NHL Power Rankings - Week of November 7th, 2011

Welcome to the 4th weekly installment of DGA's NHL Power Rankings for the 2011-12 season.  It was another eventful week in the NHL, and a week filled with some high-scoring games.......and of course, some low-scoring games to make the goaltenders happy and the league insane.  Here's my top 30.

1. Dallas Stars (+2) - They don't have Hull and Modano, and they'd prefer to beat you 2-1, but if they have to, they can beat you 7-6 as well.

2. Pittsburgh Penguins (--) - Perhaps the Pens are keeping Sidney Crosby out of the lineup to prevent disruption to the team's chemistry right now.

3. Chicago Blackhawks (+6) - Patrick Kane apparently ran into one of the Sedin twins last night, so presumably, the Sedins own a taxi company.

4. Washington Capitals (+1) - Bruce Boudreau should just stop @#$%ing trying to be a @#$%ing defensive team and just use the @#$%ing offenive talent he has.

5. Toronto Maple Leafs (-4) - They got Seguin'ed.  Again.

6. San Jose Sharks (--) - Their comeback win against the Penguins was good for the Sharks, but not for fans who were trying to convince management that their black jerseys have to go.

7. Los Angeles Kings (-3) - Dean Lombardi has truly prevented this team from being elite.

8. Edmonton Oilers (--) - You think Paranormal Activity is weird?  How about the Edmonton Oilers owning the NHL's lowest goals against average?

9. Colorado Avalanche (-2) - Perhaps the recent snow woke Matt Duschene up from his summer hibernation.

10. Buffalo Sabres (+3) - There's no goalie problems in Buffalo.  What idiot said that??

11. Nashville Predators (+6) - The coming months in Nashville will be full of speculation: Suter or Weber?

12. Philadelphia Flyers (+2) - They definitely took advantage of their Saturday night game against the not-so-great Blue Jackets to fix some problems.

13. Tampa Bay Lightning (+3) - Tampa Bay had a few comeback wins this week, and Steven Stamkos decided that it's time to hunt down Phil Kessel.

14. Minnesota Wild (+5) - The stellar of play of Josh Harding makes Minnesota once again relevant.

15. Detroit Red Wings (--) - The unimaginable losing streak in Detroit is over, courtesy of a 5-0 win over Anaheim, but Red Wing fans have been humbled through this experience.

16. Vancouver Canucks (-4) - The Blackhawks hosted the Canucks last night and they kept playing Roberto Luongo's favorite song: Chelsea Dagger...

17. New York Rangers (+11) - Sometimes, Marian Gaborik stays awake on the ice and when he does, the Rangers are actually not a terrible team.

18. Ottawa Senators (-7) - The Powerhouse Sens (that's my official 2011-12 nickname for Ottawa, regardless of result) hid a bit of a bump in the road, but hey, they're not dead last right now, which is where they probably should be on November 7th.

19. Florida Panthers (-9) - Some teams fans like the shootout.  The Panthers don't, and their fans don't either.

20. Phoenix Coyotes (+1) - Mike Smith is having a great year in Phoenix so far.  He'll absolutely hate Philadelphia when he signs there.

21. New Jersey Devils (+6) - Adam Henrique might be the newest Jersey hero since Snooki.

22. St. Louis Blues (-4) - Not even former Powerhouse Sens goalie Brian Elliott can get a win right now.

23. Boston Bruins (+2) - I'd love to know what Claude Julien told his Bruins before they went into the ACC and shredded the Leafs on Saturday, and humbled Leafs Nation along the way.

24. Calgary Flames (-1) - Knowing the Avs had just played in a game featuring 13 combined goals, the Flames beat Colorado, 2-1 on Sunday.

25. Anaheim Ducks (-3) - Not even the Elder Great 8 can keep the Ducks afloat right now.

26. Carolina Hurricanes (-2) - Eric Staal is a lot better than 5 points and a -16 rating over 14 games.  He hasn't been the same player since he realized that his hit on his brother Marc severely injured Marc.

27. New York Islanders (-1) - Despite a win over Washington on Saturday, John Tavares is due for a hat trick, just as Rick DiPietro is due for...well, never mind.

28. Montreal Canadiens (-8) - The Habs and Leafs seem to have switched roles this season.

29. Winnipeg Jets (--) - All of those New Yorkers booing the Jets on Sunday seemed a bit unusual.

30-59. The Teams of the AHL (Not Ranked) - Are some AHL teams better than the Winnipeg Jets?  That is up for debate.

60. Columbus Blue Jackets (-30) - Steve Mason has been inducted into the One Year Wonder Hall of Fame this past week.

Top secret: NHL's annual Halloween party

Every year, the NHL hosts a top secret Halloween party at an unknown catering hall in New York City.  Why NYC?  Because Gary Bettman lives nearby and whatever he wants...happens.  Through some hard work and research, I was able to find out where the party was this year, and well, here's what happened.


