above.  I think Pittsburgh will be able to claw their way to the Stanley Cup Finals, but they'll be topped by a very strong Sharks team.  As I sat in the stands of the Sharks-Devils game in February, I thought to myself, this team is going to the Finals (not the Devils...), and I'm sticking with that pick.

I think Vancouver will be able to make it to the conference finals, but again, San Jose will be able to get by them.  As for the East, Philly will edged by Pittsburgh in a long, tough, physical series.

So what do you think?  Am I a complete idiot or is there a method to my madness?  Take a minute to leave a comment and share your thoughts. 

What to expect and what not to expect from NHL GM Meetings

Next week, all 30 NHL General Managers will head to Boca Raton, Florida for the annual GM meetings.  This conference is meant to solve problems and develop new ideas in the NHL, from suspendable hits to financing Gary Bettman's new mansion.  They'll be doing a lot of talking, but this year, will they actually do something?  Here are my predictions:



WHAT TO EXPECT - Expect Gary Bettman to complain about rising salaries in the NHL, and his genuine concern about the likely increase in the NHL salary cap this summer.
WHAT NOT TO EXPECT - Do not expect Bettman to acknowledge the fact that he is averaging a higher salary than Ilya Kovalchuk.


EXPECT - To hear about a suspicious looking man that thinks he's whispering into his microphone while simultaneously checking to make sure nobody sees him peeking through into the meeting room.
DON'T EXPECT - Pierre McGuire to say anything insightful while peeking into the meeting room.


EXPECT - Your team's GM to have a tan when he returns next weekend.
DON'T EXPECT - Glen Sather's tan fool you, he probably spent way too much money on it before he left New York.


EXPECT - Open talks about injuries in the NHL at breakfast.
DON'T EXPECT - Brian Burke to eat waffles at breakfast.


EXPECT - Bettman to ban Lou Lamoriello from using jelly for breakfast.
DON'T EXPECT - Richard Bloch to appeal Bettman's decision.


EXPECT - Gary Bettman to also slap Glen Sather after every offer sheet Sather attempts to sneak in early for Steven Stamkos and Zach Parise.
DON'T EXPECT - Glen Sather to realize that he will have no cap space to sign Brad Richards this summer if he wants to keep Callahan, Dubinsky, Boyle and Anisimov.


EXPECT - Gary Bettman's hairpiece to disappear, while Chris Pronger's car mysteriously drives away.
DON'T EXPECT - The local police to do anything about it.  It's not like they're in Montreal or anything...


EXPECT - People to remind Ray Shero that Matt Cooke is still on his team after he complains about Sidney Crosby's concussion.
DON'T EXPECT - To hear Garth Snow to admit Trevor Gillies is a dirty player.


EXPECT - 30 General Managers to suggest that the Phoenix Coyotes move to Winnipeg.
DON'T EXPECT - Gary Bettman to care.


EXPECT - Gary Bettman to express genuine concern for violence in the league today.
DON'T EXPECT - Bettman to point out that violence has lead to Air Canada threatening to remove its sponsorship with the NHL, and thus threatening Bettman's contract, which was not rejected by the league.


EXPECT - Everyone to laugh at the NFL for locking out.
DON'T EXPECT - The NHL to take advantage of the lockout.


EXPECT - One bold executive to question the league's officiating.
DON'T EXPECT - That executive to have a job next year.


EXPECT - Goaltender equipment and neutral zone defense to become a topic of discussion with scoring down this season.
DON'T EXPECT - Lou Lamoriello to refrain from using the jelly jars that Chris Pronger also stole from Bettman to give to Lou when Lou is criticized for using the trap even though every other team uses it...but can't perfect it.


EXPECT - Colin Campbell to crack down on dangerous hits and plays, and to threaten longer suspensions and heavier fines.
DON'T EXPECT - Peter Chiarelli to appear concerned at all...until he trades Gregory Campbell this summer.


EXPECT - Gary Bettman to 'defend' the Rangers' 23% increase in ticket prices next season, despite calling it "greedy."
DON'T EXPECT - Less Ranger fans at road games from now on.


