Well, summer is over. No more weekends at the beach, evenings outside, barbecues with the neighbors, trips to the ballpark, aww hell I'm depressing myself! But there is good news out of all of this. The calendar turning to September means that a new hockey season is approaching, you know, the time of year when the Oilers and Islanders are still mathematically alive for a playoff spot. Yep, that time of year... So, as my first blog post back for the new season, let's take a look at some bizarre predictions for the upcoming season.
Thrasher Withdrawal - The Atlanta Thrashers faithful pack up and heads to Winnipeg, get off the plane and all of them instantly freeze over. All nine of them.
Ring Return Policy - Nathan Horton will send his Stanley Cup order form back to the Bruins headquarters, requesting an Aaron Rome punching bag instead.
Caller ID - It's usually this time every year that Brian Burke calls the Toronto mayor's office trying to get the city's streets closed off for the second week in June, so Rob Ford will block his number.
Anything You Can Do - Angered that Vancouver fans surpassed Montreal fans for best riot following a playoff game, Habs fans will take to the streets following their first win of the season......or loss.
Calling in Sick - As Brad Richards greets his new teammates, he'll shake Marian Gaborik's hand, causing Gaborik to fall to the ground and miss the first month of the season.
The Biggest Loser - Just two wins shy of the NHL's all-time goaltending loss record, Martin Brodeur will retire following his first loss of the season.
Pack Your Bags - Shortly after Mike Richards and Jeff Carter re-signed with the Flyers for bargain prices, they were traded. Knowing this, James van Riemsdyk has already packed up his apartment.
Feeling the Heat - Dany Heatley is off to [another] fresh start with a new team this season. Due to this, he won't ask for a trade until March this year.
Rejected - Lou Lamoriello will announce "Scott Niedermayer Night" in New Jersey to retire Niedermayer's number, but Gary Bettman will reject it and fine the Devils.
No Hardware - The Buffalo Sabres made some major changes this off-season, but they will go another Cup-less season, prompting rival fans to sing their rendition of "Camptown Lady Sing This Song" as "How Many Cups Has Buffalo Won? Zero, zero."
No More Gutless - Jeremy Roenick won't call Patrick Marleau gutless anymore. Besides, it's hard to be gutless if you're surrounded by Sharks and play in a Shark Tank...
Sid the Forgotten Kid - Some guy named Crosby might play at some point. That same night, Gary Bettman will be in a particularly good mood.
Showing posts with label Pens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pens. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Top 10 Video Special - Moments from 2010-11
It's been a while, but I think it's time to do another Top-10 chronicle. The following are the Top 10 moments that I will remember ten years from now. This is the seventh part of the Top 10 Video series. Enjoy, and I promise that we will all remember #1.
10. Have another waffle, Toronto!
While losing to an NHL team that doesn't even exist anymore, a Leafs fan decided that it would be amusing to throw waffles onto the ice...during the game. That also made every hockey blogger's life much easier.
9. You want Gerbe, you get double Gerbe.
Trailing 4-0 to the Islanders, Buffalo's Nathan Gerbe decided he'd cut the deficit in less time than it takes for Brian Rolston to take one shot.
8. No goaltender required
Steven Stamkos is an elite goal scorer, but one night in Pittsburgh, things didn't go his way, especially when he was awarded a penalty shot.
7. Crashing Pittsburgh's party.
The downfall of Sidney Crosby's season began at the Winter Classic, when David Steckel knocked him out, leaving Crosby shaken up.
6. It ain't over until Tim Thomas says it's over
In a season that resulted in a Vezina Trophy and Stanley Cup, Tim Thomas made several memorable saves, but perhaps none greater than this one in Toronto.
5. Finding top gear
Okay, so I'm a little bias, but here's one that Devils fans probably won't forget for a long time, as Ilya Kovalchuk continued to pile up game-winning goals. This one would be the only one of the night for either team.
4. Welcome to the NHL, Jordan Eberle
The proverbial, or "ideal" first career NHL goal is often described as a perfect wrist shot that rings off the crossbar and into the net. Well, Jordan Eberle might disagree with you.
3. Twice is a charm
The goal of the playoffs was undoubtedly Bobby Ryan's double-deke against the Predators. Let's ignore the fact that he undressed a forward without a stick, let's pretend he undressed Suter and Weber.
2. Stanley Cup Champions
Can you believe the Bruins had the nerve to go into Vancouver and indirectly cause riots??!
1. Saving the best for last
Okay, this one's a bit of a joke, but I couldn't resist. Brett Lebda scored a goal in Montreal this year, and the world shook. Don't believe me? Well, a) I was there, so I can tell you and b) here's video proof.
10. Have another waffle, Toronto!
While losing to an NHL team that doesn't even exist anymore, a Leafs fan decided that it would be amusing to throw waffles onto the ice...during the game. That also made every hockey blogger's life much easier.
9. You want Gerbe, you get double Gerbe.
Trailing 4-0 to the Islanders, Buffalo's Nathan Gerbe decided he'd cut the deficit in less time than it takes for Brian Rolston to take one shot.
8. No goaltender required
Steven Stamkos is an elite goal scorer, but one night in Pittsburgh, things didn't go his way, especially when he was awarded a penalty shot.
7. Crashing Pittsburgh's party.
The downfall of Sidney Crosby's season began at the Winter Classic, when David Steckel knocked him out, leaving Crosby shaken up.
6. It ain't over until Tim Thomas says it's over
In a season that resulted in a Vezina Trophy and Stanley Cup, Tim Thomas made several memorable saves, but perhaps none greater than this one in Toronto.
5. Finding top gear
Okay, so I'm a little bias, but here's one that Devils fans probably won't forget for a long time, as Ilya Kovalchuk continued to pile up game-winning goals. This one would be the only one of the night for either team.
4. Welcome to the NHL, Jordan Eberle
The proverbial, or "ideal" first career NHL goal is often described as a perfect wrist shot that rings off the crossbar and into the net. Well, Jordan Eberle might disagree with you.
3. Twice is a charm
The goal of the playoffs was undoubtedly Bobby Ryan's double-deke against the Predators. Let's ignore the fact that he undressed a forward without a stick, let's pretend he undressed Suter and Weber.
2. Stanley Cup Champions
Can you believe the Bruins had the nerve to go into Vancouver and indirectly cause riots??!
1. Saving the best for last
Okay, this one's a bit of a joke, but I couldn't resist. Brett Lebda scored a goal in Montreal this year, and the world shook. Don't believe me? Well, a) I was there, so I can tell you and b) here's video proof.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Guide for NHL General Managers for Free Agency 2011
It’s July 1st. In a few brief hours, NHL Free Agency 2011 will begin. You probably know who the big prizes are, and you probably know who many of the teams are with open checkbooks today. Let’s take a look at a Free Agency spending guide that each General Manager should look at before making a plunge today.
Brian Burke – Today is actually Burke’s second favorite day of the year, right behind trade deadline day. It’s also the day that waffle sales tend to spike in much of eastern Canada.
Player to watch: Burke has obviously made some noise on the Brad Richards front, but he’s not American. Watch for Burke to pursue Chris Drury and Andy Greene.
Glen Sather – Unlike Burke, today is Sather’s favorite day of the year. Unfortunately for him, the league doesn’t believe his annual “I got too excited so I added an extra “0” to that guy’s contract” speech when he tries to cut players’ salaries.
Player to watch: Sather wants Brad Richards. I’d be curious to see where Richards would fall amongst Rangers greats such as Wade Redden, Chris Drury and Marian Gaborik.
Darcy Regier – Darcy has had the green light with the team’s checkbook already the off-season. Strangely, a book titled “How to Spend the Most Money on July 1st” was spotted on his desk. It was written by Glen Sather.
Player to watch: So far, Regier has brought in a defenseman whose name sounds like his and a former Canuck. Basically, it’s time to cash in big today.
Stan Bowman – Chicago has over $11 million of cap space, so they might quietly make a big move today, which will most likely end up in Pierre McGuire explaining why that player will get along with Brian Campbell.
Player to watch: The Hawks don’t have one primary target, but they could be involved with just about anyone.
Peter Chiarelli – Despite having an unlisted number, Peter is a bit upset that Mike Milbury found his number, since Milbury has left him dozens of messages of signings he wants to make today.
Player to watch: Although Tomas Kaberle wants to test the market, he might want to stay in Boston to avoid being overpaid, something players absolutely hate.
Kevin Cheveldayoff – Look for Winnipeg to sign a big name today as the first big move made with the team in Winnipeg. Look for that player to use his entire salary to find a jacket heavy enough for this winter.
Player to watch: Ed Jovanovski. One way or another, he probably figured he was going to Winnipeg this summer.
Dale Tallon – Tallon might have the biggest budget today. He needs to spend $22 million just to get to the cap floor today. Dale Tallon might have the most desired job in hockey. Well, at least for today.
Player to watch: Steven Stamkos and Brad Richards. Once he signs those two, he can throw a party for every Panthers fan with the money remaining.
Lou Lamoriello – While it’s never easy to figure out what Lou’s up to, Gary Bettman already promised to approve every contract Lou sends him today…barring it doesn’t include an NHL player.
Player to watch: Any retired player, because he might be coaching the Devils next year.
Ray Shero – Shero has some big decisions to make today, including Max Talbot and Mike Rupp. It’s a good thing studs like Craig Adams and Arron Asham are already re-signed.
Player to watch: Jaromir Jagr, because whenever he feels like it, he could deke by an opposing player better than Bobby Ryan.
Pierre Gauthier – The Habs could lose Roman Hamrlik and Andrei Markov, in addition to James Wisniewski, but they do still have Hal Gill.
Player to watch: Forget Jagr, it would be far more amusing to see Alex Kovalev back in Montreal, assuming he still remembers how to get there.
Ken Holland – All of a sudden, Ken Holland looks like the overspending general manager, but it’s okay because the Red Wings are invincible to bad contracts.
Player to watch: Any defenseman. They’ll look to replace Brian Rafalski, a smaller, undrafted free agent out of New Jersey. Hey, we have one of those this summer!
Paul Holmgren – I can’t imagine what Holmgren has left to do other than trading Claude Giroux, James van Riemsdyk and Scott Hartnell for draft picks.
