Saturday, December 11, 2010

Closed door conversation between Lou Lamoriello and John MacLean

There has been a lot of tension around the New Jersey Devils this season, and rightfully so. As I write this, the team is 8-18-2, 18 points and last in the NHL in points. Oh no, wait, the Islanders are still listed as an "NHL team." Still, they're 29th in the league, and no matter what reasons or excuses you find, it doesn't seem to bother GM Lou Lamoriello the way it should. Take a look:

John MacLean: Good morning, Lou, can I have a quick word with you?

Lou Lamoriello: Ah, hurry up, I'm on my way to Whole Foods to buy some new organic jelly. I hear it washes off walls reeeally well.

JM: (*gulp*) I just wanted to go over the waiver move you made today...

LL: Oh, yes, it's pretty simple, actually. I sent Stephen Gionta and Olivier Magnan-Grenier to the AHL, but I'm going to trade them. I was simming a season on GM Mode on NHL 11 and both players appeared on the Islanders, so I chose "best lines," and believe it or not, both players were top line/pairing players. I'd figure I'll call my buddy, Garth Snow, and we'll work out a deal.

JM: Wait, didn't you say Garth Snow helped you with the Kovalchuk contract? Wasn't it something about how to turn a player into a huge bust with a massive contract?

LL: (becomes uneasy) No, of course not. We just like golf, that's all.

JM: Anyway, can I ask why you chose to send those players down today?

LL: Well, I was watching practice and I saw Ilya Kovalchuk blocking shots. This angered me, because he should be half way up the neutral zone. Then I realized who was shooting. First it was Magnan, then it was Stephen. That explains why Ilya was able to block the shots.

JM: Actually, sir, I've been trying to get Kovy to play defensively and be a part of our team system.

LL: (falls off chair laughing) You think I signed this guy for 15 years so he could be into some stupid defensive system? (spits coffee onto large stack of papers to his left)

JM: What are those papers?

LL: Oh, that's my essay I wrote, it's 100 reasons why YOUR team should trade for Brian Rolston. I sent it to every GM.

JM: Any takers?

LL: Well, I got one in the mail and it sounded appealing to me.

JM: ...

LL: Oh by the way, you're fired. I'm coaching this team now.

JM: ...

LL: Oh, and check these out! (reaches into box in corner of office and pulls out a t-shirt) It's my "REFUND" shirt campaign! I'm giving them away to every fan at the Detroit game Saturday night. I mean, half the people won't get it since it'll be half Detroit fans anyway because I have absolutely no idea how to properly market my team, but for half the arena, it will be great! What color should the shirts be?

JM: ...

LL: Before I completely fire you, I need to explain something to the players...

JM: LOU!!! What does "refund" mean?

LL: Hold on. (pulls out oversized dictionary)

JM: No! I mean why are you giving everyone "REFUND" shirts?

LL: Oh, simple question, why didn't you just ask??? The "REFUND" is a petition to Gary Bettman to get Kovalchuk to pay me my $100 million back. I tried "MULLIGAN," to have another shot at this season, but the marketing department didn't like that idea.

JM: Don't you think that's a bit too...

LL: Ah, wait, Johnny! You wait and see! This will be the second most worn shirt in New Jersey for the next...well, however long I decide to run the campaign.

JM: What's the most worn shirt?

LL: (pulls out another shirt)

JM: "Fire MacLean?"

LL: Oh, about that. I'm not really interested in coaching. You're back hired. (picks up coffee and box of "REFUND" t-shirts and leaves office)

JM: Noooo!!!!