Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Sidney Crosby's return day schedule of events

It seems Crosby used his time away from the game to work on his facial-hair-growing ability.

Unless you either live under a rock or are so devastated about the NBA lockout that you refuse to watch anything having to do with sports, in which case you probably wouldn't be reading this blog post, you are aware of Sidney Crosby's sensational return to the NHL last night, because after all, CBC and Versus interrupted their scheduled programming to broadcast the game nationally in Canada and the U.S., respectively.  Crosby had two goals and two assists as the Penguins beat the Islanders, 5-0, but there was more to Crosby's day yesterday than just the hockey game.  Take a look at some of the other significant events of Sidney's return day.

9:18 AM - After waking up, Crosby performs his daily morning routine, which includes telling the media that sits outside his house to stop waiting for him, because he has no news to tell them.

9:19 AM - Crosby leaves his house out the back door.

9:42 AM - He arrives early to the morning skate so he can be cleared for the final time by doctors, including concussion expert Mark Recchi.

9:47 AM - The final test Crosby must clear in the presence of doctors is the getting-elbowed-in-the-face-by-Matt-Cooke survival test.

10:08 AM - As Crosby's linemates arrive for the morning skate and realize that he's officially in the lineup, they pop dozens of bottles of champagne to celebrate.

11:33 AM - Crosby is the last player off ice for the morning skate, but he finds it difficult to navigate back to his locker due to an unusual increase in the media presence at the arena.

1:09 PM - After escaping the media at the Consol Energy Center, Crosby calls Alex Ovechkin and tells him, "I'm back, so you might want to think about starting to play hockey yourself."

4:04 PM - The Islanders' team bus arrives at the Consol Energy Center.  Rookie goaltender Anders Nilsson bursts into tears in joy that so many extra media outlets came to witness his first career start.

4:05 PM - Kyle Okposo corrects Nilsson and tells him why the media is really at the game: to watch his return to the lineup.

4:06 PM - Islanders coach Jack Capuano tells Nilsson and Okposo to stop arguing with each other because only lousy hockey teams have such bad chemistry.  This is followed by a long awkward silence.

4:30 PM - Gary Bettman picks Crosby up to leave for the arena in a dented old sedan.  When Crosby asks why Bettman showed up in that car, Bettman start sweating and said "it'll disguise us when we park."  (Truth be told, it's Bettman's real car.*)

* Not factual.

5:06 PM - Every media member asks Crosby the same exact question just so they can say that they had a unique question for him.

5:22 PM - A group of NHL scouts arrive to watch the Penguins' new center in action.  Coincidentally, all of them have been sent by Glen Sather, who plans to offer Crosby a massive contract in July, despite Crosby not being a free agent.

6:29 PM - Right before pre-game warm-ups, Mario Lemieux pulls Crosby aside and jokingly says "whatever you do, don't do better than I did in my return game."

6:31 PM - As warm-ups begin, the local earthquake center is informed of a report that there is a tremendous amount of ground-shaking in the proximity of the Consol Energy Center.

7:06 PM - Seconds before puck drop, Crosby goes to the refs and reminds them about the usual procedure: any time a player pulls to within a foot of Crosby, it's a penalty.

7:20 PM - The earthquake center receives a report of extreme ground shaking, again coming from the Consol Energy Center.  Incidentally, Crosby has just scored his first goal on his second shift back.

7:23 PM - Every American officially calls Crosby's "return" goal the most important goal he's ever scored.

7:23 PM - Every Canadian officially calls Crosby's "return" goal the best goal he's scored outside of Vancouver.

9:30 PM - Anders Nilsson skates off the ice following his team's 5-0 loss to the Penguins and asks his coach "so that Crosby guy...is he always that good?"

9:34 PM - The media again bombards Crosby with pretty much the exact same question over and over again.

10:12 PM - As Crosby leaves the arena, he sees a text message from Alex Ovechkin: "haha, I got an assist tonight!  How'd you do?!"

Picture: http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/Sidney-Crosby-anxious-for-hits-whether-giving-?urn=nhl-wp17927