Player to watch: Ville Leino and Simon Gagne. Both need to be re-signed by the Flyers.
Garth Snow – Today is the first day that Alexei Yashin is just a distant memory. The Islanders must celebrate by wasting their money on another player.
Player to watch: Tomas Vokoun. He’s reportedly looking for a 15-year contract. Perfect.
Mike Gillis – Vancouver lost Christian Ehrhoff got a 10-year deal with Buffalo, and Gillis also faces losing Sami Salo and Chris Higgins to free agency.
Player to watch: Tomas Kaberle. If Gillis signed Kaberle and he turned out to be a bust, Canuck fans could say he had “Ballard-syndrome.”
Steve Yzerman – Sean Bergenheim and Simon Gagne highlight Yzerman’s priorities today during free agency, as the media has kindly reminded him that no other impact player needs a new contract.
Player to watch: Steven Stamkos. You’d never know it, but Stamkos is a restricted free agent.
Dean Lombardi – The LA Kings will continue to try to sign a big name, high-scoring forward. They will likely continue to fail once Sather signs Brad Richards.
Player to watch: Drew Doughty, as he could quietly be the player that slips away if Lombardi isn’t careful.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Making fun of Gary Bettman, part 87 (okay, not really...)
This is the time of year to be a hockey fan. Well, unless you root for the Toronto Maple Leafs, New York Islanders, Florida Panthers, Ottawa Senators, Edmonton Oilers...you know, teams that aren't necessarily playoff "regulars." But playoff hockey is fun for everyone. Everyone except Gary Bettman. Let's take a look at some dialogue between NHL commissioner Gary Bettman and ESPN President George Bodenheimer, as the two sides discuss a potential TV deal.
George Bodenheimer (calls Gary Bettman): Hello, Mr. Bettman.
Gary Bettman: Umm, good evening.
George Bodenheimer: It's 9 AM...
Gary Bettman: Oh. I apologize.
George Bodenheimer: Anyway, I'm sure you know why I'm calling you--
Gary Bettman: Ah, yes, is it that time again?
George Bodenheimer: Yes, Mr. Bettman sir, I think it's time that we negotiate a new TV contract with the National Hockey League. Your on-ice product is at a premium right now, and we feel that we can provide proper marketing to your players and teams.
Gary Bettman: Oh that? I thought you were going to say that it's time for the NBA playoffs...
George Bodenheimer: That, too. Mr. Bettman, I'm sure that we can get an agreement done to put pro-hockey back on ESPN.
Gary Bettman: But what about poker?
George Bodenheimer: Well, let's just say poker ratings haven't exactly been that great. Hell, even hockey in America might be able to draw a larger audience. Now, Mr. Bettman, let's talk about the game so that I can become a more educated hockey...person.
Gary Bettman: Sure! What can I help you with?
George Bodenheimer: Okay, something I've always wondered: when a player skates into the zone ahead of the player with the puck and the referee blows the play dead...what's that called?
Gary Bettman: It's called "Dammit, Michael Grabner, you're too damn fast, slow the hell down and stop going off-side."
George Bodenheimer: Oh, so it's called off-side?
Gary Bettman: I'm not sure. Icing, penalty, power-play, boarding, goal, one of them...
George Bodenheimer: Mr. Bettman, please work with me here. I'm trying to get the NHL back on ESPN. Now what would you say are the three best rivalries in hockey right now?
Gary Bettman: Me versus Lou Lamoriello...oh, I'm sorry. Pittsburgh/Washington, Pittsburgh/Chicago, Chicago/Washington. Basically, the whole league.
George Bodenheimer: Ah, I see. Your league is wise to consist of few teams. I mean, honestly, how absolutely stupid would it be if the National Hockey League expanded to 30 teams and had teams in inadequate markets in the southern United States?!
Gary Bettman: Ha, yes, that would be dumb...oh, excuse me, I'm getting another call. / Hello?
Jamie Davis (Versus/Comcast President): Good evening, Mr. Bettman.
Gary Bettman: It's morning...anyway, Mr. Davis, I presume you've called to talk about a new TV deal. Well guess what? I'm on the phone with--
Jamie Davis: 5-years/$100,000.
Gary Bettman: Done! We did it! A new TV deal that will allow the NHL to prosper and grow to new heights!
Jamie Davis: Umm, you do know that this is the President of Versus, right?
Gary Bettman: You're not from ESPN?
Jamie Davis: No...
Gary Bettman: Crap. (hangs up on both of them)
Colin Campbell: So, Gary, did you sign a contract with ESPN?
Gary Bettman: No...
Colin Campbell: Matt! (A raging Matt Cooke enters and elbows Bettman in the face) Gary, I think you need some time in the quiet room!
Matt Cooke: Eh, we'll call him back in before the Celtics/Knicks game starts (both Campbell and Cooke leave the room).
George Bodenheimer: Hmm, I have been hung up on. Alright, we'll put poker back on ESPN.
George Bodenheimer (calls Gary Bettman): Hello, Mr. Bettman.
Gary Bettman: Umm, good evening.
George Bodenheimer: It's 9 AM...
Gary Bettman: Oh. I apologize.
George Bodenheimer: Anyway, I'm sure you know why I'm calling you--
Gary Bettman: Ah, yes, is it that time again?
