Monday, December 27, 2010

Exclusive: Dialog from Devils' 2010 Christmas party

Every year, GM Lou Lamoriello and Devils management hosts a Christmas party that the entire team is invited to. This year, unlike most of the past two decades, the Devils are not a playoff team and in no way looking back on 2010 with good memories. With that said, there were interesting conversations that took place during the party. Take a look:

*Location: Devils' practice facility, AmeriHealth Pavilion, next to Prudential Center

Lou Lamoriello: On behalf on the New Jersey Devils, I would like to welcome you to the annual Devils Christmas party! (*hears crash in background*) As you know, we are proud to be a part of this hockey team! (*hears another crash*) For some of you, this is your first Devils Christmas party, and for others, it may be your last (*hears another crash*)...What the HELL is that??

Martin Brodeur: umm, Lou, some of the players are slipping and falling. Why did you host the party here on the ice at our practice facility?

Lou Lamoriello: I think you know very well why (*turns to Ilya Kovalchuk*).

Ilya Kovalchuk: What, me???

Lou Lamoriello: When we got handed the $3 million fine by the league, we knew we would have some budget cuts to make. (*hears another noise, and a near-fight break out*) MARTY!

Martin Brodeur: What? (*all Devils defensemen laying down on the ice holding certain parts of their bodies in pain*) I didn't do anything...

Lou Lamoriello: Anyway, umm, I am now going to recite my annual Christmas speech to you guys! (*veterans roll eyes*)

It is my honor to be part of such a proud organization that has a rich history of winning at the highest level. As you know, this season is status quo and another season that we are en route to our pursuit of our fourth Stanley Cup championship. I have been a part of this organization for...umm, well a long time, and this is the most talented group of guys I've seen yet, and...

Martin Brodeur: LOU!!!

Lou Lamoriello: Yes, Marty?

Martin Brodeur: That's the same speech you've been reading to us since 2003.

Lou Lamoriello: It is? (*checks date*) (mumbles: December 25th, 2003.) Oh, you're right, how about that? Give me one second (*shuffles through papers*), Here we go!

Dear Mr. Commissioner Gettman, ahem, Brettman, umm, Bettman! That's it! I know you and I haven't really gotten along for the better part of our careers, but I have presented a unique proposal to you. As you know, we had a rough summer trying to sign Ilya Kovalchuk to a ridiculous contract I would never have signed had I not been forced to under the watchful eyes of my owner, Jeff Vanderbeek, but I wanted to know if you would give us a refund...a re-refund...oops.

Ilya Kovalchuk: Zat ees what you sink of me??

(*Chico Resch walks in*) Chico Resch: Hey guys, sorry I'm late, I was...well it's not like I was at the Islanders Christmas party or anything! What did I miss? (*slips on ice and falls*)

Mattias Tedenby (in Swedish): (*to Henrik Tallinder, Johan Hedberg and Jacob Josefson) I'm thinking we should get the hell out of here.

Henrik Tallinder: Yeah, good idea. I'll drive. (*four Swedish players sneak out back door*)

Stan Fischler (*walking in late*): Hey, everybody. Guess what? The Rangers just gave all their players these beaut-ee-ful sweaters, look at them (*holds up sweater with FISCHLER written on back*)!

Lou Lamoriello: Now, now, Stan, you know I banned you from being on air on TV because of your bad PR, let's not start now.

Stan Fischler: You did? Huh, I didn't realize that.

Chico Resch: Can you guys hurry up, I'm really hungry!

Martin Brodeur: That makes two of us!

Lou Lamoriello: Okay, calm down guys. You know what we have to do before we eat, right?

Anton Volchenkov: Let me guess, hit everyone as hard as you can!

Lou Lamoriello: Well, not exactly.

Anton Volchenkov: YESS!!! (*goes and hip-checks David Clarkson, then knocks Colin White into boards*)

Lou Lamoriello: Anton! (*Volchenkov stops and looks at Lou*) Now, I want to go in a line, starting with the captains, and state one thing you're thankful for this past season. Jamie, we start with you.

Jamie Langenbrunner: umm, it's the last year of my contract!

Lou Lamoriello: That's very nice. Jamie, you pick the next player.

Jamie Langenbrunner: umm, Greeney, go.

Andy Greene: I'm with Jamie. Last year of my contract.

Lou Lamoriello: That's awfully nice. How about we go to Patty. You've been quiet tonight.