Gary Bettman (dressed as Mario Lemieux): Good evening, everyone, I'd like to welcome you to the NHL's annual Halloween Party.  I'd like to especially welcome all of the rookies and first-timers here tonight.  We have an open bar, so enjoy everyone!

*Gabriel Landeskog, Jeff Skinner, Adam Larsson, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins and many other under-21 players run over to the open bar, only to be escorted into a small private room with Brendan Shanahan.

Brian Burke (dressed as a wizard): Evening, Pete.  How's it going?

Peter Chiarelli (dressed as a bear): It's going well, Brian, and you?  (*flashes Burke his Stanley Cup ring*)

Brian Burke: Good.  Glad to hear that.  You know...

Peter Chiarelli (interrupts): Yes, I know, Phil Kessel leads the league in goal scoring.  (Burke smiles)  But I have a ring.

Sean Avery (dressed as a clown) - (interrupts both Burke and Chiarelli): Hey guys.  Wanna put a claim in for me?  (Chiarelli and Burke stare at each other, and awkwardly walk away.)

Rick DiPietro (dressed as a hockey goalie): Hey Jack, how are you?

Jack Capuano (dressed as Mets pitcher Chris Capuano): Doing well, Ricky.  *Shakes DiPietro's hand.*

Rick DiPietro: Owwww!!  *Falls to the ground in pain.*

Jack Capuano: *Calls across the room* Garth, Rick is done for the season!

Jeff Skinner (dressed as Giants pitcher Brian Wilson): Come here, guys, I found a secret entrance to the bar!  *Skinner leads the under-21 players into the bar and pours them drinks.

Andrew Ladd: (to his Jets teammates): Who is that guy over at the buffet?  That's not.......oh no.  *walks over to buffet table.*  Kyle, how much food can you possibly eat?

Kyle Wellwood (dressed as Santa Claus): Hey, I'm just trying to be authentic...

Alex Ovechkin (dressed as Superman): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Chris Pronger (dressed as a boxer): Shutup! *Elbows Ovechkin to the ground.* 

Alex Ovechkin: Hey, Chris, look at what that guy wrote on my Twitter!

Brendan Shanahan (dressed as a traffic cop): Hey, Pronger, Gary told me to keep a close eye on you tonight.

Chris Pronger: Dammit.  *Shrugs shoulders and heads to the penalty room.*

Brendan Shanahan: Pronger, keep an eye on the kids in there.

Pavel Datsyuk: *Walks around the room stealing everyone's drinks.*  Here you go, Nik.

Nikolai Khabibulin: Thanks, Pavel.  You're so good at playing your role in real life.

Dany Heatley (sitting at a table with his teammates): Hey, can someone get me a drink?  I'm too lazy to get it myself.

Ilya Bryzgalov (dressed as a hunter in the woods): Hey bartender, can I get a refill?

Bartender: Sure.  *Slides a shot glass down the front of the bar, Bryzgalov misses it and it falls off the edge of the bar.*

Jonathan Quick: Look out!  *Sprints over to the bar and dives to catch the shot glass.*

Ilya Bryzgalov: Nice save, Quick.

*Suddenly, someone dressed as Roadrunner from Looney Tunes races across the room.*

Rick DiPietro (still on the floor): Was that Grabs?

Glen Sather (dressed as Michael Swenson, who was one of the members of Goldman Sachs blamed for poor investment decisions): Damn, I have to sign that Grabner kid.

Gary Bettman: Glen, you're not tampering with anyone, are you?  You know we have integrity in this league, right?

Zach Parise: Hey Gary, he was talking to me too.

Shea Weber: Me too!

Gary Bettman: Does anyone feel the ground shaking?  *Ground shakes.*

Zdeno Chara (dressed as the Hulk): Sorry I'm late.

Brian Burke: Mike, go make yourself useful.

Mike Komisarek: Sorry, Brian, I don't think I can do that.

Ron Wilson: Ha, he got that right...

Bruce Boudreau (dressed as Eminem): *Slams his foot on a chair.*  What the @#$%?  This &!@#$% chair, oh @!#$.

Paul Bissonnette (dressed as Dan Carcillo): Hey Danny, did you see this costume?  *Shows Dan Carcillo (dressed as Paul Bissonnette) his cell phone.*

*Avery approaches BizNasty and Carcillo, and they eventually start a brawl, destroying everything in sight.

Chris Pronger: Hey, I want a part of this!  *Jumps on top of Avery.*

Brendan Shanahan: *Blows referee whistle.*  Hey, Pronger, get back in there!

Paul Holmgren: I think I'll claim that Avery guy.

Scott Hartnell: No, please, no!  *Hartnell falls.*  Dammit.

Gary Bettman: Okay, this is out of hand.  Party's over.