George Bodenheimer: Yes, Mr. Bettman sir, I think it's time that we negotiate a new TV contract with the National Hockey League. Your on-ice product is at a premium right now, and we feel that we can provide proper marketing to your players and teams.
Gary Bettman: Oh that? I thought you were going to say that it's time for the NBA playoffs...
George Bodenheimer: That, too. Mr. Bettman, I'm sure that we can get an agreement done to put pro-hockey back on ESPN.
Gary Bettman: But what about poker?
George Bodenheimer: Well, let's just say poker ratings haven't exactly been that great. Hell, even hockey in America might be able to draw a larger audience. Now, Mr. Bettman, let's talk about the game so that I can become a more educated hockey...person.
Gary Bettman: Sure! What can I help you with?
George Bodenheimer: Okay, something I've always wondered: when a player skates into the zone ahead of the player with the puck and the referee blows the play dead...what's that called?
Gary Bettman: It's called "Dammit, Michael Grabner, you're too damn fast, slow the hell down and stop going off-side."
George Bodenheimer: Oh, so it's called off-side?
Gary Bettman: I'm not sure. Icing, penalty, power-play, boarding, goal, one of them...
George Bodenheimer: Mr. Bettman, please work with me here. I'm trying to get the NHL back on ESPN. Now what would you say are the three best rivalries in hockey right now?
Gary Bettman: Me versus Lou Lamoriello...oh, I'm sorry. Pittsburgh/Washington, Pittsburgh/Chicago, Chicago/Washington. Basically, the whole league.
George Bodenheimer: Ah, I see. Your league is wise to consist of few teams. I mean, honestly, how absolutely stupid would it be if the National Hockey League expanded to 30 teams and had teams in inadequate markets in the southern United States?!
Gary Bettman: Ha, yes, that would be dumb...oh, excuse me, I'm getting another call. / Hello?
Jamie Davis (Versus/Comcast President): Good evening, Mr. Bettman.
Gary Bettman: It's morning...anyway, Mr. Davis, I presume you've called to talk about a new TV deal. Well guess what? I'm on the phone with--
Jamie Davis: 5-years/$100,000.
Gary Bettman: Done! We did it! A new TV deal that will allow the NHL to prosper and grow to new heights!
Jamie Davis: Umm, you do know that this is the President of Versus, right?
Gary Bettman: You're not from ESPN?
Jamie Davis: No...
Gary Bettman: Crap. (hangs up on both of them)
Colin Campbell: So, Gary, did you sign a contract with ESPN?
Gary Bettman: No...
Colin Campbell: Matt! (A raging Matt Cooke enters and elbows Bettman in the face) Gary, I think you need some time in the quiet room!
Matt Cooke: Eh, we'll call him back in before the Celtics/Knicks game starts (both Campbell and Cooke leave the room).
George Bodenheimer: Hmm, I have been hung up on. Alright, we'll put poker back on ESPN.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Tweeting with NHL General Managers before the playoffs
As you know, the only NHL GM with a real Twitter account is Vancouver Canucks GM Mike Gillis, so don't take any of this seriously...not like you ever take me seriously... Anyway, as the playoffs approach, let's take a look at what NHL GMs have been tweeting to their followers and fans in a non-serious sort of way. Ignore the 140 character limit...
StillNoCupsSinceColorTV @BurkeysLeafs: Hey, Brian, just wanted to know what you think about next year, and the year after, and the year after now that we're done this year.
BurkeysLeafs @StillNoCupsSinceColorTV: We're very (VERY) optimistic about our organization moving forward. We have young talent that will propel into the promised land. Of course, we're still trying to find out what the promised land is...
RozysRangers @DontBlameMeGlen: I'm a little concerned. We haven't signed a big, expensive FA since '09 and we won't have cap space to sign Richards AND keep Anisimov, Boyle, Callahan and Dubinsky.
DontBlameMeGlen @RozysRangers: Don't worry about the salary cap, I'll get everything under control. I'll just trade all those guys for Recchi or some other washed up player.
LeafsSuck67 @GauthierNotMcGuire: Hi, Pierre, just wanted to know what you're planning to do once we get killed in the first round.
GauthierNotMcGuire @LeafsSuck67: Riot in the streets, of course! Just kidding, probably nothing.
IH8Steckel @EastSideMarios: Mr. Shero: Is Sidney Crosby going to be ready for the playoffs?
EastSideMarios @IH8Steckel: If be "playoffs," you mean Stanley Cup Finals Game 7, you're absolutely right.
MiamiFanoftheHeat @ITakeMyJobSeriously: Umm, someone told me there's a hockey team in Miami, so umm, how would I get tickets to such a game?
ITakeMyJobSeriously @MiamiFanoftheHeat: Good question. Go to Philly. We have special ticket offers for them there.
Kovaltron17 @JellyJarLou: Lou, have you talked with Zach Parise about a contract extension?
JellyJarLou @Kovaltron17: Everything with Zach is status quo.
TheGr8Eight @GeorgeMcFreeDC: Some of my friends are Penguins fans and they keep talking about winning the Stanley Cup. Why am I not familiar with this concept?
