Hello. It's been a while. Things are much different than they were when I did this blog thing regularly, and that isn't exactly a good thing. Well anyway, that was then and this is now and right now, the New Jersey Devils are going through a coaching change...again. By the time I finish typing this, they may have already named the successor to Peter DeBoer, but if not, perhaps this will be worth a few moments of your time.
...
You're still here. The Devils haven't hired a new coach yet? Okay then.
So the DeBoer era is over, much to the delight of I would estimate a fairly significant majority of Devils fans, yet I cannot help but feeling that this is an unfair reflection of DeBoer's time in New Jersey. By Lou Lamoriello's standards, DeBoer stuck around for quite some time. It is hard to imagine any coach surviving as long as DeBoer did after missing the playoffs in back-to-back seasons and on their way to a third straight season of golfing in April, but he has and there is something to be said for that.
Showing posts with label Lou Lamoriello. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lou Lamoriello. Show all posts
Friday, December 26, 2014
Monday, May 28, 2012
Stanley Cup Finals PREVIEW: NJ Devils vs. LA Kings
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| Read on for my Devils- |
Well, here we are, seven weeks into the NHL playoffs. It's Memorial Day weekend and the Devils are still playing hockey. I don't think either team's fan base truly expected to be here right now, but hey, I'm not complaining.
How they got there:
If you're a Devils fan, you know the story by now. Peter DeBoer was hired by Lou Lamoriello to help the Devils "evolve" into a more aggressive offensive team and have a chance to win the franchise's fourth Stanley Cup championship. There were growing pains early on, and the team battled several key injuries throughout the season, but the Devils surged out of the All-Star break and finished the regular season on a six-game winning streak.
The Devils battled hard and squeezed out of the first round against Florida in the second overtime of the series' seventh game. After few thought the Devils would stand any chance against the "mighty" Flyers, they simply destroyed the Flyers in every part of the game and knocked them out in five games. The Rangers presented a more difficult task, but the Devils eventually got to Henrik Lundqvist and the shot-blocking Rangers' defensemen and eliminated the East's top seeded team 63 seconds into overtime in Game 6.
With heroics from Adam Henrique in rounds one and three, the Devils advance to their fifth Stanley Cup Final in franchise history and first since 2003, when they beat Anaheim in seven games. Four more wins would give the Devils their fourth Stanley Cup championship since the spring of 1995.
By the way, have I mentioned how awesome this moment is yet?
*****
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Beast of the East: NJ Devils 2011-12 Timeline
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| "Ask Lundqvist if he'd like to join us. No really!" |
Last week, I broke down the LA Kings' 2011-12 season to date, and now, we know who they'll face in the Stanley Cup Finals: the New Jersey Devils. Of course, this means I will be able to provide a completely neutral post with absolutely no bias whatsoever. ... Okay, seriously, stop laughing at me.
So how did the 2011-12 Devils come to be? Here's a look back:
April 12th, 2011: Despite just a 3.6% chance to win the Draft Lottery, the Devils win the lottery and move up to 4th in the draft order. Gary Bettman immediately fires everyone who planned the draft lottery in rage.
June 24th: The Devils draft Adam Larsson with the 4th overall pick. Ten minutes later, Larsson realizes his Twitter account is now history.
July 19th: Lou Lamoriello is mocked by the entire world for hiring the recently fired Panthers coach, Peter DeBoer, because obviously not hiring a "trap" defensive coach turned out to be a huge mistake.
July 20th: In a bizarre unforeseen turn of events, Lou Lamoriello does not fire DeBoer the day after hiring him.
July 28th: The Devils trade Brian Rolston and his humongous contract to the Islanders for Trent Hunter.
August 1st: The Devils waive Colin White...and Trent Hunter.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Wheel of DeBoer - The Scientific Approach to his Fate
There are few professions which offer less job security than the position of New Jersey Devils head coach. One of them might be a contestant on The Apprentice under Donald Trump or cashier at a general store that hasn't had a customer in 10 years. Other than that, however, the Devils' coaching job is probably the least secure job available. It is now Pete DeBoer's turn to try to last as long as he can.
Recent Devils coaching failures:
John MacLean
Tenure with Devils - 33 games (9-22-2)
Reason for release - Other than lack of preparation, lack of a system and stupid decisions, MacLean wasn't really that bad of a coach. He just wasn't ready.
Jacques Lemaire
Tenure with Devils (this particular stint) - 1 season (48-27-7)
Reason for release - Lemaire took a brief time off before he ended up returning for his eventual third stint as Devils head coach. He called his hiatus "retirement."
Brent Sutter
Tenure with Devils - 2 seasons (97-56-11)
Reason for release - Some say Brent Sutter left New Jersey because he was homesick, but the real reason is that GM Lou Lamoriello fired him for Sutter's inability to smile or speak in a voice high enough to be comprehended.
Claude Julien
Tenure with Devils - 79 games (47-24-8)
Reason for release - Julien wasn't going to be fired, but Lamoriello realized that he hadn't coached in nearly a year, so he decided to return.
Larry Robinson
Tenure with Devils - 141 games (73-43-19-6) and 32 games (14-13-5)
Reason for release - Robinson taped his speech to the Devils during the 2000 Eastern Conference Finals and kept replaying it in the locker room. Its effect wore off, apparently multiple times.
Robbie Ftorek
Tenure with Devils - 156 games (88-44-19-5)
Reason for release - Throwing benches onto the ice is amusing, but players got sick of standing and began to rioton the bench in front of the coach's standing spot.
Jim Schoenfeld
Tenure with Devils - 124 games (50-59-15)
Reason for release - Schoenfeld once resorted to mentioning a sweet food in a dispute with a referee. It wouldn't be until 2011 that references to such foods and hockey would be deemed funny (but only in Toronto).
And now, with the past established, let's take a look at my high-tech, scientific system that will help determine the newest member of the Devils' revolving door of coaches: The Wheel of DeBoer. The instructions are simple: spin the wheel and whatever you land on becomes the estimated duration of DeBoer's stint with the Devils (Warning: I am not responsible for any computers or devices destroyed by spinning them to determine a result). Enjoy.
Recent Devils coaching failures:
John MacLean
Tenure with Devils - 33 games (9-22-2)
Reason for release - Other than lack of preparation, lack of a system and stupid decisions, MacLean wasn't really that bad of a coach. He just wasn't ready.