Zdeno Chara: Aww, c'mon, we haven't had dessert yet.

Kyle Wellwood: Say what??

Gary Bettman: O-o-okay, Z-zdeno, we'll have dessert.  *Sweating as he looks up at Chara.*

How to tell if your team has a goaltending problem

For obvious reasons, last night's 17 goal shootout in Philadelphia raised more questions about the Flyers' goaltending situation.  That seems to be a common theme and Flyers tradition over the past decades.  But it isn't only the Flyers who have goaltending issues.  Check out this helpful guide to see if your team is facing goaltending issues.


No Problem - Your team's starting goalie has developed a creative dance that he performs at the end of every victory.
Problem - Your team's starting goalie has apparently forgot the dance because he can't use it.

No problem - Your team's goalie uses pads as massive as Henrik Lundqvist...or your team's starting goalie is Henrik Lundqvist.
Problem - Your team's "starting" goalie seems alarmed when the siren sounds to end a period, since he usually doesn't make it to the end of a period.

No problem - Your general manager signed a goaltender to a cheap contract because he wants to win a Stanley Cup, even though nobody else on your team wants to win the Cup.
Problem - Your team's goaltender drives a Ferrari and likes to race through the desert.

No problem - Martin Brodeur recently asked your team's goalie to borrow his pads.
Problem - That goalie becomes a free agent soon, and judging by your team's track record with goalies, that isn't a good thing.

No problem - Your team's goalie has won a pair of Vezina trophies over the past three seasons.
Problem - Your team's goalie has won a pair of Vezina's, but refuses to score goals to support him.

No problem - It's July and your team's general manager just signed a star goaltender to a long contract.
Problem - It's October, and that same goaltender somehow got lost in the woods.

No problem - Your team is coached by Dave Tippett.
Problem - If your team is coached by Dave Tippett, you have other things to worry about than goaltending.

No problem - When asked about his team's goaltending situation, your team's general manager simply replies "status quo."
Problem - Your team's head coach says "we need to start playing as well as the Senators," and he means it.

No problem - Your team has a goalie named Jonathan, and another named Jonathan to back him up.
Problem - Your opponent fires their assistant coach and has their captain steamroll goalies.

No problem - You have Nicklas Lidstrom on your team.
Problem - You have Brett Lebda on your team.

Problem - Your team's goaltender has ever heard of the Flyers.
Even worse problem - Your team's goaltender is under contract for the better part of the decade with the Canucks.
Worst problem of them all - Your team's goaltender has a contract for this decade and part of the next with the Islanders.

NHL Power Rankings - Week of October 23rd, 2011

Welcome to DGA's Week 2 NHL Power Rankings.  There is a new #1 after Saturday night's lopsided battle of undefeated teams.  There's also a new #30.  Awesome.  For a complete list of all 30 NHL teams and their records, click here.


1. Washington Capitals (+2) - Tomas Vokoun has stepped up big-time for the Caps of late.  Then again, even Vesa Toskala could probably win a game when the Caps put up 7 against Detroit.

2. Pittsburgh Penguins (--) - James Neal has taken the NHL by storm this season.  If he started shooting from areas other than the goal line, he could do even better.

3. Colorado Avalanche (+3) - The Avs are turning into road warriors this season, having won their sixth game in six tries away from home last night.  What would help them at home is if their goal horn didn't sound like a dying cow.

4. Los Angeles Kings (+7) - L.A. is coming off a 4-0-0 week, including three straight shutouts by Jonathan Quick, however Drew Doughty has just one assist in four games this season.  Whoever decided it was a good idea to give him such a big contract should learn some lessons about signing superstars...

5. Dallas Stars (+3) - Dallas is off to a strong start this season, just like last season.  Also like last season, they're led by the best forward the media thinks you've never heard of...even thought you've heard of Loui Eriksson.

6. Detroit Red Wings (-5) - In hindsight, starting their backup goalie in Washington after starting Howard against Columbus wasn't really the best idea...

7. Toronto Maple Leafs (--) - Mikhail Grabovski scored a pretty overtime goal in Montreal last night, but then again, Habs players are essentially traffic cones right now, in terms of movement and size.

8. Chicago Blackhawks (+8) - Chicago looks to be on its way to a rebound season after a first round exit from last year's playoffs.  Something else to note: last time Ray Emery was in the NHL, his team lost to Chicago in the Cup Finals.  I don't think Chicago will lose to Chicago this year, though.

9. San Jose Sharks (+15) - Joe Thornton played his 1,000th regular season NHL game this week.  It's important to note that it was in fact regular season, because even though his stat-card says he's played in 109 playoff games, you have to wonder if he's actually showed up for any of them.

10. Buffalo Sabres (-1) - Has anyone stopped to think about what would happen to Rick Jeanneret if the Buffalo Sabres were to win the Stanley Cup?