GeorgeMcFreeDC @TheGr8Eight: Well, you have to win four rounds of the playoffs to do that. Maybe someday, we'll get there, but first, we have to win one.
BrdStrBullies @AlwaysSunnyinPhilly: Hello, Mr. Holmgren, I was wondering if you could update me on Chris Pronger's status?
AlwaysSunnyinPhilly @BrdStrBullies: Well, he's under investigation as a suspect for stealing 20 pucks from Flyers practice this morning.
LightSabres30 @DarcyfromBuffalo How do you decide which players to keep and which players to let go?
DarcyfromBuffalo @LightSabres30: Well, there's a very detailed formula I use, it's called the How-Crazy-Of-A-Goal-Call-Can-Rick-Jeanneret-Pull-Off-When-He-Scores formula.
RaysBoltsBucs @YzermanRedWings: Who do you think is a better player, Steven Stamkos or Corey Perry?
YzermanRedWings @RaysBoltsBucs: I picked Corey for the Olympic team last year, but the truth is, I've never picked Steven for any of my teams before.
HollywoodHockey @LAmbardi: Dean, since Kopitar and Williams are hurt, how are we going to win in the playoffs???
LAmbardi @HollywoodHockey: Well, there's all those superstars I signed last summer, oh wait, crap, that was NHL 11.
BrentSutter @DarrylSutter: DARRYL?! WHY DON'T YOU REPLY TO MY TEXTS ANYMORE???
DarrylSutter @BrentSutter: Brent, I left the #Flames, therefore, I don't respond to questions about which player I'm going to sign this summer.
WereStillMighty @BMurray: Who do you think is the best playoff opponent for the #Ducks in the first round?
BMurray @WereStillMighty: I think you confused me with @BobMurray. I'm the #Sens GM, so the playoffs don't apply to me.
MattCooke24 @BostonPeteParty: Hey, since I'm getting suspended for the first round of the playoffs, I thought I'd watch some #Bruins hockey. Just saying!
TwitterAlerts @MattCooke24: We're sorry, but @BostonPeteParty has blocked you and does not wish to receive tweets from you.
DonMaloney @BESTNHLCommish: Gary, I put in the deposit for my apartment in Winnipeg. Keep me posted on the ownership situation.
BESTNHLCommish @DonMaloney: We will not give up on a great hockey market such as the one in Phoenix!
StillNoCupsSinceColorTV @BurkeysLeafs: Hey, Brian, just wanted to know what you think about next year, and the year after, and the year after now that we're done this year.
BurkeysLeafs @StillNoCupsSinceColorTV: We're very (VERY) optimistic about our organization moving forward. We have young talent that will propel into the promised land. Of course, we're still trying to find out what the promised land is...
RozysRangers @DontBlameMeGlen: I'm a little concerned. We haven't signed a big, expensive FA since '09 and we won't have cap space to sign Richards AND keep Anisimov, Boyle, Callahan and Dubinsky.
DontBlameMeGlen @RozysRangers: Don't worry about the salary cap, I'll get everything under control. I'll just trade all those guys for Recchi or some other washed up player.
LeafsSuck67 @GauthierNotMcGuire: Hi, Pierre, just wanted to know what you're planning to do once we get killed in the first round.
GauthierNotMcGuire @LeafsSuck67: Riot in the streets, of course! Just kidding, probably nothing.
IH8Steckel @EastSideMarios: Mr. Shero: Is Sidney Crosby going to be ready for the playoffs?
EastSideMarios @IH8Steckel: If be "playoffs," you mean Stanley Cup Finals Game 7, you're absolutely right.
MiamiFanoftheHeat @ITakeMyJobSeriously: Umm, someone told me there's a hockey team in Miami, so umm, how would I get tickets to such a game?
ITakeMyJobSeriously @MiamiFanoftheHeat: Good question. Go to Philly. We have special ticket offers for them there.
Kovaltron17 @JellyJarLou: Lou, have you talked with Zach Parise about a contract extension?
JellyJarLou @Kovaltron17: Everything with Zach is status quo.
TheGr8Eight @GeorgeMcFreeDC: Some of my friends are Penguins fans and they keep talking about winning the Stanley Cup. Why am I not familiar with this concept?
GeorgeMcFreeDC @TheGr8Eight: Well, you have to win four rounds of the playoffs to do that. Maybe someday, we'll get there, but first, we have to win one.
BrdStrBullies @AlwaysSunnyinPhilly: Hello, Mr. Holmgren, I was wondering if you could update me on Chris Pronger's status?
AlwaysSunnyinPhilly @BrdStrBullies: Well, he's under investigation as a suspect for stealing 20 pucks from Flyers practice this morning.
LightSabres30 @DarcyfromBuffalo How do you decide which players to keep and which players to let go?
DarcyfromBuffalo @LightSabres30: Well, there's a very detailed formula I use, it's called the How-Crazy-Of-A-Goal-Call-Can-Rick-Jeanneret-Pull-Off-When-He-Scores formula.
RaysBoltsBucs @YzermanRedWings: Who do you think is a better player, Steven Stamkos or Corey Perry?
YzermanRedWings @RaysBoltsBucs: I picked Corey for the Olympic team last year, but the truth is, I've never picked Steven for any of my teams before.