Jacques Lemaire
Tenure with Devils (this particular stint) - 1 season (48-27-7)
Reason for release - Lemaire took a brief time off before he ended up returning for his eventual third stint as Devils head coach. He called his hiatus "retirement."
Brent Sutter
Tenure with Devils - 2 seasons (97-56-11)
Reason for release - Some say Brent Sutter left New Jersey because he was homesick, but the real reason is that GM Lou Lamoriello fired him for Sutter's inability to smile or speak in a voice high enough to be comprehended.
Claude Julien
Tenure with Devils - 79 games (47-24-8)
Reason for release - Julien wasn't going to be fired, but Lamoriello realized that he hadn't coached in nearly a year, so he decided to return.
Larry Robinson
Tenure with Devils - 141 games (73-43-19-6) and 32 games (14-13-5)
Reason for release - Robinson taped his speech to the Devils during the 2000 Eastern Conference Finals and kept replaying it in the locker room. Its effect wore off, apparently multiple times.
Robbie Ftorek
Tenure with Devils - 156 games (88-44-19-5)
Reason for release - Throwing benches onto the ice is amusing, but players got sick of standing and began to riot
Jim Schoenfeld
Tenure with Devils - 124 games (50-59-15)
Reason for release - Schoenfeld once resorted to mentioning a sweet food in a dispute with a referee. It wouldn't be until 2011 that references to such foods and hockey would be deemed funny (but only in Toronto).
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And now, with the past established, let's take a look at my high-tech, scientific system that will help determine the newest member of the Devils' revolving door of coaches: The Wheel of DeBoer. The instructions are simple: spin the wheel and whatever you land on becomes the estimated duration of DeBoer's stint with the Devils (Warning: I am not responsible for any computers or devices destroyed by spinning them to determine a result). Enjoy.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
What to expect and what not to expect from NHL GM Meetings
Next week, all 30 NHL General Managers will head to Boca Raton, Florida for the annual GM meetings. This conference is meant to solve problems and develop new ideas in the NHL, from suspendable hits to financing Gary Bettman's new mansion. They'll be doing a lot of talking, but this year, will they actually do something? Here are my predictions:
WHAT TO EXPECT - Expect Gary Bettman to complain about rising salaries in the NHL, and his genuine concern about the likely increase in the NHL salary cap this summer.
WHAT NOT TO EXPECT - Do not expect Bettman to acknowledge the fact that he is averaging a higher salary than Ilya Kovalchuk.
EXPECT - To hear about a suspicious looking man that thinks he's whispering into his microphone while simultaneously checking to make sure nobody sees him peeking through into the meeting room.
DON'T EXPECT - Pierre McGuire to say anything insightful while peeking into the meeting room.
EXPECT - Your team's GM to have a tan when he returns next weekend.
DON'T EXPECT - Glen Sather's tan fool you, he probably spent way too much money on it before he left New York.
EXPECT - Open talks about injuries in the NHL at breakfast.
DON'T EXPECT - Brian Burke to eat waffles at breakfast.
EXPECT - Bettman to ban Lou Lamoriello from using jelly for breakfast.
DON'T EXPECT - Richard Bloch to appeal Bettman's decision.
EXPECT - Gary Bettman to also slap Glen Sather after every offer sheet Sather attempts to sneak in early for Steven Stamkos and Zach Parise.
DON'T EXPECT - Glen Sather to realize that he will have no cap space to sign Brad Richards this summer if he wants to keep Callahan, Dubinsky, Boyle and Anisimov.
EXPECT - Gary Bettman's hairpiece to disappear, while Chris Pronger's car mysteriously drives away.
DON'T EXPECT - The local police to do anything about it. It's not like they're in Montreal or anything...
EXPECT - People to remind Ray Shero that Matt Cooke is still on his team after he complains about Sidney Crosby's concussion.
DON'T EXPECT - To hear Garth Snow to admit Trevor Gillies is a dirty player.
EXPECT - 30 General Managers to suggest that the Phoenix Coyotes move to Winnipeg.
DON'T EXPECT - Gary Bettman to care.
EXPECT - Gary Bettman to express genuine concern for violence in the league today.
DON'T EXPECT - Bettman to point out that violence has lead to Air Canada threatening to remove its sponsorship with the NHL, and thus threatening Bettman's contract, which was not rejected by the league.
EXPECT - Everyone to laugh at the NFL for locking out.
DON'T EXPECT - The NHL to take advantage of the lockout.
EXPECT - One bold executive to question the league's officiating.
DON'T EXPECT - That executive to have a job next year.
EXPECT - Goaltender equipment and neutral zone defense to become a topic of discussion with scoring down this season.
DON'T EXPECT - Lou Lamoriello to refrain from using the jelly jars that Chris Pronger also stole from Bettman to give to Lou when Lou is criticized for using the trap even though every other team uses it...but can't perfect it.
EXPECT - Colin Campbell to crack down on dangerous hits and plays, and to threaten longer suspensions and heavier fines.
DON'T EXPECT - Peter Chiarelli to appear concerned at all...until he trades Gregory Campbell this summer.
EXPECT - Gary Bettman to 'defend' the Rangers' 23% increase in ticket prices next season, despite calling it "greedy."
DON'T EXPECT - Less Ranger fans at road games from now on.
EXPECT - A round of drinks on the house on the last night of meetings at a sports bar.
DON'T EXPECT - Hockey to be available on any of the TVs at the bar.
EXPECT - All the General Managers to feel good about themselves after the meetings.
DON'T EXPECT - Anything to be done about anything discussed during the meetings.
EXPECT - Your team's TV network to have a segment about the meetings next week.
DON'T EXPECT - Anyone in Phoenix to know the meetings ever happened, despite Gary Bettman's continued support of a hockey team in Glendale.
WHAT TO EXPECT - Expect Gary Bettman to complain about rising salaries in the NHL, and his genuine concern about the likely increase in the NHL salary cap this summer.
WHAT NOT TO EXPECT - Do not expect Bettman to acknowledge the fact that he is averaging a higher salary than Ilya Kovalchuk.
EXPECT - To hear about a suspicious looking man that thinks he's whispering into his microphone while simultaneously checking to make sure nobody sees him peeking through into the meeting room.
