Saturday, December 4, 2010

The BHL (Bettman Hockey League) on NHL 11

As you may or may not know by now, I know a lot of things about Gary Bettman that most people do not know. In fact, I know things about Gary Bettman that not even Gary Bettman knows. For instance, he nearly missed a meeting in New York City in 2007 because he was in a suburb playing tennis and going to Starbucks (this is, in fact, factual). But, let's take a look at his NHL 11 starting lineup and come to conclusions from it.

G - Marc-Andre Fleury - Bettman's goaltender is Fleury. This is not terribly surprising, as you will see a strong trend of Pittsburgh Penguins throughout his roster.

C - Sidney Crosby - Again, no real surprise here. What is particularly interesting about this is that he seems to have edited Crosby to a 99 overall. He also called EA Sports and asked why they don't allow 100 overall, and the technician simply said, "cry baby."

LW - Sean Avery - Bettman must have been looking for a character player that plays physical and with an edge. Good thing he didn't pick Chris Pronger. Oh, wait...

RW - David Booth - He didn't want to have to suspend anyone for knocking Booth out, especially someone on his own team, because after all, it doesn't take much to knock Booth out. Interestingly enough, Bettman has changed Booth's name to "Colin Campbell."

D - Kris Letang - Bettman still calls Letang the "best defenseman in hockey."

D - Chris Pronger - There is only one logical explanation one can draw from this decision: Pronger is the easiest player to knock out Alex Ovechkin.

Other game trends/modifications I noticed:
- Bettman has also made a few modifications to some players in the league. For example, he has dropped Ilya Kovalchuk's "puck control" to a 50, just in case the game gets to a shootout.
- He has reduced Alex Ovechkin to a 50 overall, making it easier for Pronger to level him.
- Bettman has also added a characteristic to Mike Mottau's profile that reads "how to look absolutely confused in front of your own net and then turn the puck over when it comes to you." Mottau is a 99 on that characteristic. Not sure if that's good or bad, though.
- Keith Ballard has a frequency to slam his stick on the post whenever he goaltender allows easy rebound goals on breakaways.
- There is a mercy rule at Joe Louis arena. Once the home team scores 7 goals, it is automatically over, no matter what the actual score is.
- Matt Cooke seems to be magnetically attracted to Marc Savard whenever Pittsburgh plays Boston, and usually, the feed after the game reads "Bruins forward Marc Savard will miss 6-8 months with a concussion."
- Phil Kessel can only be traded out of Toronto if 2 first round draft picks from terrible teams are offered. Usually, only the Islanders and Oilers are eligible.
- The Montreal Canadiens have been moved to Hawaii. This is a sure way to expand the NHL into new and exciting markets. Fans on the game always boo the team, though, possibly due to the fact that they are still named the "Canadiens."
- Scott Stevens is the head coach of the Devils, and whenever the Devils go into Philadelphia, Eric Lindros elbows him in the jaw before the game.
- EA Sports forgot to remove Don Koharski as a referee, and whenever he goes to New Jersey, if you listen closely, you can hear fans chanting "Have another doughnut."
- There's a glitch that if you shoot at Michael Leighton from the left side under the circle in the Stanley Cup finals, it almost always scores.
- Sidney Crosby always scores on Ryan Miller, but only when he plays for the Canadian national team.
- The Colorado Avalanche's goal horn will make you deaf if you can still here after the announcers scream.
- You don't have to, but you have the option of listening to the national anthem in Chicago. The only thing you'll hear is 20,000 voices that sound like they're at a Jonas Brothers concert.
- During intermissions in Washington, Mike Green always drives a Zamboni into the Geico sign in the boards.
- Sidney Crosby's playoff beard grows noticeably after every period in the playoffs.
- Anytime Steven Stamkos fires a one-timer, it is automatically called back for being played with a high stick.
- The only player Derek Boogard is not capable of knocking out in one punch is Sidney Crosby. It takes two for him.
- Eric Staal always scores on Martin Brodeur, but only within a minute of his team tying a game 7 of a playoff series inside of two minutes to go.
- Glen Sather always overpays mediocre free agents, usually veterans in their upper 40s.
- Before he moved the Habs to Hawaii, every time the Canadiens went off-side, there's a storm of "boos."

These are just a few of the many things I have found interesting about Bettman's copy of NHL 11. Of course, he scribbled "the BHL" on his cover, but other than that, everything seems normal. Sometimes.

Oh, one more thing: I stole that Devil graphic from here: