Wednesday, April 4, 2012

DGA's Devils Team Awards

"Hey, Boulton, we shoot at THAT net this period..."

This afternoon, the Devils held their annual team awards, which as always, was rigged.  Zach Parise won team MVP (umm...), Adam Henrique and Bryce Salvador tied for unsung hero and Johan Hedberg won the Player's Player award for the 179th straight year.  So I'm here to fix all this rigging nonsense.  Here's the uncensored version of the Devils' 2011-12 team awards.

Team MVP Candidates:

Peter Harrold - Without him, the Devils would have to let Adam Larsson play, and according to Pete DeBoer, that's a bad thing.  Plus, Peter (Harrold) has so much experience winning in Los Angeles.

Mattias Tedenby - While he only lasted 43 games this season, he managed to pick up a rating (not golf score).  The Devils' shortest player's lack of offensive production made sure that the Devils didn't have a third line that could score until the All-Star break.

Kurtis Foster - Although he was terrible in his own end, the Devils' power play's best stretch of the season came with Foster at the point, which according to someone, somewhere, makes him better than Marek Zidlicky.

Winner: Harrold.  Why?  Well, for starters, he's the only one of the three left on the Devils' NHL roster...

Unsung Hero Candidates:

Eric Boulton - Because without him, who would take the dumb penalties that gave the Devils' penalty kill a chance to practice?  He also selflessly was not on the ice for a single Devils goal all season, thus proving that he's a team player, leaving the scoring to everyone else.

Tim Sestito - He had a faceoff percentage better than David Clarkson (41.3% to 41.2%) and he gave the Devils ENERGY!!!  You'd need to take a lot of Redbull to compensate for that energy...about six drops, anyway.

Ilya Kovalchuk - Despite part of the Devils' fan base hating on him for the first half of the season, he eclipsed 80 points for the first time with the Devils in his second full season.  Since nobody gives Kovy attention, he should be recognized.

Winner: Boulton.  Good thing Lou Lamoriello has this guy under contract for next season, and he gave him a raise.  It's not like anyone else needs to be re-signed anyway.

Player's Player Candidates:

Cam Janssen - Where would the Devils be without Cam protecting all his teammates by pointlessly fighting guys ten seconds into hockey games?  Also, his plus/minus rating (-8) is better than Patrik Elias, Ilya Kovalchuk and David Clarkson.

Josef Jacobson - has no records of "Josef Jacobson," but Rich Chere insists that the guy exists, so let's give credit to the guy that you never hear about: Josef Jacobson.

Cam Janssen - No, I did not already nominate Cam, and no, Cam is obviously not standing behind me cracking his knuckles if I don't nominate him...

Winner: Jacobson, because (no, Cam, please don't punch m...)