DON'T EXPECT - Pierre McGuire to say anything insightful while peeking into the meeting room.
EXPECT - Your team's GM to have a tan when he returns next weekend.
DON'T EXPECT - Glen Sather's tan fool you, he probably spent way too much money on it before he left New York.
EXPECT - Open talks about injuries in the NHL at breakfast.
DON'T EXPECT - Brian Burke to eat waffles at breakfast.
EXPECT - Bettman to ban Lou Lamoriello from using jelly for breakfast.
DON'T EXPECT - Richard Bloch to appeal Bettman's decision.
EXPECT - Gary Bettman to also slap Glen Sather after every offer sheet Sather attempts to sneak in early for Steven Stamkos and Zach Parise.
DON'T EXPECT - Glen Sather to realize that he will have no cap space to sign Brad Richards this summer if he wants to keep Callahan, Dubinsky, Boyle and Anisimov.
EXPECT - Gary Bettman's hairpiece to disappear, while Chris Pronger's car mysteriously drives away.
DON'T EXPECT - The local police to do anything about it. It's not like they're in Montreal or anything...
EXPECT - People to remind Ray Shero that Matt Cooke is still on his team after he complains about Sidney Crosby's concussion.
DON'T EXPECT - To hear Garth Snow to admit Trevor Gillies is a dirty player.
EXPECT - 30 General Managers to suggest that the Phoenix Coyotes move to Winnipeg.
DON'T EXPECT - Gary Bettman to care.
EXPECT - Gary Bettman to express genuine concern for violence in the league today.
DON'T EXPECT - Bettman to point out that violence has lead to Air Canada threatening to remove its sponsorship with the NHL, and thus threatening Bettman's contract, which was not rejected by the league.
EXPECT - Everyone to laugh at the NFL for locking out.
DON'T EXPECT - The NHL to take advantage of the lockout.
EXPECT - One bold executive to question the league's officiating.
DON'T EXPECT - That executive to have a job next year.
EXPECT - Goaltender equipment and neutral zone defense to become a topic of discussion with scoring down this season.
DON'T EXPECT - Lou Lamoriello to refrain from using the jelly jars that Chris Pronger also stole from Bettman to give to Lou when Lou is criticized for using the trap even though every other team uses it...but can't perfect it.
EXPECT - Colin Campbell to crack down on dangerous hits and plays, and to threaten longer suspensions and heavier fines.
DON'T EXPECT - Peter Chiarelli to appear concerned at all...until he trades Gregory Campbell this summer.
EXPECT - Gary Bettman to 'defend' the Rangers' 23% increase in ticket prices next season, despite calling it "greedy."
DON'T EXPECT - Less Ranger fans at road games from now on.
EXPECT - A round of drinks on the house on the last night of meetings at a sports bar.
DON'T EXPECT - Hockey to be available on any of the TVs at the bar.
EXPECT - All the General Managers to feel good about themselves after the meetings.
DON'T EXPECT - Anything to be done about anything discussed during the meetings.
EXPECT - Your team's TV network to have a segment about the meetings next week.
DON'T EXPECT - Anyone in Phoenix to know the meetings ever happened, despite Gary Bettman's continued support of a hockey team in Glendale.
Monday, March 7, 2011
What is different about the second half New Jersey Devils?
The New Jersey Devils have not had a season in which they lost more games than they won since the 1990-91 season. They've made the playoffs every year over the past 13 and missed only once (1995-96) since 1988-89. During that time, they've won three Stanley Cup championships, made it to the finals four times and haven't gone more than five years without making the conference finals...until now. 2003 was the last time the Devils made it to the conference finals. This season, the team started the season a miserable 10-29-2, last in the NHL, but since, they have gone 20-2-2, and are now within striking distance of (dare I say this) a playoff spot. In the first half, the team's theme song could have been "Sympathy for the Devil," but now, you're lucky to be "Runnin' with the Devil." That, in itself, is remarkable, however, there must be an explaination for this incredible turnaround. DGA investigates.
Differences between the first half and second half of the season for the Devils (from the eyes of a player):
FIRST HALF - Shoot from anywhere, even if it has absolutely no chance to find its way to the net, let alone in it.
SECOND HALF - Who are we kidding? We don't play Ottawa every night.
FIRST HALF - Our team spent $100 million on Ilya Kovalchuk, let's make him score all the goals for us.
SECOND HALF - Our team spent $100 million on Ilya Kovalchuk, let's make him score all the goals for us.
FIRST HALF - We get booed off the ice every night, but at least our physical safety is not a factor.
SECOND HALF - Damn, I sure hope our fans aren't ascreative idiotic as Toronto Maple Leaf fans.
FIRST HALF - Man, I'm tired. Maybe I'll just take a shift off. It's not like John MacLean will notice.
SECOND HALF - Mattias Tedenby can't even take a shower, since he can't work up a sweat, because Jacques never lets him play.
FIRST HALF - Johan Hedberg looks just like he did in Atlanta. No defensive support and he gets lit up every night.
SECOND HALF - Hmm, maybe Martin Brodeur does have it easy in New Jersey...
FIRST HALF - Another loss, another night of crappy officiating.
SECOND HALF - Another win, another night of crappy officiating.
FIRST HALF - The Devils are absolutely terrible with Jamie Langenbrunner.
SECOND HALF - The Dallas Stars are absolutely terrible with Jamie Langenbrunner.
FIRST HALF - John MacLean cancelled practice today. He probably had to plan his retirement funds a bit earlier than expected. At least he left us shooting drills to practice.
SECOND HALF - Jacques Lemaire's idea of shooting drills at targets shaped like John MacLean's face are really working well.
FIRST HALF - "Collapsing" is referred to as something the Devils do every spring.
SECOND HALF - "Collapsing" is referred to as a brilliant defensive scheme that most successful teams impliment to win, yet the Devils constantly get accused of ruining hockey by using it.
FIRST HALF - I thought signing Kovalchuk was supposed to help attendance...
SECOND HALF - Why did we have to come all the way out to Long Island for another sold out home game?
FIRST HALF - Uh-oh, Lou Lamoriello mysteriously brought a bag filled with jars of jelly to his office today.
SECOND HALF - Oh, he just legitimately enjoys eating jelly.
