Monday, October 31, 2011

Top secret: NHL's annual Halloween party

Every year, the NHL hosts a top secret Halloween party at an unknown catering hall in New York City.  Why NYC?  Because Gary Bettman lives nearby and whatever he wants...happens.  Through some hard work and research, I was able to find out where the party was this year, and well, here's what happened.

Gary Bettman (dressed as Mario Lemieux): Good evening, everyone, I'd like to welcome you to the NHL's annual Halloween Party.  I'd like to especially welcome all of the rookies and first-timers here tonight.  We have an open bar, so enjoy everyone!

*Gabriel Landeskog, Jeff Skinner, Adam Larsson, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins and many other under-21 players run over to the open bar, only to be escorted into a small private room with Brendan Shanahan.

Brian Burke (dressed as a wizard): Evening, Pete.  How's it going?

Peter Chiarelli (dressed as a bear): It's going well, Brian, and you?  (*flashes Burke his Stanley Cup ring*)

Brian Burke: Good.  Glad to hear that.  You know...

Peter Chiarelli (interrupts): Yes, I know, Phil Kessel leads the league in goal scoring.  (Burke smiles)  But I have a ring.

Sean Avery (dressed as a clown) - (interrupts both Burke and Chiarelli): Hey guys.  Wanna put a claim in for me?  (Chiarelli and Burke stare at each other, and awkwardly walk away.)

Rick DiPietro (dressed as a hockey goalie): Hey Jack, how are you?

Jack Capuano (dressed as Mets pitcher Chris Capuano): Doing well, Ricky.  *Shakes DiPietro's hand.*

Rick DiPietro: Owwww!!  *Falls to the ground in pain.*

Jack Capuano: *Calls across the room* Garth, Rick is done for the season!

Jeff Skinner (dressed as Giants pitcher Brian Wilson): Come here, guys, I found a secret entrance to the bar!  *Skinner leads the under-21 players into the bar and pours them drinks.

Andrew Ladd: (to his Jets teammates): Who is that guy over at the buffet?  That's not.......oh no.  *walks over to buffet table.*  Kyle, how much food can you possibly eat?

Kyle Wellwood (dressed as Santa Claus): Hey, I'm just trying to be authentic...

Alex Ovechkin (dressed as Superman): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Chris Pronger (dressed as a boxer): Shutup! *Elbows Ovechkin to the ground.* 

Alex Ovechkin: Hey, Chris, look at what that guy wrote on my Twitter!

Brendan Shanahan (dressed as a traffic cop): Hey, Pronger, Gary told me to keep a close eye on you tonight.

Chris Pronger: Dammit.  *Shrugs shoulders and heads to the penalty room.*

Brendan Shanahan: Pronger, keep an eye on the kids in there.

Pavel Datsyuk: *Walks around the room stealing everyone's drinks.*  Here you go, Nik.

Nikolai Khabibulin: Thanks, Pavel.  You're so good at playing your role in real life.

Dany Heatley (sitting at a table with his teammates): Hey, can someone get me a drink?  I'm too lazy to get it myself.

Ilya Bryzgalov (dressed as a hunter in the woods): Hey bartender, can I get a refill?

Bartender: Sure.  *Slides a shot glass down the front of the bar, Bryzgalov misses it and it falls off the edge of the bar.*

Jonathan Quick: Look out!  *Sprints over to the bar and dives to catch the shot glass.*

Ilya Bryzgalov: Nice save, Quick.

*Suddenly, someone dressed as Roadrunner from Looney Tunes races across the room.*

Rick DiPietro (still on the floor): Was that Grabs?

Glen Sather (dressed as Michael Swenson, who was one of the members of Goldman Sachs blamed for poor investment decisions): Damn, I have to sign that Grabner kid.

Gary Bettman: Glen, you're not tampering with anyone, are you?  You know we have integrity in this league, right?

Zach Parise: Hey Gary, he was talking to me too.

Shea Weber: Me too!

Gary Bettman: Does anyone feel the ground shaking?  *Ground shakes.*

Zdeno Chara (dressed as the Hulk): Sorry I'm late.

Brian Burke: Mike, go make yourself useful.

Mike Komisarek: Sorry, Brian, I don't think I can do that.

Ron Wilson: Ha, he got that right...

Bruce Boudreau (dressed as Eminem): *Slams his foot on a chair.*  What the @#$%?  This &!@#$% chair, oh @!#$.

Paul Bissonnette (dressed as Dan Carcillo): Hey Danny, did you see this costume?  *Shows Dan Carcillo (dressed as Paul Bissonnette) his cell phone.*

*Avery approaches BizNasty and Carcillo, and they eventually start a brawl, destroying everything in sight.

Chris Pronger: Hey, I want a part of this!  *Jumps on top of Avery.*

Brendan Shanahan: *Blows referee whistle.*  Hey, Pronger, get back in there!

Paul Holmgren: I think I'll claim that Avery guy.

Scott Hartnell: No, please, no!  *Hartnell falls.*  Dammit.

Gary Bettman: Okay, this is out of hand.  Party's over.

Zdeno Chara: Aww, c'mon, we haven't had dessert yet.

Kyle Wellwood: Say what??

Gary Bettman: O-o-okay, Z-zdeno, we'll have dessert.  *Sweating as he looks up at Chara.*