Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Likely conversation between Don Maloney and Michal Roszival

Yesterday, the New York Rangers shipped defenseman Michal Roszival to Phoenix in exchange for 24-year old forward Wojtek Wolski. This marks the second time Wolski has been traded in the past year. The deal was made mainly due to financial and salary cap reasons. The deal opens up an extra $1.2 million of salary cap space, while the Coyotes add salary cap space, but reduce their real-money payroll. However, when Roszival got to Phoenix and met Yotes GM Don Maloney, things got a little interesting.

Don Maloney: On behalf of our coaching staff, I would like to welcome you, Michal, to our hockey club.

Michal Roszival: Thanks, Donny. So, um, what will I be doing here?

DM: Well, we have great expectations for you. You will be paired up with Ed Jovanovski, and we...

MR: Wait, me with Ed Jovanovski? Wow, I've never been paired up with someone I've heard of!

DM: ...um, alright then, as I was saying, we...

MR: Wait a minute, I actually have to play hockey?

DM: ...um, of course! I gave up one of my only offensive threats to get you here.

MR: Hey, whatever, I'm making big bucks anyway.

DM: Well, that's the other thing, I wanted to talk to you about a conditional contract.

MR: Whatever the hell that means.

DM: Look, I'll pay you twenty dollars for every person in attendance at our home games.

MR: We don't use dollars in the Czech Republic...(makes mental calculations) wow that means if you sell this place out every night, I'll make over $13 million! I'm in!

DM: (to himself) YES!!! He totally fell for it! I love trades!

MR: Can I see the arena?

DM: Sure, right this way! (Leads Roszival into arena)

MR: Wow, this place looks just like it does on TV!

DM: There's nobody here...

MR: Exactly! ... Hey, wait a minute, if you're paying me in terms of how many people actually show up, I'll be broke!

DM: Well, of course not! You'll help us sell out! My brother Dave says you're a superstar!

MR: Wait, you mean that annoying guy who's always interviewing Rangers at the Garden?

DM: That's my brother!

MR: Oh, yeah, he calls everyone a superstar.

DM: Well I'm sure he meant that you are.

MR: You know, I'm really not. I mean, it's not like you got Tomas Kaberle, you got me. I completely fooled Glen Sather when I got that deal. I mean, at least I'm not Wade Redden!

DM: Who?

MR: You know, that guy from Ottawa that Sather spent like half the salary cap on and now dumped in the minors.

DM: Oh, well, I'm sure we won't have that problem here. Salary cap has never been an issue here. Well, it has, but not because we're at the cap!

MR: Did you bring me here to use cap space?

DM: No! Of course not! We brought you here to be a valuable piece to what we hope is a winning puzzle here in Phoenix!

MR: That's what Sather told me in New York. I leave Pittsburgh and they win a Cup, now I leave New York and I'm supposed to believe Phoenix will be better for me?

DM: Well, I didn't sign Wade Redden!

MR: You brought me here, isn't that bad enough?

DM: Hold on, I'm getting a call...Gary? Yeah, hi...I know you yold me not to spend any more money...what's that, you want me to clear cap space? Who do think we are, Chicago? Oh, right, New Jersey...alright, fine, but I'm not happy about it.

MR: Who was that?

DM: Gary Bettman, he owns the team.

MR: Who's team?

DM: OUR team! He told me to send you to the minors to clear cap space. Don't worry, I'm not going to listen.

MR: Nooooo...