HollywoodHockey @LAmbardi: Dean, since Kopitar and Williams are hurt, how are we going to win in the playoffs???
LAmbardi @HollywoodHockey: Well, there's all those superstars I signed last summer, oh wait, crap, that was NHL 11.
BrentSutter @DarrylSutter: DARRYL?! WHY DON'T YOU REPLY TO MY TEXTS ANYMORE???
DarrylSutter @BrentSutter: Brent, I left the #Flames, therefore, I don't respond to questions about which player I'm going to sign this summer.
WereStillMighty @BMurray: Who do you think is the best playoff opponent for the #Ducks in the first round?
BMurray @WereStillMighty: I think you confused me with @BobMurray. I'm the #Sens GM, so the playoffs don't apply to me.
MattCooke24 @BostonPeteParty: Hey, since I'm getting suspended for the first round of the playoffs, I thought I'd watch some #Bruins hockey. Just saying!
TwitterAlerts @MattCooke24: We're sorry, but @BostonPeteParty has blocked you and does not wish to receive tweets from you.
DonMaloney @BESTNHLCommish: Gary, I put in the deposit for my apartment in Winnipeg. Keep me posted on the ownership situation.
BESTNHLCommish @DonMaloney: We will not give up on a great hockey market such as the one in Phoenix!
Monday, March 7, 2011
What is different about the second half New Jersey Devils?
The New Jersey Devils have not had a season in which they lost more games than they won since the 1990-91 season. They've made the playoffs every year over the past 13 and missed only once (1995-96) since 1988-89. During that time, they've won three Stanley Cup championships, made it to the finals four times and haven't gone more than five years without making the conference finals...until now. 2003 was the last time the Devils made it to the conference finals. This season, the team started the season a miserable 10-29-2, last in the NHL, but since, they have gone 20-2-2, and are now within striking distance of (dare I say this) a playoff spot. In the first half, the team's theme song could have been "Sympathy for the Devil," but now, you're lucky to be "Runnin' with the Devil." That, in itself, is remarkable, however, there must be an explaination for this incredible turnaround. DGA investigates.
Differences between the first half and second half of the season for the Devils (from the eyes of a player):
FIRST HALF - Shoot from anywhere, even if it has absolutely no chance to find its way to the net, let alone in it.
SECOND HALF - Who are we kidding? We don't play Ottawa every night.
FIRST HALF - Our team spent $100 million on Ilya Kovalchuk, let's make him score all the goals for us.
SECOND HALF - Our team spent $100 million on Ilya Kovalchuk, let's make him score all the goals for us.
FIRST HALF - We get booed off the ice every night, but at least our physical safety is not a factor.
SECOND HALF - Damn, I sure hope our fans aren't ascreative idiotic as Toronto Maple Leaf fans.
FIRST HALF - Man, I'm tired. Maybe I'll just take a shift off. It's not like John MacLean will notice.
SECOND HALF - Mattias Tedenby can't even take a shower, since he can't work up a sweat, because Jacques never lets him play.
FIRST HALF - Johan Hedberg looks just like he did in Atlanta. No defensive support and he gets lit up every night.
SECOND HALF - Hmm, maybe Martin Brodeur does have it easy in New Jersey...
FIRST HALF - Another loss, another night of crappy officiating.
SECOND HALF - Another win, another night of crappy officiating.
FIRST HALF - The Devils are absolutely terrible with Jamie Langenbrunner.
SECOND HALF - The Dallas Stars are absolutely terrible with Jamie Langenbrunner.
FIRST HALF - John MacLean cancelled practice today. He probably had to plan his retirement funds a bit earlier than expected. At least he left us shooting drills to practice.
SECOND HALF - Jacques Lemaire's idea of shooting drills at targets shaped like John MacLean's face are really working well.
FIRST HALF - "Collapsing" is referred to as something the Devils do every spring.
SECOND HALF - "Collapsing" is referred to as a brilliant defensive scheme that most successful teams impliment to win, yet the Devils constantly get accused of ruining hockey by using it.
FIRST HALF - I thought signing Kovalchuk was supposed to help attendance...
SECOND HALF - Why did we have to come all the way out to Long Island for another sold out home game?
FIRST HALF - Uh-oh, Lou Lamoriello mysteriously brought a bag filled with jars of jelly to his office today.
SECOND HALF - Oh, he just legitimately enjoys eating jelly.
FIRST HALF - Wow, if Jamie Langenbrunner is only worth a 3rd round pick...
SECOND HALF - What? Jason Arnott brought a 2nd round pick back and the guy who knocked Sidney Crosby out during the Winter Classic?
FIRST HALF - Well, at least I can have a longer summer this year. I better call my buddies on thePanthers (too bad I don't know anyone on the Panthers...) Maple Leafs to find out exactly how that works.
SECOND HALF - Dammit, I might lose my summer plans! Oh well, I could always retire, since I have pretty much every record a goalie could ever get.
FIRST HALF - You'll give us a 5th round pick for Kovy? Hmm...
SECOND HALF - Oh, wait, that Kovy? He's worth a 7th rounder...
FIRST HALF - Is that the same suit John MacLean wore yesterday?