FIRST HALF - Wow, if Jamie Langenbrunner is only worth a 3rd round pick...
SECOND HALF - What? Jason Arnott brought a 2nd round pick back and the guy who knocked Sidney Crosby out during the Winter Classic?
FIRST HALF - Well, at least I can have a longer summer this year. I better call my buddies on thePanthers (too bad I don't know anyone on the Panthers...) Maple Leafs to find out exactly how that works.
SECOND HALF - Dammit, I might lose my summer plans! Oh well, I could always retire, since I have pretty much every record a goalie could ever get.
FIRST HALF - You'll give us a 5th round pick for Kovy? Hmm...
SECOND HALF - Oh, wait, that Kovy? He's worth a 7th rounder...
FIRST HALF - Is that the same suit John MacLean wore yesterday?
SECOND HALF - Is that the same piece of gum Jacques Lemaire was chewing yesterday?
FIRST HALF - Pierre LeBlond? What an idiot...
SECOND HALF - Kris Letang forgot to tie his jersey down? If he only learned from Andrew Peters last year. See, I knew that Peters guy was useful for something.
FIRST HALF - Still awaiting Anton Volchenkov's first goal as a Devil. Oh well, he was injured, he'll be fine.
SECOND HALF - Wait, Brett Lebda and Hal Gill scored goals this year? Gill has...2???
FIRST HALF - Man, this Tedenby kid is fast. Gionta who? Stephen?
SECOND HALF - Trevor Gillies had more ice time than Mattias Tedenby last night?
FIRST HALF - I can't believe Matt Cooke has more points than Ilya Kovalchuk.
SECOND HALF - Matt Cooke still has a higher shooting percentage than Kovalchuk...
Differences between the first half and second half of the season for the Devils (from the eyes of a player):
FIRST HALF - Shoot from anywhere, even if it has absolutely no chance to find its way to the net, let alone in it.
SECOND HALF - Who are we kidding? We don't play Ottawa every night.
FIRST HALF - Our team spent $100 million on Ilya Kovalchuk, let's make him score all the goals for us.
SECOND HALF - Our team spent $100 million on Ilya Kovalchuk, let's make him score all the goals for us.
FIRST HALF - We get booed off the ice every night, but at least our physical safety is not a factor.
SECOND HALF - Damn, I sure hope our fans aren't as
FIRST HALF - Man, I'm tired. Maybe I'll just take a shift off. It's not like John MacLean will notice.
SECOND HALF - Mattias Tedenby can't even take a shower, since he can't work up a sweat, because Jacques never lets him play.
FIRST HALF - Johan Hedberg looks just like he did in Atlanta. No defensive support and he gets lit up every night.
SECOND HALF - Hmm, maybe Martin Brodeur does have it easy in New Jersey...
FIRST HALF - Another loss, another night of crappy officiating.
SECOND HALF - Another win, another night of crappy officiating.
FIRST HALF - The Devils are absolutely terrible with Jamie Langenbrunner.
SECOND HALF - The Dallas Stars are absolutely terrible with Jamie Langenbrunner.
FIRST HALF - John MacLean cancelled practice today. He probably had to plan his retirement funds a bit earlier than expected. At least he left us shooting drills to practice.
SECOND HALF - Jacques Lemaire's idea of shooting drills at targets shaped like John MacLean's face are really working well.
FIRST HALF - "Collapsing" is referred to as something the Devils do every spring.
SECOND HALF - "Collapsing" is referred to as a brilliant defensive scheme that most successful teams impliment to win, yet the Devils constantly get accused of ruining hockey by using it.
FIRST HALF - I thought signing Kovalchuk was supposed to help attendance...
SECOND HALF - Why did we have to come all the way out to Long Island for another sold out home game?
FIRST HALF - Uh-oh, Lou Lamoriello mysteriously brought a bag filled with jars of jelly to his office today.
SECOND HALF - Oh, he just legitimately enjoys eating jelly.
FIRST HALF - Wow, if Jamie Langenbrunner is only worth a 3rd round pick...
SECOND HALF - What? Jason Arnott brought a 2nd round pick back and the guy who knocked Sidney Crosby out during the Winter Classic?
FIRST HALF - Well, at least I can have a longer summer this year. I better call my buddies on the
SECOND HALF - Dammit, I might lose my summer plans! Oh well, I could always retire, since I have pretty much every record a goalie could ever get.
FIRST HALF - You'll give us a 5th round pick for Kovy? Hmm...
SECOND HALF - Oh, wait, that Kovy? He's worth a 7th rounder...
FIRST HALF - Is that the same suit John MacLean wore yesterday?
SECOND HALF - Is that the same piece of gum Jacques Lemaire was chewing yesterday?
FIRST HALF - Pierre LeBlond? What an idiot...
SECOND HALF - Kris Letang forgot to tie his jersey down? If he only learned from Andrew Peters last year. See, I knew that Peters guy was useful for something.
FIRST HALF - Still awaiting Anton Volchenkov's first goal as a Devil. Oh well, he was injured, he'll be fine.
SECOND HALF - Wait, Brett Lebda and Hal Gill scored goals this year? Gill has...2???
FIRST HALF - Man, this Tedenby kid is fast. Gionta who? Stephen?
SECOND HALF - Trevor Gillies had more ice time than Mattias Tedenby last night?
FIRST HALF - I can't believe Matt Cooke has more points than Ilya Kovalchuk.
SECOND HALF - Matt Cooke still has a higher shooting percentage than Kovalchuk...
Monday, December 27, 2010
Exclusive: Dialog from Devils' 2010 Christmas party
Every year, GM Lou Lamoriello and Devils management hosts a Christmas party that the entire team is invited to. This year, unlike most of the past two decades, the Devils are not a playoff team and in no way looking back on 2010 with good memories. With that said, there were interesting conversations that took place during the party. Take a look:
*Location: Devils' practice facility, AmeriHealth Pavilion, next to Prudential Center
Lou Lamoriello: On behalf on the New Jersey Devils, I would like to welcome you to the annual Devils Christmas party! (*hears crash in background*) As you know, we are proud to be a part of this hockey team! (*hears another crash*) For some of you, this is your first Devils Christmas party, and for others, it may be your last (*hears another crash*)...What the HELL is that??
