Sunday, May 20, 2012

What would it mean to win the Stanley Cup?

(insert your own Gary Bettman/Stanley Cup joke here)

Which ever of the four remaining teams wins the Stanley Cup this year, there will be several first-time winners on that team's roster.  That means a very special moment in a team and players' history is just a few weeks away from happening.  Winning the Stanley Cup is often a dream realized by many NHL players and coaches, so let's take a look at just what it would mean to win the Cup.

Brad Richards - He's prepared a speech to give in the locker room after the game, in which he'll talk about what winning the Cup means to him.  Meanwhile, John Tortorella and Ruslan Fedotenko will just roll their eyes.

Shane Doan - After spending his day with the Cup, he'll be awfully confused as to why all of his equipment has been postmarked "Quebec City."

Jeff Carter, Mike Richards, Simon Gagne, Justin Williams, John Stevens - After winning the Cup, they've planned to meet outside their local Philly bar, but they won't be able to figure out why everyone in Philly keeps cursing out New Jersey.

Martin Brodeur - He'd obviously like a fourth Cup, but nobody has been able to figure out why he keeps Patrick Roy's number waiting on speed dial.

Mike Smith - He'd love to win the Stanley Cup, because it'd give him another large object to slam LA Kings' players with repeatedly.

John Scott - He keeps asking for his date with the Cup, but has clearly stated that it's not because he's bringing the Cup to Patrick Kane to give him another cup for his beer consumption.

Dustin Penner - Plans to use the Stanley Cup for all the syrup he's going to need this summer (c'mon, you couldn't expect to pass on that, could you?).

Stephen Gionta - His hometown city of Rochester, New York has already set aside a possible date for "Brian Gionta's second Stanley Cup win celebration day."

Henrik Lundqvist - To contain the massive crowds expected at the parade if the Rangers won, the NYPD has asked Lundqvist to be in charge of riot control, since he's able to stop everything else thrown at him.

Darryl Sutter - He's been informed by the city of Calgary that he's not allowed to bring the Stanley Cup to Alberta unless he can prove that he's capable of smiling.

Gary Bettman - Despite the fact that Bettman gives the Cup to the winning team's captain, he's working hard to find a CBA loophole that enables him to simply give the Cup to the Coyotes' owner, should they win.  Not that CBA loopholes actually exist or anything...

John Tortorella - He's already promised the media at least a 60-second interview after the season before he starts lectures on his new shot-blocking program for the 2012-13 season, which includes blocking shots from hitting the Stanley Cup, or the Cup ends up falling off a large cliff.

Jacob Josefson - He's excited about his chance to win the Cup, but he's nervous about lifting it up, since every time he touches something, he breaks.

Wayne Gretzky - "Project: Sweep Phoenix" is going according to plan so far.  Coyotes players seem very confused as to why "Wayne Gretzky" is listed on the Phoenix head coach's office door.

Dwight King - He's very excited about becoming the first player whose last name and team name are the same.  Luckily for him, the Kings rejected Dustin Brown's idea of changing the team's name to the "LA Browns."

Zach Parise - He's getting married in July, so he could bring the Cup to his wedding in Minnesota and him saying "bringing the Cup to Minnesota" doesn't mean that he's signing there this summer.