11. Vancouver Canucks (+6) - Ryan Kesler's return to the lineup against the Rangers this past week didn't pay off immediately, partially because Henrik Lundqvist was so busy stopping everything including the post-game riots.  The Canucks have won two straight since then.

12. Philadelphia Flyers (-8) - The Flyers dropped their first two games of the season this week, but at least they've got their number one goaltender playing well, he is playing...

13. Florida Panthers (+7) - The Panthers players might want to cancel their vacation plans for late April and could be to spend more time in Miami instead.

14. St. Louis Blues (+8) - Jason Arnott continues to work wonders for the Blues, which begs the question: how much longer will he last in St. Louis before Lou Lamoriello gets him back?

15. Tampa Bay Lightning (+8) - Tampa has only allowed one goal over its last two games after allowing 25 goals in their first give games.  The general feeling in Tampa Bay right now is that less is more, at least when talking to Martin St. Louis.

16. Edmonton Oilers (+5) - Ryan Nugent-Hopkins won't be returned to Juniors this season.  The bad news is that this means the Oilers are a better team, and thus won't have a legitimate shot at landing their third straight first overall pick this coming June.

17. Anaheim Ducks (-5) - The Ducks' big three are "saving it" for the playoffs.  How they're planning to get to the playoffs may become a bit of a problem.

18. Boston Bruins (-5) - Bruins fans were thanking Phil Kessel for indirectly giving their team Tyler Seguin, but Kessel has scored more than Seguin and his team is better than Seguin's at the moment.  I guess in Boston's twisted way of looking at things, they are better right now.

19. New York Islanders (-14) - Planet Earth welcomed back John Tavares this week, as the Isles look more like the Isles we've come to know recently.

20. New Jersey Devils (-10) - Down Zajac and Josefson, the Devils will spend Monday holding auditions to find another center.  Any fan who owns a jersey is invited.

21. Minnesota Wild (-7) - The Wild really need to work on protecting leads with 0.5 seconds to go in the 3rd period.  Teaching Dany Heatley to not act like a goat in overtime would help too.

22. Carolina Hurricanes (-3) - Blowing a 2-0 lead by allowing five straight goals to Winnipeg really hurt them.  The fact that Brian Boucher was their goaltender makes it far more understandable, though.

23. Nashville Predators (-8) - Pekka Rinne allowed four goals in one period to Vancouver, but he did shut out the Calgary Flames.  I'm not sure which performance was more impressive, honestly.

24. Winnipeg Jets (+6) - The Jets have been playing better recently.  It must be the lovely buffet Kyle Wellwood keeps taking his team to after each win.

25. New York Rangers (+2) - In short, Henrik Lundqvist is the difference between the Rangers having a single point this season in the NHL and being demoted to the AHL.

26. Ottawa Senators (+2) - If Ottawa's impressive come-from-behind victory last night had been against any team other than Columbus, it might actually cause people to take the Sens slightly more seriously.

27. Phoenix Coyotes (-9) - I think it's safe to say Phoenix probably shouldn't have drafted Kyle Turris third overall in 2007.

28. Montreal Canadiens (-3) - The highlight of the week for the Habs: Brian Gionta injuring James Reimer.  Well, that and Carey Price's apparent save in practice.

29. Calgary Flames (-3) - The Flames weren't awful this week, but expecting them to hold on and have a good year is like expecting Matt Cooke to not end at least one player's career this season: it just won't happen.

30. Columbus Blue Jackets (-1) - Blowing a lead and losing in regulation by allowing two goals in the last 36 seconds of a game to Ottawa is a very clever way to continue their quest to Fail for Nail.

Top 10 Video Special - Moments from 2010-11

It's been a while, but I think it's time to do another Top-10 chronicle. The following are the Top 10 moments that I will remember ten years from now. This is the seventh part of the Top 10 Video series. Enjoy, and I promise that we will all remember #1.



10. Have another waffle, Toronto!

While losing to an NHL team that doesn't even exist anymore, a Leafs fan decided that it would be amusing to throw waffles onto the ice...during the game.  That also made every hockey blogger's life much easier.

9. You want Gerbe, you get double Gerbe.

Trailing 4-0 to the Islanders, Buffalo's Nathan Gerbe decided he'd cut the deficit in less time than it takes for Brian Rolston to take one shot.

8. No goaltender required

Steven Stamkos is an elite goal scorer, but one night in Pittsburgh, things didn't go his way, especially when he was awarded a penalty shot.

7. Crashing Pittsburgh's party.

The downfall of Sidney Crosby's season began at the Winter Classic, when David Steckel knocked him out, leaving Crosby shaken up.

6. It ain't over until Tim Thomas says it's over

In a season that resulted in a Vezina Trophy and Stanley Cup, Tim Thomas made several memorable saves, but perhaps none greater than this one in Toronto.