Martin Brodeur: umm, Lou, some of the players are slipping and falling. Why did you host the party here on the ice at our practice facility?
Lou Lamoriello: I think you know very well why (*turns to Ilya Kovalchuk*).
Ilya Kovalchuk: What, me???
Lou Lamoriello: When we got handed the $3 million fine by the league, we knew we would have some budget cuts to make. (*hears another noise, and a near-fight break out*) MARTY!
Martin Brodeur: What? (*all Devils defensemen laying down on the ice holding certain parts of their bodies in pain*) I didn't do anything...
Lou Lamoriello: Anyway, umm, I am now going to recite my annual Christmas speech to you guys! (*veterans roll eyes*)
It is my honor to be part of such a proud organization that has a rich history of winning at the highest level. As you know, this season is status quo and another season that we are en route to our pursuit of our fourth Stanley Cup championship. I have been a part of this organization for...umm, well a long time, and this is the most talented group of guys I've seen yet, and...
Martin Brodeur: LOU!!!
Lou Lamoriello: Yes, Marty?
Martin Brodeur: That's the same speech you've been reading to us since 2003.
Lou Lamoriello: It is? (*checks date*) (mumbles: December 25th, 2003.) Oh, you're right, how about that? Give me one second (*shuffles through papers*), Here we go!
Dear Mr. Commissioner Gettman, ahem, Brettman, umm, Bettman! That's it! I know you and I haven't really gotten along for the better part of our careers, but I have presented a unique proposal to you. As you know, we had a rough summer trying to sign Ilya Kovalchuk to a ridiculous contract I would never have signed had I not been forced to under the watchful eyes of my owner, Jeff Vanderbeek, but I wanted to know if you would give us a refund...a re-refund...oops.
Ilya Kovalchuk: Zat ees what you sink of me??
(*Chico Resch walks in*) Chico Resch: Hey guys, sorry I'm late, I was...well it's not like I was at the Islanders Christmas party or anything! What did I miss? (*slips on ice and falls*)
Mattias Tedenby (in Swedish): (*to Henrik Tallinder, Johan Hedberg and Jacob Josefson) I'm thinking we should get the hell out of here.
Henrik Tallinder: Yeah, good idea. I'll drive. (*four Swedish players sneak out back door*)
Stan Fischler (*walking in late*): Hey, everybody. Guess what? The Rangers just gave all their players these beaut-ee-ful sweaters, look at them (*holds up sweater with FISCHLER written on back*)!
Lou Lamoriello: Now, now, Stan, you know I banned you from being on air on TV because of your bad PR, let's not start now.
Stan Fischler: You did? Huh, I didn't realize that.
Chico Resch: Can you guys hurry up, I'm really hungry!
Martin Brodeur: That makes two of us!
Lou Lamoriello: Okay, calm down guys. You know what we have to do before we eat, right?
Anton Volchenkov: Let me guess, hit everyone as hard as you can!
Lou Lamoriello: Well, not exactly.
Anton Volchenkov: YESS!!! (*goes and hip-checks David Clarkson, then knocks Colin White into boards*)
Lou Lamoriello: Anton! (*Volchenkov stops and looks at Lou*) Now, I want to go in a line, starting with the captains, and state one thing you're thankful for this past season. Jamie, we start with you.
Jamie Langenbrunner: umm, it's the last year of my contract!
Lou Lamoriello: That's very nice. Jamie, you pick the next player.
Jamie Langenbrunner: umm, Greeney, go.
Andy Greene: I'm with Jamie. Last year of my contract.
Lou Lamoriello: That's awfully nice. How about we go to Patty. You've been quiet tonight.
Patrik Elias: I am thankful that I got to represent my country in the Olympics!
Lou Lamoriello: Very good, very good! Now...(*hears banging on facility door. Turns to see an angry John MacLean banging on the door*) how about we go to...Ilya!
Ilya Kovalchuk: I em thankful zat I get zis few days off to be with my family.
(*Lou hears MacLean still banging on the window.*) Lou Lamoriello: Can someone tell John that he's not coaching here anymore?
Jacques Lemaire: Let him in, it's alright with me.
Lou Lamoriello: Well it's not alright with ME!
Jacques Lemaire: Let the man in!
Lou Lamoriello: You know what, you're FIRED!
Jamie Langenbrunner: YES!!!
Jason Arnott (*to himself*): Why exactly did I want to come back here?
Jacques Lemaire: Fine, I never wanted to come back. (*storms out door*)
Lou Lamoriello: (*heads to door*) Come on in, Johnny! Guess what, you're our new coach!
John MacLean: Again??
Lou Lamoriello: Yeah, isn't that great?
John MacLean: Actually, I just wanted to show you guys what the Rangers are giving their alumni at their Christmas party (*holds up sweater similar to Fischler's*)
Lou Lamoriello: Yeah, we know. Okay, that's it. I'm coaching this team. (*John MacLean leaves*)
*At this point, most of the Devils players are sitting on the ice looking around for food.
Zach Parise: Lou, can we please get some food here?
Lou Lamoriello: Players on IR eat last, you should know that. Oh, actually, you've never been on IR. I got that idea from Garth Snow. He makes Rick DiPietro eat last every year!
Zach Parise: (*turns to Zajac*) He thinks I'm re-signing here for nothing, too. Why don't you ask for a trade. I'll sign wherever you go.
Travis Zajac: Sure thing. My agent and I were looking at houses in Denver.
Zach Parise: Hmm, that would be fun. Paul Stastny is a good American.
Travis Zajac: Or we could go to LA.
Zach Parise: Even better!
Lou Lamoriello: Okay, rookies eat first! (*looks around*) Hey, where'd the rookies go? Where's Tedenby? Where's Josefson?
Martin Brodeur (*turns to rest of team*): This could get ugly. (*Anton Volchenkov lightly punches White in back again*)
Chris Pronger (*walks in*): Hey guys (*shoves large piece of steak in his mouth*), what's up?
Zach Parise: Oh no! (*hides*)
Chris Pronger: The, uh, food over at the Flyers Christmas party...really good stuff!!
Martin Brodeur: Really??
Chris Pronger: Sure is! Nieds and I just left there.
Lou Lamoriello: Scott Niedermayer?
Chris Pronger: Yeah! Practically the whole Canadian Olympic team was there!
Martin Brodeur: Wait, why didn't they call me?
Chris Pronger: Well, you know...anyway, I'll see you later, guys! (*stuffs more food into mouth and leaves*)
Martin Brodeur: Lou, where's the food?
Lou Lamoriello: (*checks watch*) Don't worry, everything is status quo! (*turns to Jeff Vanderbeek*) Dammit, we're not retiring Niedermayer's number!
Jeff Vanderbeek: Please, Lou, please! I need to sell out at least one more game this year!
Lou Lamoriello: Fine. (*takes out phone and dials number*) Hi, Jacques? Yeah, you're hired again. (*hangs up*)
Sean Avery (*enters room in new modeling clothes*): Hey, do you guys know where Stan Fischler went? He left right before his turn at the karaoke came!
Stan Fischler: Here we go! (*runs for exit and leaves*)
Sean Avery: Oh, okay, haven't seen him? It's okay, we'll find him! (*waves at Martin Brodeur*) Oh, by the way, did you know if I was on the Devils, I'd be 4th in points! 4th!!! AND I lead the league in penalty minutes! (*Leaves*)
Lou Lamoriello: Anyway, that's all the time we have for tonight, thanks for coming and we'll see you at practice on the 26th!
Martin Brodeur: Ugh... (*looks outside and sees Gary Bettman drive by and waves at Marty*) I swear I saw Sidney Crosby in that car...
Chico Resch: I'm going back to the Islanders party, I'm starving!
Ilya Kovalchuk: I miss zee Thrashers!
Lou Lamoriello (*picks up phone*): Oh, just got invited to board of governors Christmas party! See ya, guys! If any alumni come, they're welcome to the food.
Chico Resch (*turns around*): Food???
*Location: Devils' practice facility, AmeriHealth Pavilion, next to Prudential Center
Lou Lamoriello: On behalf on the New Jersey Devils, I would like to welcome you to the annual Devils Christmas party! (*hears crash in background*) As you know, we are proud to be a part of this hockey team! (*hears another crash*) For some of you, this is your first Devils Christmas party, and for others, it may be your last (*hears another crash*)...What the HELL is that??
Martin Brodeur: umm, Lou, some of the players are slipping and falling. Why did you host the party here on the ice at our practice facility?
Lou Lamoriello: I think you know very well why (*turns to Ilya Kovalchuk*).
Ilya Kovalchuk: What, me???
Lou Lamoriello: When we got handed the $3 million fine by the league, we knew we would have some budget cuts to make. (*hears another noise, and a near-fight break out*) MARTY!
Martin Brodeur: What? (*all Devils defensemen laying down on the ice holding certain parts of their bodies in pain*) I didn't do anything...
Lou Lamoriello: Anyway, umm, I am now going to recite my annual Christmas speech to you guys! (*veterans roll eyes*)
It is my honor to be part of such a proud organization that has a rich history of winning at the highest level. As you know, this season is status quo and another season that we are en route to our pursuit of our fourth Stanley Cup championship. I have been a part of this organization for...umm, well a long time, and this is the most talented group of guys I've seen yet, and...
Martin Brodeur: LOU!!!
Lou Lamoriello: Yes, Marty?
Martin Brodeur: That's the same speech you've been reading to us since 2003.
Lou Lamoriello: It is? (*checks date*) (mumbles: December 25th, 2003.) Oh, you're right, how about that? Give me one second (*shuffles through papers*), Here we go!
Dear Mr. Commissioner Gettman, ahem, Brettman, umm, Bettman! That's it! I know you and I haven't really gotten along for the better part of our careers, but I have presented a unique proposal to you. As you know, we had a rough summer trying to sign Ilya Kovalchuk to a ridiculous contract I would never have signed had I not been forced to under the watchful eyes of my owner, Jeff Vanderbeek, but I wanted to know if you would give us a refund...a re-refund...oops.
Ilya Kovalchuk: Zat ees what you sink of me??
(*Chico Resch walks in*) Chico Resch: Hey guys, sorry I'm late, I was...well it's not like I was at the Islanders Christmas party or anything! What did I miss? (*slips on ice and falls*)
Mattias Tedenby (in Swedish): (*to Henrik Tallinder, Johan Hedberg and Jacob Josefson) I'm thinking we should get the hell out of here.
Henrik Tallinder: Yeah, good idea. I'll drive. (*four Swedish players sneak out back door*)
Stan Fischler (*walking in late*): Hey, everybody. Guess what? The Rangers just gave all their players these beaut-ee-ful sweaters, look at them (*holds up sweater with FISCHLER written on back*)!
Lou Lamoriello: Now, now, Stan, you know I banned you from being on air on TV because of your bad PR, let's not start now.
Stan Fischler: You did? Huh, I didn't realize that.
Chico Resch: Can you guys hurry up, I'm really hungry!
Martin Brodeur: That makes two of us!
Lou Lamoriello: Okay, calm down guys. You know what we have to do before we eat, right?
Anton Volchenkov: Let me guess, hit everyone as hard as you can!
Lou Lamoriello: Well, not exactly.
Anton Volchenkov: YESS!!! (*goes and hip-checks David Clarkson, then knocks Colin White into boards*)
Lou Lamoriello: Anton! (*Volchenkov stops and looks at Lou*) Now, I want to go in a line, starting with the captains, and state one thing you're thankful for this past season. Jamie, we start with you.
Jamie Langenbrunner: umm, it's the last year of my contract!
Lou Lamoriello: That's very nice. Jamie, you pick the next player.
Jamie Langenbrunner: umm, Greeney, go.
Andy Greene: I'm with Jamie. Last year of my contract.
Lou Lamoriello: That's awfully nice. How about we go to Patty. You've been quiet tonight.
Patrik Elias: I am thankful that I got to represent my country in the Olympics!
Lou Lamoriello: Very good, very good! Now...(*hears banging on facility door. Turns to see an angry John MacLean banging on the door*) how about we go to...Ilya!
Ilya Kovalchuk: I em thankful zat I get zis few days off to be with my family.
(*Lou hears MacLean still banging on the window.*) Lou Lamoriello: Can someone tell John that he's not coaching here anymore?
Jacques Lemaire: Let him in, it's alright with me.
Lou Lamoriello: Well it's not alright with ME!
Jacques Lemaire: Let the man in!
Lou Lamoriello: You know what, you're FIRED!
Jamie Langenbrunner: YES!!!
Jason Arnott (*to himself*): Why exactly did I want to come back here?
Jacques Lemaire: Fine, I never wanted to come back. (*storms out door*)
Lou Lamoriello: (*heads to door*) Come on in, Johnny! Guess what, you're our new coach!
John MacLean: Again??
Lou Lamoriello: Yeah, isn't that great?
John MacLean: Actually, I just wanted to show you guys what the Rangers are giving their alumni at their Christmas party (*holds up sweater similar to Fischler's*)
Lou Lamoriello: Yeah, we know. Okay, that's it. I'm coaching this team. (*John MacLean leaves*)
*At this point, most of the Devils players are sitting on the ice looking around for food.
Zach Parise: Lou, can we please get some food here?
Lou Lamoriello: Players on IR eat last, you should know that. Oh, actually, you've never been on IR. I got that idea from Garth Snow. He makes Rick DiPietro eat last every year!
Zach Parise: (*turns to Zajac*) He thinks I'm re-signing here for nothing, too. Why don't you ask for a trade. I'll sign wherever you go.
Travis Zajac: Sure thing. My agent and I were looking at houses in Denver.
Zach Parise: Hmm, that would be fun. Paul Stastny is a good American.
Travis Zajac: Or we could go to LA.
Zach Parise: Even better!
Lou Lamoriello: Okay, rookies eat first! (*looks around*) Hey, where'd the rookies go? Where's Tedenby? Where's Josefson?
Martin Brodeur (*turns to rest of team*): This could get ugly. (*Anton Volchenkov lightly punches White in back again*)
Chris Pronger (*walks in*): Hey guys (*shoves large piece of steak in his mouth*), what's up?
Zach Parise: Oh no! (*hides*)
Chris Pronger: The, uh, food over at the Flyers Christmas party...really good stuff!!
Martin Brodeur: Really??
Chris Pronger: Sure is! Nieds and I just left there.
Lou Lamoriello: Scott Niedermayer?
Chris Pronger: Yeah! Practically the whole Canadian Olympic team was there!
Martin Brodeur: Wait, why didn't they call me?
Chris Pronger: Well, you know...anyway, I'll see you later, guys! (*stuffs more food into mouth and leaves*)
Martin Brodeur: Lou, where's the food?
Lou Lamoriello: (*checks watch*) Don't worry, everything is status quo! (*turns to Jeff Vanderbeek*) Dammit, we're not retiring Niedermayer's number!
Jeff Vanderbeek: Please, Lou, please! I need to sell out at least one more game this year!
Lou Lamoriello: Fine. (*takes out phone and dials number*) Hi, Jacques? Yeah, you're hired again. (*hangs up*)
Sean Avery (*enters room in new modeling clothes*): Hey, do you guys know where Stan Fischler went? He left right before his turn at the karaoke came!
Stan Fischler: Here we go! (*runs for exit and leaves*)
Sean Avery: Oh, okay, haven't seen him? It's okay, we'll find him! (*waves at Martin Brodeur*) Oh, by the way, did you know if I was on the Devils, I'd be 4th in points! 4th!!! AND I lead the league in penalty minutes! (*Leaves*)
Lou Lamoriello: Anyway, that's all the time we have for tonight, thanks for coming and we'll see you at practice on the 26th!
Martin Brodeur: Ugh... (*looks outside and sees Gary Bettman drive by and waves at Marty*) I swear I saw Sidney Crosby in that car...
Chico Resch: I'm going back to the Islanders party, I'm starving!
Ilya Kovalchuk: I miss zee Thrashers!
Lou Lamoriello (*picks up phone*): Oh, just got invited to board of governors Christmas party! See ya, guys! If any alumni come, they're welcome to the food.
Chico Resch (*turns around*): Food???
Friday, December 24, 2010
What should the New Jersey Devils get for Christmas?
Well, we know what a lot of players have been asking Santa Claus for this Christmas, and that's a trade out of New Jersey. Many won't say it publicly, but why would they? This is 2010 (almost 2011) and the media is pointless if you're trying to get anything out of players...then again, so was ex-Devils coach John MacLean...
Anyway, here's my list of Christmas gifts I would be handing out to the Devils today and tomorrow. Hope you enjoy.
Pierre-Luc LeBlond - I'll start with PL3, whose NHL season lasted less than two games after he got ejected from the Washington game on the season's second night and was suspended, placed on waivers and never to be heard from again.
His gift: more bus tickets, because he'll sure need them.
Zach Parise - Reports this morning say he could be done for the year, but seriously, it doesn't matter at this point. He's got restricted free agency looming, and this guy needs to stay. He's the captain of this team next season.
His gift[s]: First, a Ruslan Fedetenko bobblehead, because he says on the side, he truly hates him. Second, I would give him a brand new Sharpie, a red one, so he can sign his name on a new contract with the Devils.
Jason Arnott - Jason Arnott deserves better than this. His former team, the Nashville Predators is having a great season, and his new/old team is in the basement of the league. Arnott, however, leads the Devils in goals. That doesn't mean anything, considering he's the only Devil on pace for 25 goals right now.
His gift: a lollypop. Lollypops make everything better. Maybe a new shotgun. He's a hunter. Just keep him out of the locker room with it...for many reasons.
Colin White - I could be crazy here, but Colin White has probably been the Devils' best defenseman game in and game out this year. Still, he's one of many that could be shipped out by March.
His gift: A vacation to either Colorado, Toronto, Tampa Bay, or another city that could be a good trade destination.
Johan Hedberg - Johan "Moose" Hedberg has been a bright spot this season, but you wouldn't know that because he never gets played anymore. His 3.07 goals against average is misleading, but it's still better than the Devils' starting goalie. Is there a goalie controversy in New Jersey?
His gift: a warrior helmet. He wasn't supposed to keep losing AFTER he left Atlanta...
Mattias Tedenby - He and fellow Swede Hedberg have been shining stars in the demise of the Devils this year. Former first rounder has shown why he should have been drafted higher.
His gift: Fake teeth, because he needs them, and keys to the city.
Andy Greene - Well, the past two seasons have been a roller coaster for Greene. He's had career years both ways, one good, one horrible. His personal goal should be to not finish the year at a -20 rating.
His gift: A new head coach, maybe a guy like Jacques Lemaire...oh well isn't he in luck?
Jamie Langenbrunner - Ah, yes, oh captain my captain. A year ago, he was coming off of his best offensive season ever and en route to captaincy for the U.S. Olympic hockey team. This year, he's come back down to Earth in a big way.
His gift: A box of tissues and a Jacques Lemaire bobblehead. Maybe a can of paint too. Lemaire and Langenbrunner don't exactly see eye-to-eye, and it's not because one is really short, either.
Patrik Elias - Still leads his team in points. All-time. Actually this year and all-time.
His gift: Diapers. Not because he's a crybaby, he's not, but because his wife recently gave birth.
Martin Brodeur - The winningest goalie of all-time is approaching George Hainsworth's record for most all-time losses. For this season, anyway, he might break the single-season loss record for a goalie. He's not getting old at all, though.
His gift: Bigger pads. Much bigger pads and maybe a couch. He'll need them for the beer league he'll be in shortly. Maybe he could also use a head start on that 401K?
Ilya Kovalchuk - Oh, boy, where do we start with Kovy? Maybe the new year will bring new luck to Kovalchuk. One can only hope, at least.
His gift: a copy of NHL 11. He can play as himself and learn how to score again.
Lou Lamoriello - The past six months or so have been a humbling experience for Lou. Usuaully, if Lou wants something, Lou gets it. Nothing has been easy for him lately.
His gift: A Staples Easy Button and/or a "Mulligan" button.
John MacLean - Finally, we get to John MacLean, the former coach of this team. His tenure was an absolute nightmare, but luckily for everyone, it is over.
His gift: a brown paper bag and a check from the unemployment agency.
Any other NJ Devil either deserves coal or nothing. Seriously, what would you give them?
Maybe the team needs a ladder or something, because they all fell head first into the basement.
*Happy holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's to all readers. Be sure to follow Down Goes Avery so you never miss a post! Also, remember to follow me on Twitter (@DownGoesAvery). Next post will be close to or past New Year's.
Anyway, here's my list of Christmas gifts I would be handing out to the Devils today and tomorrow. Hope you enjoy.
Pierre-Luc LeBlond - I'll start with PL3, whose NHL season lasted less than two games after he got ejected from the Washington game on the season's second night and was suspended, placed on waivers and never to be heard from again.
His gift: more bus tickets, because he'll sure need them.
Zach Parise - Reports this morning say he could be done for the year, but seriously, it doesn't matter at this point. He's got restricted free agency looming, and this guy needs to stay. He's the captain of this team next season.
His gift[s]: First, a Ruslan Fedetenko bobblehead, because he says on the side, he truly hates him. Second, I would give him a brand new Sharpie, a red one, so he can sign his name on a new contract with the Devils.
Jason Arnott - Jason Arnott deserves better than this. His former team, the Nashville Predators is having a great season, and his new/old team is in the basement of the league. Arnott, however, leads the Devils in goals. That doesn't mean anything, considering he's the only Devil on pace for 25 goals right now.
His gift: a lollypop. Lollypops make everything better. Maybe a new shotgun. He's a hunter. Just keep him out of the locker room with it...for many reasons.
Colin White - I could be crazy here, but Colin White has probably been the Devils' best defenseman game in and game out this year. Still, he's one of many that could be shipped out by March.
His gift: A vacation to either Colorado, Toronto, Tampa Bay, or another city that could be a good trade destination.
Johan Hedberg - Johan "Moose" Hedberg has been a bright spot this season, but you wouldn't know that because he never gets played anymore. His 3.07 goals against average is misleading, but it's still better than the Devils' starting goalie. Is there a goalie controversy in New Jersey?
His gift: a warrior helmet. He wasn't supposed to keep losing AFTER he left Atlanta...
Mattias Tedenby - He and fellow Swede Hedberg have been shining stars in the demise of the Devils this year. Former first rounder has shown why he should have been drafted higher.
His gift: Fake teeth, because he needs them, and keys to the city.
Andy Greene - Well, the past two seasons have been a roller coaster for Greene. He's had career years both ways, one good, one horrible. His personal goal should be to not finish the year at a -20 rating.
His gift: A new head coach, maybe a guy like Jacques Lemaire...oh well isn't he in luck?
Jamie Langenbrunner - Ah, yes, oh captain my captain. A year ago, he was coming off of his best offensive season ever and en route to captaincy for the U.S. Olympic hockey team. This year, he's come back down to Earth in a big way.
His gift: A box of tissues and a Jacques Lemaire bobblehead. Maybe a can of paint too. Lemaire and Langenbrunner don't exactly see eye-to-eye, and it's not because one is really short, either.
Patrik Elias - Still leads his team in points. All-time. Actually this year and all-time.
His gift: Diapers. Not because he's a crybaby, he's not, but because his wife recently gave birth.
Martin Brodeur - The winningest goalie of all-time is approaching George Hainsworth's record for most all-time losses. For this season, anyway, he might break the single-season loss record for a goalie. He's not getting old at all, though.
His gift: Bigger pads. Much bigger pads and maybe a couch. He'll need them for the beer league he'll be in shortly. Maybe he could also use a head start on that 401K?
Ilya Kovalchuk - Oh, boy, where do we start with Kovy? Maybe the new year will bring new luck to Kovalchuk. One can only hope, at least.
His gift: a copy of NHL 11. He can play as himself and learn how to score again.
Lou Lamoriello - The past six months or so have been a humbling experience for Lou. Usuaully, if Lou wants something, Lou gets it. Nothing has been easy for him lately.
His gift: A Staples Easy Button and/or a "Mulligan" button.
John MacLean - Finally, we get to John MacLean, the former coach of this team. His tenure was an absolute nightmare, but luckily for everyone, it is over.
His gift: a brown paper bag and a check from the unemployment agency.
Any other NJ Devil either deserves coal or nothing. Seriously, what would you give them?
Maybe the team needs a ladder or something, because they all fell head first into the basement.
*Happy holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's to all readers. Be sure to follow Down Goes Avery so you never miss a post! Also, remember to follow me on Twitter (@DownGoesAvery). Next post will be close to or past New Year's.
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