Frequently Asked Questions about the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals

The stage is set for the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals.  The Vancouver Canucks and Boston Bruins will meet and one of them will snap a long championship drought.  It has come to my attention that some people may want some insight into the series, so here’s a little FAQ for you, with the likely answers you’d get from a pro.

Who is going to win the Finals?

I have the Heat winning, but the Mavs are gonna make it a series……oh, wait, those Finals...say, who’s playing?

Can Luongo be the difference for Vancouver?

Many people would argue that if Vancouver wins the Stanley Cup, it would be in spite of Luongo.  Vancouver is facing a difficult goaltender in Tim Thomas.  Luongo must be on his A-game, barring that Keith Ballard doesn’t cut off his hear…

Is Ryan Kesler the best American hockey player in the world?

He’s the best *sober* American hockey player in the world.

Isn’t it ironic that Vancouver has been carried to the Stanley Cup Finals by an American and two Swedes?

Shhhhhh!  Don Cherry is listening…

Can Sami Salo stay healthy for 7 straight games?

I don’t know, can you juggle four tennis balls constantly for 7 days?

Will Manny Malhotra be able to play?

If he does, I sure hope his vision is 100%.  You need to be aware when Zdeno Chara is on the ice…not that he’s that difficult to see…

Who is David Krejci?

He’s Phil Kessel in disguise.

What’s something most people don’t realize about the series?

A former Islander is guaranteed to win the Cup (Luongo, Chara) and a former Canadiens coach is guaranteed to win the Cup.

Who has the better goal song, Vancouver or Boston?Is Zombie Nation even a song?

Can the home crowd be a factor?

Of course not, unless two clever men dressed in green spandex suits show up…

Who has the edge in the series?

Vancouver, simply because they can afford to take double the minor penalties as Boston just to balance power play goals.

Which team would Gary Bettman rather see win the Cup?

Pittsburgh Penguins.

But…

Exactly.

True or false: Brian Burke is campaigning to get the Olympics held in Toronto since Vancouver made the Stanley Cup Finals the year after they hosted the Olympics?

False, he’s sly, but not that sly.

Finally, who is less annoying: Pierre McGuire or Mike Milbury?

Spongebob Squarepants.

Eastern Conference Finals Game 7 Preview - Lightning at Bruins

Tonight is the winner-take-all Eastern Conference Finals Game 7.  The winner will lose to face the Vancouver Canucks in the NHL Stanley Cup Finals, but before that happens, let's take a look at some story lines for tonight's game.

• Dwayne Roloson wants to appear intimidating, if not scary to the Bruins tonight, so he won't be wearing a mask.
• A reporter asked Mark Recchi to dissect tonight's game, so Recchi pulled out his scissors and asked where he could find a surgeon's mask.
• Vancouver is sending a scout to the game tonight.  Rumor has it he's got a twin brother.
• Gary Bettman apparently had no idea that the Tampa Bay Lightning exist.
• Tim Thomas has been practicing the butterfly, hybrid, stand-up, basically a style of goaltending, contrary to his normal practice routine which involves staring into space and sleeping.
• Zdeno Chara hit his head on the roof of the team arena this morning, but he shook it off after ten minutes in the quiet room.
• Martin St. Louis jumped, but couldn't reach the roof that Chara hit his head on.
• Claude Julien said in his press conference that his hopes for his team tonight include having his power play not go off-season 36 times.
• If Tampa Bay wins, Hart Trophy finalists St. Louis and Sedin (one of the two) match up.  If Boston wins, Vezina finalists Thomas and Luongo match up.
• Translation of the above, if Tampa Bay wins, all 7 games move to Versus.  They might even start at 2 a.m.
• Joe Thornton may steal Shawn's jersey and suit up tonight in the hopes that he can discover what a "Stanley Cup Final" is.
• Bill Daly intends to bring Sidney Crosby to the trophy presentation after the game, since he's the only player willing to touch that trophy (and the Penguins won the Cup that year).
• Martin St. Louis was kicked off the team bus from the airport after playing "Shipping Up to Boston" for the 26th time.  He tried to wave a taxi, but nobody saw him.
• Sean Bergenheim doesn't realize that "doubtful" means "probably not playing," contrary to his Google translation from Finnish, which he meant to say "yes."
• Pierre McGuire is expected to be in attendance.  Bring your sunglasses, the arena lightning may shine off of his head.

Are you a Canadian hockey fan (the full test!)?

