Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Bizarre Predictions for the 2011-12 NHL season

Well, summer is over.  No more weekends at the beach, evenings outside, barbecues with the neighbors, trips to the ballpark, aww hell I'm depressing myself!  But there is good news out of all of this.  The calendar turning to September means that a new hockey season is approaching, you know, the time of year when the Oilers and Islanders are still mathematically alive for a playoff spot.  Yep, that time of year...  So, as my first blog post back for the new season, let's take a look at some bizarre predictions for the upcoming season.

Thrasher Withdrawal - The Atlanta Thrashers faithful pack up and heads to Winnipeg, get off the plane and all of them instantly freeze over.  All nine of them.

Ring Return Policy - Nathan Horton will send his Stanley Cup order form back to the Bruins headquarters, requesting an Aaron Rome punching bag instead.

Caller ID - It's usually this time every year that Brian Burke calls the Toronto mayor's office trying to get the city's streets closed off for the second week in June, so Rob Ford will block his number.

Anything You Can Do - Angered that Vancouver fans surpassed Montreal fans for best riot following a playoff game, Habs fans will take to the streets following their first win of the season......or loss.

Calling in Sick - As Brad Richards greets his new teammates, he'll shake Marian Gaborik's hand, causing Gaborik to fall to the ground and miss the first month of the season.

The Biggest Loser - Just two wins shy of the NHL's all-time goaltending loss record, Martin Brodeur will retire following his first loss of the season.

Pack Your Bags - Shortly after Mike Richards and Jeff Carter re-signed with the Flyers for bargain prices, they were traded.  Knowing this, James van Riemsdyk has already packed up his apartment.

Feeling the Heat - Dany Heatley is off to [another] fresh start with a new team this season.  Due to this, he won't ask for a trade until March this year.

Rejected - Lou Lamoriello will announce "Scott Niedermayer Night" in New Jersey to retire Niedermayer's number, but Gary Bettman will reject it and fine the Devils.

No Hardware - The Buffalo Sabres made some major changes this off-season, but they will go another Cup-less season, prompting rival fans to sing their rendition of "Camptown Lady Sing This Song" as "How Many Cups Has Buffalo Won?  Zero, zero."

No More Gutless - Jeremy Roenick won't call Patrick Marleau gutless anymore.  Besides, it's hard to be gutless if you're surrounded by Sharks and play in a Shark Tank...

Sid the Forgotten Kid - Some guy named Crosby might play at some point.  That same night, Gary Bettman will be in a particularly good mood.