Patrik Elias: I am thankful that I got to represent my country in the Olympics!

Lou Lamoriello: Very good, very good! Now...(*hears banging on facility door. Turns to see an angry John MacLean banging on the door*) how about we go to...Ilya!

Ilya Kovalchuk: I em thankful zat I get zis few days off to be with my family.

(*Lou hears MacLean still banging on the window.*) Lou Lamoriello: Can someone tell John that he's not coaching here anymore?

Jacques Lemaire: Let him in, it's alright with me.

Lou Lamoriello: Well it's not alright with ME!

Jacques Lemaire: Let the man in!

Lou Lamoriello: You know what, you're FIRED!

Jamie Langenbrunner: YES!!!

Jason Arnott (*to himself*): Why exactly did I want to come back here?

Jacques Lemaire: Fine, I never wanted to come back. (*storms out door*)

Lou Lamoriello: (*heads to door*) Come on in, Johnny! Guess what, you're our new coach!

John MacLean: Again??

Lou Lamoriello: Yeah, isn't that great?

John MacLean: Actually, I just wanted to show you guys what the Rangers are giving their alumni at their Christmas party (*holds up sweater similar to Fischler's*)

Lou Lamoriello: Yeah, we know. Okay, that's it. I'm coaching this team. (*John MacLean leaves*)

*At this point, most of the Devils players are sitting on the ice looking around for food.

Zach Parise: Lou, can we please get some food here?

Lou Lamoriello: Players on IR eat last, you should know that. Oh, actually, you've never been on IR. I got that idea from Garth Snow. He makes Rick DiPietro eat last every year!

Zach Parise: (*turns to Zajac*) He thinks I'm re-signing here for nothing, too. Why don't you ask for a trade. I'll sign wherever you go.

Travis Zajac: Sure thing. My agent and I were looking at houses in Denver.

Zach Parise: Hmm, that would be fun. Paul Stastny is a good American.

Travis Zajac: Or we could go to LA.

Zach Parise: Even better!

Lou Lamoriello: Okay, rookies eat first! (*looks around*) Hey, where'd the rookies go? Where's Tedenby? Where's Josefson?

Martin Brodeur (*turns to rest of team*): This could get ugly. (*Anton Volchenkov lightly punches White in back again*)

Chris Pronger (*walks in*): Hey guys (*shoves large piece of steak in his mouth*), what's up?

Zach Parise: Oh no! (*hides*)

Chris Pronger: The, uh, food over at the Flyers Christmas party...really good stuff!!

Martin Brodeur: Really??

Chris Pronger: Sure is! Nieds and I just left there.

Lou Lamoriello: Scott Niedermayer?

Chris Pronger: Yeah! Practically the whole Canadian Olympic team was there!

Martin Brodeur: Wait, why didn't they call me?

Chris Pronger: Well, you know...anyway, I'll see you later, guys! (*stuffs more food into mouth and leaves*)

Martin Brodeur: Lou, where's the food?

Lou Lamoriello: (*checks watch*) Don't worry, everything is status quo! (*turns to Jeff Vanderbeek*) Dammit, we're not retiring Niedermayer's number!

Jeff Vanderbeek: Please, Lou, please! I need to sell out at least one more game this year!

Lou Lamoriello: Fine. (*takes out phone and dials number*) Hi, Jacques? Yeah, you're hired again. (*hangs up*)

Sean Avery (*enters room in new modeling clothes*): Hey, do you guys know where Stan Fischler went? He left right before his turn at the karaoke came!

Stan Fischler: Here we go! (*runs for exit and leaves*)

Sean Avery: Oh, okay, haven't seen him? It's okay, we'll find him! (*waves at Martin Brodeur*) Oh, by the way, did you know if I was on the Devils, I'd be 4th in points! 4th!!! AND I lead the league in penalty minutes! (*Leaves*)

Lou Lamoriello: Anyway, that's all the time we have for tonight, thanks for coming and we'll see you at practice on the 26th!

Martin Brodeur: Ugh... (*looks outside and sees Gary Bettman drive by and waves at Marty*) I swear I saw Sidney Crosby in that car...

Chico Resch
: I'm going back to the Islanders party, I'm starving!

Ilya Kovalchuk: I miss zee Thrashers!

Lou Lamoriello (*picks up phone*): Oh, just got invited to board of governors Christmas party! See ya, guys! If any alumni come, they're welcome to the food.

Chico Resch (*turns around*): Food???