5. Finding top gear

Okay, so I'm a little bias, but here's one that Devils fans probably won't forget for a long time, as Ilya Kovalchuk continued to pile up game-winning goals.  This one would be the only one of the night for either team.

4. Welcome to the NHL, Jordan Eberle

The proverbial, or "ideal" first career NHL goal is often described as a perfect wrist shot that rings off the crossbar and into the net.  Well, Jordan Eberle might disagree with you.

3. Twice is a charm

The goal of the playoffs was undoubtedly Bobby Ryan's double-deke against the Predators.  Let's ignore the fact that he undressed a forward without a stick, let's pretend he undressed Suter and Weber.

2. Stanley Cup Champions

Can you believe the Bruins had the nerve to go into Vancouver and indirectly cause riots??!

1. Saving the best for last

Okay, this one's a bit of a joke, but I couldn't resist.  Brett Lebda scored a goal in Montreal this year, and the world shook.  Don't believe me?  Well, a) I was there, so I can tell you and b) here's video proof.

Making fun of Gary Bettman, part 87 (okay, not really...)

This is the time of year to be a hockey fan.  Well, unless you root for the Toronto Maple Leafs, New York Islanders, Florida Panthers, Ottawa Senators, Edmonton Oilers...you know, teams that aren't necessarily playoff "regulars."  But playoff hockey is fun for everyone.  Everyone except Gary Bettman.  Let's take a look at some dialogue between NHL commissioner Gary Bettman and ESPN President George Bodenheimer, as the two sides discuss a potential TV deal.

George Bodenheimer (calls Gary Bettman): Hello, Mr. Bettman.

Gary Bettman: Umm, good evening.

George Bodenheimer: It's 9 AM...

Gary Bettman: Oh.  I apologize.

George Bodenheimer: Anyway, I'm sure you know why I'm calling you--

Gary Bettman: Ah, yes, is it that time again?

George Bodenheimer: Yes, Mr. Bettman sir, I think it's time that we negotiate a new TV contract with the National Hockey League.  Your on-ice product is at a premium right now, and we feel that we can provide proper marketing to your players and teams.

Gary Bettman: Oh that?  I thought you were going to say that it's time for the NBA playoffs...

George Bodenheimer: That, too.  Mr. Bettman, I'm sure that we can get an agreement done to put pro-hockey back on ESPN.

Gary Bettman: But what about poker?

George Bodenheimer: Well, let's just say poker ratings haven't exactly been that great.  Hell, even hockey in America might be able to draw a larger audience.  Now, Mr. Bettman, let's talk about the game so that I can become a more educated hockey...person.

Gary Bettman: Sure!  What can I help you with?

George Bodenheimer: Okay, something I've always wondered: when a player skates into the zone ahead of the player with the puck and the referee blows the play dead...what's that called?

Gary Bettman: It's called "Dammit, Michael Grabner, you're too damn fast, slow the hell down and stop going off-side."

George Bodenheimer: Oh, so it's called off-side?

Gary Bettman: I'm not sure.  Icing, penalty, power-play, boarding, goal, one of them...

George Bodenheimer: Mr. Bettman, please work with me here.  I'm trying to get the NHL back on ESPN.  Now what would you say are the three best rivalries in hockey right now?

Gary Bettman: Me versus Lou Lamoriello...oh, I'm sorry.  Pittsburgh/Washington, Pittsburgh/Chicago, Chicago/Washington.  Basically, the whole league.

George Bodenheimer: Ah, I see.  Your league is wise to consist of few teams.  I mean, honestly, how absolutely stupid would it be if the National Hockey League expanded to 30 teams and had teams in inadequate markets in the southern United States?!

Gary Bettman: Ha, yes, that would be dumb...oh, excuse me, I'm getting another call. / Hello?

Jamie Davis (Versus/Comcast President): Good evening, Mr. Bettman.

Gary Bettman: It's morning...anyway, Mr. Davis, I presume you've called to talk about a new TV deal.  Well guess what?  I'm on the phone with--

Jamie Davis: 5-years/$100,000.

Gary Bettman: Done!  We did it!  A new TV deal that will allow the NHL to prosper and grow to new heights!

Jamie Davis: Umm, you do know that this is the President of Versus, right?

Gary Bettman: You're not from ESPN?

Jamie Davis: No...

Gary Bettman: Crap.  (hangs up on both of them)

Colin Campbell: So, Gary, did you sign a contract with ESPN?

Gary Bettman: No...

Colin Campbell: Matt! (A raging Matt Cooke enters and elbows Bettman in the face)  Gary, I think you need some time in the quiet room!

Matt Cooke: Eh, we'll call him back in before the Celtics/Knicks game starts (both Campbell and Cooke leave the room).

George Bodenheimer: Hmm, I have been hung up on.  Alright, we'll put poker back on ESPN.