SECOND HALF - Is that the same piece of gum Jacques Lemaire was chewing yesterday?
FIRST HALF - Pierre LeBlond? What an idiot...
SECOND HALF - Kris Letang forgot to tie his jersey down? If he only learned from Andrew Peters last year. See, I knew that Peters guy was useful for something.
FIRST HALF - Still awaiting Anton Volchenkov's first goal as a Devil. Oh well, he was injured, he'll be fine.
SECOND HALF - Wait, Brett Lebda and Hal Gill scored goals this year? Gill has...2???
FIRST HALF - Man, this Tedenby kid is fast. Gionta who? Stephen?
SECOND HALF - Trevor Gillies had more ice time than Mattias Tedenby last night?
FIRST HALF - I can't believe Matt Cooke has more points than Ilya Kovalchuk.
SECOND HALF - Matt Cooke still has a higher shooting percentage than Kovalchuk...
Differences between the first half and second half of the season for the Devils (from the eyes of a player):
FIRST HALF - Shoot from anywhere, even if it has absolutely no chance to find its way to the net, let alone in it.
SECOND HALF - Who are we kidding? We don't play Ottawa every night.
FIRST HALF - Our team spent $100 million on Ilya Kovalchuk, let's make him score all the goals for us.
SECOND HALF - Our team spent $100 million on Ilya Kovalchuk, let's make him score all the goals for us.
FIRST HALF - We get booed off the ice every night, but at least our physical safety is not a factor.
SECOND HALF - Damn, I sure hope our fans aren't as
FIRST HALF - Man, I'm tired. Maybe I'll just take a shift off. It's not like John MacLean will notice.
SECOND HALF - Mattias Tedenby can't even take a shower, since he can't work up a sweat, because Jacques never lets him play.
FIRST HALF - Johan Hedberg looks just like he did in Atlanta. No defensive support and he gets lit up every night.
SECOND HALF - Hmm, maybe Martin Brodeur does have it easy in New Jersey...
FIRST HALF - Another loss, another night of crappy officiating.
SECOND HALF - Another win, another night of crappy officiating.
FIRST HALF - The Devils are absolutely terrible with Jamie Langenbrunner.
SECOND HALF - The Dallas Stars are absolutely terrible with Jamie Langenbrunner.
FIRST HALF - John MacLean cancelled practice today. He probably had to plan his retirement funds a bit earlier than expected. At least he left us shooting drills to practice.
SECOND HALF - Jacques Lemaire's idea of shooting drills at targets shaped like John MacLean's face are really working well.
FIRST HALF - "Collapsing" is referred to as something the Devils do every spring.
SECOND HALF - "Collapsing" is referred to as a brilliant defensive scheme that most successful teams impliment to win, yet the Devils constantly get accused of ruining hockey by using it.
FIRST HALF - I thought signing Kovalchuk was supposed to help attendance...
SECOND HALF - Why did we have to come all the way out to Long Island for another sold out home game?
FIRST HALF - Uh-oh, Lou Lamoriello mysteriously brought a bag filled with jars of jelly to his office today.
SECOND HALF - Oh, he just legitimately enjoys eating jelly.
FIRST HALF - Wow, if Jamie Langenbrunner is only worth a 3rd round pick...
SECOND HALF - What? Jason Arnott brought a 2nd round pick back and the guy who knocked Sidney Crosby out during the Winter Classic?
FIRST HALF - Well, at least I can have a longer summer this year. I better call my buddies on the
SECOND HALF - Dammit, I might lose my summer plans! Oh well, I could always retire, since I have pretty much every record a goalie could ever get.
FIRST HALF - You'll give us a 5th round pick for Kovy? Hmm...
SECOND HALF - Oh, wait, that Kovy? He's worth a 7th rounder...
FIRST HALF - Is that the same suit John MacLean wore yesterday?
SECOND HALF - Is that the same piece of gum Jacques Lemaire was chewing yesterday?
FIRST HALF - Pierre LeBlond? What an idiot...
SECOND HALF - Kris Letang forgot to tie his jersey down? If he only learned from Andrew Peters last year. See, I knew that Peters guy was useful for something.
FIRST HALF - Still awaiting Anton Volchenkov's first goal as a Devil. Oh well, he was injured, he'll be fine.
SECOND HALF - Wait, Brett Lebda and Hal Gill scored goals this year? Gill has...2???
FIRST HALF - Man, this Tedenby kid is fast. Gionta who? Stephen?
SECOND HALF - Trevor Gillies had more ice time than Mattias Tedenby last night?
FIRST HALF - I can't believe Matt Cooke has more points than Ilya Kovalchuk.
SECOND HALF - Matt Cooke still has a higher shooting percentage than Kovalchuk...
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Problems with the Caps-Pens rivalry
If you catch a rare ESPN segment where they talk about hockey, Pittsburgh and Washington are probably the featured teams. Washington, Pittsburgh; Pittsburgh, Washington. Sometimes, listening to Barry Melrose talking about Crosby and Ovechkin just makes you want to pull off that ridiculous hair of his and lend it to Pierre McGuire, because of the obnoxious glare you see on TV with the arena lights shining on his head (thanks to @retroguy777, I may have borrowed that). Either way, here's a list of problems with the Washington-Pittsburgh rivalry.