That's strange...the Jets have never won a championship...well, since the 1968-69 New York Jets, anyway.  Also strange: the crowd shown is in...Montreal.  Well, anyway, Winnipeg has reportedly gotten the hockey Jets back (barring name approval).  So Canada would now have 7 NHL teams, while the U.S. still has 23, but it begs the question: how many Americans are as passionate as Canadian hockey fans?  You can check yourself by taking the full test below.  *Disclaimer: I am not intending to insult either country or fans from either country.



Do you paint your face before you attend an NHL game of your team?

(a) No, I'm too busy wearing a green, spandex bodysuit.
(b) Yes, every game.  It hides my identity while I throw tasteful breakfast foods onto the ice.
(c) I've outgrown face-painting.
(d) I only paint my face when I'm starring on a sitcom and wearing a Devils jersey.


How many homes games to you attend per season?

(a) None, I don't live near my team's arena.
(b) As many as I can on my budget.
(c) 41!  I'm a season ticket holder!
(d) More than 41!  My team is a perennial playoff team (in which case, you're not a Leafs or Oilers fan...).


How do you celebrate when your favorite team scores?

(a) Stand up and scream like idiots until the next faceoff.
(b) Throw my hands up and hi-five my friends.
(c) Sit in my seat and wonder if the team is hurting its chances to land the 1st overall draft pick.
(d) Umm, my team never scores, we play the 1-2-2.


What song does your team's arena play after a goal is scored?

(a) Zombie Nation
(b) Gary Glitter's "Rock n' Roll"
(c) Satriani's "Crowd Chant" or a similar sounding song
(d) I'm not sure.  The crowd is too loud cheering.


What do you usually do after a win?

(a) Hang out with my friends at a nearby bar.
(b) Go home and celebrate.
(c) Haha, win...that's funny.
(d) A group of us rage through the city, breaking into stores and burning police cars.


What are you doing on June 24th?

(a) Attending my team's Stanley Cup parade.
(b) Attending a barbecue with friends.
(c) Attending our team's annual 1st Overall Draft pick party for Draft Day.
(d) I'll be sitting on the beach, just like Gary Bettman.


What event are you anticipating this summer for free agency?

(a) Glen Sather giving Brad Richards a ridiculously absurd contract just to make the Kovalchuk contract look good.
(b) The Bruins re-signing Tomas Kaberle, and I'll be laughing at them if they do.
(c) Gary Bettman fining Lou Lamoriello for saying "status quo" 8,000 times.
(d) Brian Burke acquiring Jeff Carter for Phil Kessel.


Who is the best dressed hockey person?

(a) Kevin Weekes
(b) Patrick Sharp
(c) Henrik Lundqvist
(d) Don Cherry


How many road games do you watch on TV?

(a) None, I'm at them all.
(b) A few, whenever I'm home or available.
(c) Versus is blocked in my home, so not many.
(d) All of them.  I plan my life around my team.


What's the first thing you do when you wake up on Tuesday and Friday mornings?

(a) The usual: coffee, then work.
(b) Look at the clock and then fall back asleep.
(c) Watch ESPN SportsCenter.
(d) Run to a computer to read Down Goes Brown's new blog post.


Check your answers:

• If you're like a Canadian hockey fan, you chose (in order): 1 - B, 2 - D, 3 - A/B, 4 - D, 5 - D, 6 - C, 7 - A/B/C/D, 8 - D, 9 - D, 10 - D.

If you answered like a Canadian:

• 10 - You either have way too much time on your hands or you're "employed" by your team, or something like that.
• 7-9 - You're passionate, but you probably shy away from what seperates Americans from Canadians.  Perhaps rioting is one of those things.
• 4-6 - You're a pretty big fan of hockey, but not quite crazy enough.  You probably watch too much ESPN and may have another priority, such as...basketball.
• 2-3 - You aren't really a crazy hockey fan, but you care...if your team is relevant and not golfing in May.
• 1 - You're probably either a newer hockey fan or still a hockey fan prospect.
• 0 - You know that they aren't using golf clubs and tennis balls on the ice, right?

When is it time to give up on a team in the playoffs?

Before the 2010 NHL Playoffs, there were few who believed that their team could overcome a 3-0 series deficit and win the series.  The Philadelphia Flyers did just that, coming back and beating the Bruins last season.  This playoff season, Chicago and Detroit have both overcome 3-0 series deficits, only to each lose their respective Game 7s against Vancouver and San Jose.  Now, the Sharks are down 3-1 to Vancouver, while the Bruins and Lightning are tied in their series, 2-2.  Here's a guide on when to give up on your team.