Tweeting with NHL General Managers before the playoffs

As you know, the only NHL GM with a real Twitter account is Vancouver Canucks GM Mike Gillis, so don't take any of this seriously...not like you ever take me seriously... Anyway, as the playoffs approach, let's take a look at what NHL GMs have been tweeting to their followers and fans in a non-serious sort of way.  Ignore the 140 character limit...


StillNoCupsSinceColorTV @BurkeysLeafs: Hey, Brian, just wanted to know what you think about next year, and the year after, and the year after now that we're done this year.

BurkeysLeafs @StillNoCupsSinceColorTV: We're very (VERY) optimistic about our organization moving forward.  We have young talent that will propel into the promised land.  Of course, we're still trying to find out what the promised land is...


RozysRangers @DontBlameMeGlen: I'm a little concerned.  We haven't signed a big, expensive FA since '09 and we won't have cap space to sign Richards AND keep Anisimov, Boyle, Callahan and Dubinsky.

DontBlameMeGlen @RozysRangers: Don't worry about the salary cap, I'll get everything under control.  I'll just trade all those guys for Recchi or some other washed up player.


LeafsSuck67 @GauthierNotMcGuire: Hi, Pierre, just wanted to know what you're planning to do once we get killed in the first round.

GauthierNotMcGuire @LeafsSuck67: Riot in the streets, of course!  Just kidding, probably nothing.


IH8Steckel @EastSideMarios: Mr. Shero: Is Sidney Crosby going to be ready for the playoffs?

EastSideMarios @IH8Steckel: If be "playoffs," you mean Stanley Cup Finals Game 7, you're absolutely right.


MiamiFanoftheHeat @ITakeMyJobSeriously: Umm, someone told me there's a hockey team in Miami, so umm, how would I get tickets to such a game?

ITakeMyJobSeriously @MiamiFanoftheHeat: Good question.  Go to Philly.  We have special ticket offers for them there.


Kovaltron17 @JellyJarLou: Lou, have you talked with Zach Parise about a contract extension?

JellyJarLou @Kovaltron17: Everything with Zach is status quo.


TheGr8Eight @GeorgeMcFreeDC: Some of my friends are Penguins fans and they keep talking about winning the Stanley Cup.  Why am I not familiar with this concept?

GeorgeMcFreeDC @TheGr8Eight: Well, you have to win four rounds of the playoffs to do that.  Maybe someday, we'll get there, but first, we have to win one.


BrdStrBullies @AlwaysSunnyinPhilly: Hello, Mr. Holmgren, I was wondering if you could update me on Chris Pronger's status?

AlwaysSunnyinPhilly @BrdStrBullies: Well, he's under investigation as a suspect for stealing 20 pucks from Flyers practice this morning.


LightSabres30 @DarcyfromBuffalo How do you decide which players to keep and which players to let go?

DarcyfromBuffalo @LightSabres30: Well, there's a very detailed formula I use, it's called the How-Crazy-Of-A-Goal-Call-Can-Rick-Jeanneret-Pull-Off-When-He-Scores formula.


RaysBoltsBucs @YzermanRedWings: Who do you think is a better player, Steven Stamkos or Corey Perry?

YzermanRedWings @RaysBoltsBucs: I picked Corey for the Olympic team last year, but the truth is, I've never picked Steven for any of my teams before.


HollywoodHockey @LAmbardi: Dean, since Kopitar and Williams are hurt, how are we going to win in the playoffs???

LAmbardi @HollywoodHockey: Well, there's all those superstars I signed last summer, oh wait, crap, that was NHL 11.


BrentSutter @DarrylSutter: DARRYL?!  WHY DON'T YOU REPLY TO MY TEXTS ANYMORE???

DarrylSutter @BrentSutter: Brent, I left the #Flames, therefore, I don't respond to questions about which player I'm going to sign this summer.


WereStillMighty @BMurray: Who do you think is the best playoff opponent for the #Ducks in the first round?

BMurray @WereStillMighty: I think you confused me with @BobMurray.  I'm the #Sens GM, so the playoffs don't apply to me.


MattCooke24 @BostonPeteParty: Hey, since I'm getting suspended for the first round of the playoffs, I thought I'd watch some #Bruins hockey.  Just saying!

TwitterAlerts @MattCooke24: We're sorry, but @BostonPeteParty has blocked you and does not wish to receive tweets from you.


DonMaloney @BESTNHLCommish: Gary, I put in the deposit for my apartment in Winnipeg.  Keep me posted on the ownership situation.

BESTNHLCommish @DonMaloney: We will not give up on a great hockey market such as the one in Phoenix! 

What is different about the second half New Jersey Devils?