ESPN - Anytime ESPN says something about hockey, assume the opposite. Here, they say the Caps-Pens rivalry is the league's best.
Scandals - Usually, a crazy game or playoff series occurs, which brews a rivalry, sometimes involving officials. In this rivalry, Pittsburgh wins because the scandal with always go one way.
Lop-sided results - The Caps have owned Pittsburgh for much of the regular season recently. The playoffs do balance that, however.
All about the stars - Let's face it, the rivalry would be nothing without Crosby and Ovechkin. Now, if, say, Matt Cooke were to brutally knock out a Cap or John Erskine were to wickedly own a Penguin in a fight, then there'd be something to look forward to.
Mario Lemieux - If you listen to Mario and league keeps handling situations the way they do, he's selling the Penguins, which naturally leads to bankruptcy and the relocation of the franchise, thus destroying the rivalry. Um, Gary, this is where you step in and fix everything...
Relevance - Just because they're the only two teams in hockey not in Chicago doesn't mean they hate each other.
Divisions - Although they both used to play in the Patrick division, they are in seperate divisions now. Washington gets to play in huge hockey markets, such as Atlanta and Miami.
HOW TO MAKE IT A RIVALRY:
- Back in the 1970s and 1980s, teams would just start brawls with each other. To avoid having the entire roster of a team suspended and relying on minor leaguers, the teams should avoid this, unless you're like Pittsburgh and you already have a minor league roster on your NHL team, then you really need to be careful.
- The Pittsburgh Penguins badly need a superstar on their team. Right now, Alex Ovechkin is the only relevant player in the rivalry. Too bad Pittsburgh doesn't have one of those...
- You can't just create a rivalry because it amuses Gary Bettman, it needs to develop over time. They've met in the playoffs once, if they do again, two things will be certain: a) The rivalry will become more intense and b) Washington won't play anyone else that season after that series.
- There needs to be bad blood, not just from the seats, but from the people involved with the teams. It's a shame neither team has an owner willing to openly come out and criticize things...
- Not only is the rivalry lop-sided, but if you take the two stars, Crosby and Ovechkin, their facial-hair-growing-ability is as well. If you averaged them together, you'd probably come up with two average human beings.
- To make this the best rivalry in the NHL, the easiest thing for Gary Bettman to do is simply get rid of the Original Six.
- For fans' amusement, Mike Milbury should coach one of the teams and Pierre McGuire should coach the other. Pierre would only have to move over twenty feet from where he already stands and annoys players.
- If they listen to me about the Milbury/McGuire one, make sure everyone brings extra Tylenol.
ESPN - Anytime ESPN says something about hockey, assume the opposite. Here, they say the Caps-Pens rivalry is the league's best.
Scandals - Usually, a crazy game or playoff series occurs, which brews a rivalry, sometimes involving officials. In this rivalry, Pittsburgh wins because the scandal with always go one way.
Lop-sided results - The Caps have owned Pittsburgh for much of the regular season recently. The playoffs do balance that, however.
All about the stars - Let's face it, the rivalry would be nothing without Crosby and Ovechkin. Now, if, say, Matt Cooke were to brutally knock out a Cap or John Erskine were to wickedly own a Penguin in a fight, then there'd be something to look forward to.
Mario Lemieux - If you listen to Mario and league keeps handling situations the way they do, he's selling the Penguins, which naturally leads to bankruptcy and the relocation of the franchise, thus destroying the rivalry. Um, Gary, this is where you step in and fix everything...
Relevance - Just because they're the only two teams in hockey not in Chicago doesn't mean they hate each other.
Divisions - Although they both used to play in the Patrick division, they are in seperate divisions now. Washington gets to play in huge hockey markets, such as Atlanta and Miami.
HOW TO MAKE IT A RIVALRY:
- Back in the 1970s and 1980s, teams would just start brawls with each other. To avoid having the entire roster of a team suspended and relying on minor leaguers, the teams should avoid this, unless you're like Pittsburgh and you already have a minor league roster on your NHL team, then you really need to be careful.
- The Pittsburgh Penguins badly need a superstar on their team. Right now, Alex Ovechkin is the only relevant player in the rivalry. Too bad Pittsburgh doesn't have one of those...
- You can't just create a rivalry because it amuses Gary Bettman, it needs to develop over time. They've met in the playoffs once, if they do again, two things will be certain: a) The rivalry will become more intense and b) Washington won't play anyone else that season after that series.
- There needs to be bad blood, not just from the seats, but from the people involved with the teams. It's a shame neither team has an owner willing to openly come out and criticize things...
- Not only is the rivalry lop-sided, but if you take the two stars, Crosby and Ovechkin, their facial-hair-growing-ability is as well. If you averaged them together, you'd probably come up with two average human beings.
- To make this the best rivalry in the NHL, the easiest thing for Gary Bettman to do is simply get rid of the Original Six.
- For fans' amusement, Mike Milbury should coach one of the teams and Pierre McGuire should coach the other. Pierre would only have to move over twenty feet from where he already stands and annoys players.
- If they listen to me about the Milbury/McGuire one, make sure everyone brings extra Tylenol.
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