EXPECT - A round of drinks on the house on the last night of meetings at a sports bar.
DON'T EXPECT - Hockey to be available on any of the TVs at the bar.


EXPECT - All the General Managers to feel good about themselves after the meetings.
DON'T EXPECT - Anything to be done about anything discussed during the meetings.


EXPECT - Your team's TV network to have a segment about the meetings next week.
DON'T EXPECT - Anyone in Phoenix to know the meetings ever happened, despite Gary Bettman's continued support of a hockey team in Glendale.

Likely conversation between Don Maloney and Michal Roszival

Yesterday, the New York Rangers shipped defenseman Michal Roszival to Phoenix in exchange for 24-year old forward Wojtek Wolski. This marks the second time Wolski has been traded in the past year. The deal was made mainly due to financial and salary cap reasons. The deal opens up an extra $1.2 million of salary cap space, while the Coyotes add salary cap space, but reduce their real-money payroll. However, when Roszival got to Phoenix and met Yotes GM Don Maloney, things got a little interesting.

Don Maloney: On behalf of our coaching staff, I would like to welcome you, Michal, to our hockey club.

Michal Roszival: Thanks, Donny. So, um, what will I be doing here?

DM: Well, we have great expectations for you. You will be paired up with Ed Jovanovski, and we...

MR: Wait, me with Ed Jovanovski? Wow, I've never been paired up with someone I've heard of!

DM: ...um, alright then, as I was saying, we...

MR: Wait a minute, I actually have to play hockey?

DM: ...um, of course! I gave up one of my only offensive threats to get you here.

MR: Hey, whatever, I'm making big bucks anyway.

DM: Well, that's the other thing, I wanted to talk to you about a conditional contract.

MR: Whatever the hell that means.

DM: Look, I'll pay you twenty dollars for every person in attendance at our home games.

MR: We don't use dollars in the Czech Republic...(makes mental calculations) wow that means if you sell this place out every night, I'll make over $13 million! I'm in!

DM: (to himself) YES!!! He totally fell for it! I love trades!

MR: Can I see the arena?

DM: Sure, right this way! (Leads Roszival into arena)

MR: Wow, this place looks just like it does on TV!

DM: There's nobody here...

MR: Exactly! ... Hey, wait a minute, if you're paying me in terms of how many people actually show up, I'll be broke!

DM: Well, of course not! You'll help us sell out! My brother Dave says you're a superstar!

MR: Wait, you mean that annoying guy who's always interviewing Rangers at the Garden?

DM: That's my brother!

MR: Oh, yeah, he calls everyone a superstar.

DM: Well I'm sure he meant that you are.

MR: You know, I'm really not. I mean, it's not like you got Tomas Kaberle, you got me. I completely fooled Glen Sather when I got that deal. I mean, at least I'm not Wade Redden!

DM: Who?

MR: You know, that guy from Ottawa that Sather spent like half the salary cap on and now dumped in the minors.

DM: Oh, well, I'm sure we won't have that problem here. Salary cap has never been an issue here. Well, it has, but not because we're at the cap!

MR: Did you bring me here to use cap space?

DM: No! Of course not! We brought you here to be a valuable piece to what we hope is a winning puzzle here in Phoenix!

MR: That's what Sather told me in New York. I leave Pittsburgh and they win a Cup, now I leave New York and I'm supposed to believe Phoenix will be better for me?

DM: Well, I didn't sign Wade Redden!

MR: You brought me here, isn't that bad enough?

DM: Hold on, I'm getting a call...Gary? Yeah, hi...I know you yold me not to spend any more money...what's that, you want me to clear cap space? Who do think we are, Chicago? Oh, right, New Jersey...alright, fine, but I'm not happy about it.

MR: Who was that?

DM: Gary Bettman, he owns the team.

MR: Who's team?

DM: OUR team! He told me to send you to the minors to clear cap space. Don't worry, I'm not going to listen.

MR: Nooooo...