YOU KNOW YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE WHEN:

• Joe Thornton cancels his annual Caribbean getaway for the last week in April.
• Two men dressed in green bodysuits are seen in your arena...assuming it's not Nashville.
• Gary Bettman owns your team and insists that he won't let it relocate despite a devistating financial crisis.
• Your goalie is getting AARP papers in the mail.
• Pavel Datsyuk is on the ice.
• Barry Trotz still has a hair on his head.
• Chelsea Dagger isn't constantly playing in the background.
• Your GM tells the team to keep trying to win and not tank (unless the GM is Brian Burke, in which case, it's because he traded his first round pick...).
• Your team trades AWAY Jamie Langenbrunner.

YOU KNOW YOUR TEAM IS DONE WHEN:

• Chris Pronger's elbow is bothering him, making him completely ineffective.
• They hire John MacLean as the team's head coach.
• Alexander Ovechkin is constantly on the phone with Team Russia's head coach at the World Championships.
• Alex Kovalev is your best defensive forward.
• They go up 3 games to none against the Philadelphia Flyers.
• Mark Recchi decides that your player embellishes hits into stanchions.
• Marian Gaborik starts to play defense...and gives pucks to Jason Chimera in the process.
• Carrie Underwood is seen crying.
• Your players are packing for a very cold Canadian city after spending time in Atlanta.
• Your team's goalie puts on a Flyers jersey.
• They are planning their annual 1st Overall Draft Pick Party in December...again.
• Teammates are watching the NBA.
• Your team trades FOR Jamie Langenbrunner.

Complications of moving an NHL franchise

Picture taken from: http://hfboards.com/showthread.php?t=486249&page=5 

It isn't exactly breaking news that the Atlanta Thrashers are close to moving to Winnipeg, Manitoba as soon as possible.  Why, you ask?  There are actually several factors that have led up to this decision for the NHL.  Ownership has been awful to the arena and team, it's not worth the financial losses that the Thrashers swallow every season and there's an extremely small fan base that is more concerned with...umm, let's just say anything and everything BUT the Thrashers hockey team.  However, moving an NHL team is not as easy as it sounds.



Problem: The NHL has a commissioner that likes to explore "non-traditional" hockey markets, such as the southern United States, and views the annual financial losses taken by each of those franchises as an "investment."
Solution: Fire Gary Bettman.


Problem: Moving a hockey franchise from Atlanta, Georgia to Winnipeg, Manitoba would be a smart business decision, and thus completely irrational for the NHL to consider.
Solution: Fire Gary Bettman.


Problem: Strangely, a $25.1 million relocation fee appeared on the transaction for the new Thrasher ownership, which is actually more than they lose every year.
Solution: Damn you, Bettman...


Problem: Former Atlanta Braves pitcher Tom Glavine suggested that he wants the Thrashers to stay in Atlanta.
Solution: Hey, you spent 5 years in New York.  Go to a Islanders Rangers game.


Problem: Thrasher fans are planning a rally to keep the team in Atlanta.
Solution: Call the Atlanta Police Department's largest unit...and tell them to take the day off while the backups handle the masses.


Problem: Okay, well, what if the rally draws a bigger turnout than expected?
Solution: Bring in a second police car.


Problem: Some players have been with the Thrashers organization for a number of years, and Winnipeg might be a sudden climate shock to them.
Solution: It's okay, they were born in Canada or the northern United States, they can handle it.


Problem: The NHL rejected a $100 million contract last year for another former Thrasher, who's to say they won't reject another big contract?
Solution: Luckily, this is the Thrashers that are moving, not the Leafs.


Problem: If the Thrashers move to Winnipeg, there will be an uneven number of Canadian hockey teams for Hockey Day in Canada.
Solution: It's a shame every other market is thriving and there are no other teams that should be relocated.


Problem: The Thrashers don't have a marketable superstar right now, so marketing the team in Winnipeg could become a problem.
Solution: Atlanta's farm system has produced two NHL teams now (Calgary, Winnipeg), and both have relocated to Canada.  Problem solved.


Problem: The Thrashers mascot threatens to steal another zamboni and drive it on the highway if the franchise is moved to Winnipeg.
Solution: Oh well, zambonis are a dime a dozen in Canada...


Problem: Atlanta was a poorly fun NHL franchise that made the playoffs just once in their history.
Solution: Well, it's not like Canadian markets such as Edmonton and Toronto are perennial playoff teams, either...


Problem: What to name the Winnipeg NHL team.....?
Solution: Jets.


Problem: The NHL has a commissioner that makes things like this a bigger deal than necessary.
Solution: Fire Gary Bettman.