The New Jersey Devils have not had a season in which they lost more games than they won since the 1990-91 season.  They've made the playoffs every year over the past 13 and missed only once (1995-96) since 1988-89.  During that time, they've won three Stanley Cup championships, made it to the finals four times and haven't gone more than five years without making the conference finals...until now.  2003 was the last time the Devils made it to the conference finals.  This season, the team started the season a miserable 10-29-2, last in the NHL, but since, they have gone 20-2-2, and are now within striking distance of (dare I say this) a playoff spot.  In the first half, the team's theme song could have been "Sympathy for the Devil," but now, you're lucky to be "Runnin' with the Devil."  That, in itself, is remarkable, however, there must be an explaination for this incredible turnaround.  DGA investigates.


Differences between the first half and second half of the season for the Devils (from the eyes of a player):

FIRST HALF - Shoot from anywhere, even if it has absolutely no chance to find its way to the net, let alone in it.
SECOND HALF - Who are we kidding?  We don't play Ottawa every night.


FIRST HALF - Our team spent $100 million on Ilya Kovalchuk, let's make him score all the goals for us.
SECOND HALF - Our team spent $100 million on Ilya Kovalchuk, let's make him score all the goals for us.

FIRST HALF - We get booed off the ice every night, but at least our physical safety is not a factor.
SECOND HALF - Damn, I sure hope our fans aren't as creative idiotic as Toronto Maple Leaf fans.

FIRST HALF - Man, I'm tired.  Maybe I'll just take a shift off.  It's not like John MacLean will notice.
SECOND HALF - Mattias Tedenby can't even take a shower, since he can't work up a sweat, because Jacques never lets him play.

FIRST HALF - Johan Hedberg looks just like he did in Atlanta.  No defensive support and he gets lit up every night.
SECOND HALF - Hmm, maybe Martin Brodeur does have it easy in New Jersey...

FIRST HALF - Another loss, another night of crappy officiating.
SECOND HALF - Another win, another night of crappy officiating.

FIRST HALF - The Devils are absolutely terrible with Jamie Langenbrunner.
SECOND HALF - The Dallas Stars are absolutely terrible with Jamie Langenbrunner.

FIRST HALF - John MacLean cancelled practice today.  He probably had to plan his retirement funds a bit earlier than expected.  At least he left us shooting drills to practice.
SECOND HALF - Jacques Lemaire's idea of shooting drills at targets shaped like John MacLean's face are really working well.

FIRST HALF - "Collapsing" is referred to as something the Devils do every spring.
SECOND HALF - "Collapsing" is referred to as a brilliant defensive scheme that most successful teams impliment to win, yet the Devils constantly get accused of ruining hockey by using it.

FIRST HALF - I thought signing Kovalchuk was supposed to help attendance...
SECOND HALF - Why did we have to come all the way out to Long Island for another sold out home game?

FIRST HALF - Uh-oh, Lou Lamoriello mysteriously brought a bag filled with jars of jelly to his office today.
SECOND HALF - Oh, he just legitimately enjoys eating jelly.

FIRST HALF - Wow, if Jamie Langenbrunner is only worth a 3rd round pick...
SECOND HALF - What?  Jason Arnott brought a 2nd round pick back and the guy who knocked Sidney Crosby out during the Winter Classic?

FIRST HALF - Well, at least I can have a longer summer this year.  I better call my buddies on the Panthers (too bad I don't know anyone on the Panthers...) Maple Leafs to find out exactly how that works.
SECOND HALF - Dammit, I might lose my summer plans!  Oh well, I could always retire, since I have pretty much every record a goalie could ever get.

FIRST HALF - You'll give us a 5th round pick for Kovy?  Hmm...
SECOND HALF - Oh, wait, that Kovy?  He's worth a 7th rounder...

FIRST HALF - Is that the same suit John MacLean wore yesterday?
SECOND HALF - Is that the same piece of gum Jacques Lemaire was chewing yesterday?

FIRST HALF - Pierre LeBlond?  What an idiot...
SECOND HALF - Kris Letang forgot to tie his jersey down?  If he only learned from Andrew Peters last year.  See, I knew that Peters guy was useful for something.

FIRST HALF - Still awaiting Anton Volchenkov's first goal as a Devil.  Oh well, he was injured, he'll be fine.
SECOND HALF - Wait, Brett Lebda and Hal Gill scored goals this year?  Gill has...2???

FIRST HALF - Man, this Tedenby kid is fast.  Gionta who?  Stephen?
SECOND HALF - Trevor Gillies had more ice time than Mattias Tedenby last night?

FIRST HALF - I can't believe Matt Cooke has more points than Ilya Kovalchuk.
SECOND HALF - Matt Cooke still has a higher shooting percentage than Kovalchuk...

What you didn't hear on NHL Trade Deadline Day

Penner, Richards, Vokoun, Arnott, even John Mitchell, were all either traded or rumored to be traded on 2011 NHL Trade Deadline Day, plus many more. While just over a dozen trades actually registered today, there are plenty of deals that just never worked out. As you know, I was able to obtain a script of certain phone calls that were made throughout the day. Take a look.

RANGERS-STARS:

Glen Sather --> Joe Nieuwendyk - 4:49 AM: Hey Joe, I guess you're still asleep. Anyway, get back to me ASAP! I think I have a deal that you can't refuse for Brad Richards!

Joe Nieuwendyk --> Glen Sather - 6:07 AM: Dammit, Glen, do you ever sleep?

Glen Sather: Nope, neither does my city!

Joe Nieuwendyk: Anyway, what are you willing to give me for Brad?

Glen Sather: Well, since he is injured right now and is a free agent at the end of the year, I'd be willing to send one of my highly regarded minor league defensemen and a 1st round pick to Dallas.

Joe Nieuwendyk: Glen, we've talked about this before, Wade Redden doesn't count as a highly regarded minor league defenseman.


CANUCKS-ISLANDERS

Garth Snow (6:47 AM): G'mornin' Mike!

Mike Gillis: Hey, Garth.

Garth Snow: Hey, look, I was interested in trading for Alex Burrows, and...

Mike Gillis: For the 100th time, I already have one goalie with a massive contract, I'm not interested in another.

Garth Snow: Hmm, maybe you're right. Oh, actually, Stephane Auger is officiating a bunch of our games coming up, so maybe it's not a good idea.


DEVILS-KINGS

Dean Lombardi (7:18AM): Hey, Lou, any chance you'll budge on Ilya?

Lou Lamoriello: Not a chance, besides, even if I did trade him, the league would probably reject the trade and fine me more draft picks. I'm really not interested in going to arbitration again.

Dean Lombardi: Fine. Fair enough. How's your trade deadline day going so far?

Lou Lamoriello: Status Quo. You want Jason Arnott? ... Dean? ... Dean??


LEAFS-BRUINS

Peter Chiarelli (8:29 AM): Hey, Brian, you've been of great service to me over the past couple of years, maybe you'll want to help me again?

Brian Burke: Sure, Pete, what's up?

Peter Chiarelli: Well, I have this defenseman, his name is Tomas Kaberle, maybe you've heard the name before. Anyway, he hasn't been great with us, but I'm sure he'd fit right into your Leafs team.

Brian Burke: Interesting...

Peter Chiarelli: Yeah, so what do you think? Two first rounders and maybe, hmm, Phil Kessel in return?

Brian Burke: No. I've done that before. People haven't forgiven me.

Peter Chiarelli: Dammit. (in background:) "Guys, he didn't fall for it."


PENGUINS-CAPITALS

George McPhee (9:55 AM): Hey, Ray, I don't suppose you want to do the Crosby for Ovechkin trade this year, do you?

Ray Shero: Nah, maybe next year.

George McPhee: Okay, sounds great. Crap, I think I see Pierre McGuire spying on me. Gotta run.


CANADIENS-OILERS

Pierre Gauthier (10:03 AM): Steve, I think I really have something you'll like.

Steve Tambellini: Okay, shoot.

Pierre Gauthier: How about Dustin Penner for Ben Maxwell and Maxim Lapierre?

Steve Tambellini: Pierre, you traded both of those guys already.

Pierre Gauthier: Oh. Hang on, let me call Don Cherry and see what he says.

Steve Tambellini: Pierre, who are you kidding, you won't make a trade if it was the last thing you did...Pierre?

Pierre Gauthier (1:27 PM): Man, that Don Cherry, he loves to talk...


BLACKHAWKS-SENATORS

Stan Bowman: Hey, Bryan, I like this Campoli guy. What'll he cost me?

Bryan Murray: Eh, couple draft picks.

Stan Bowman: Hmm, I'll give you three 10th round draft picks.

Bryan Murray: Okay, it's a deal.

Stan Bowman: Umm, I'm not sure if I should tell you, but there's no 10th round.

Bryan Murray: Oh. Well, maybe just a 7th round pick. You know, we like to pile up on 7th round draft picks.


LEAFS-SHARKS

Brian Burke to himself (2:59 PM): Ugh. I need to make at least one trade today. But who? YES! I know, I'll trade for Kyle Wellwood! Let me call his agent!

Wellwood's agent: Hey, Brian, what's up?

Brian Burke: Where's Kyle? I want to bring him back to Toronto.

Wellwood's agent: Well, he's actually out eating with his friends over at Burger King. He's been there since last night. Should I have him call you back?

Brian Burke: No, it's 3 PM, it's too late.


STARS-BRUINS

Peter Chiarelli (3:16 PM): Hey, Joe, just kicking the tires on Brad. Guess you didn't get a good offer for him. I was wondering what you think it would take to land him and sneak a last deal in?

Joe Nieuwendyk: A lot.

Peter Chiarelli: Prospect and a 1st rounder?

Joe Nieuwendyk: More.

Peter Chiarelli: Chara?

Joe Nieuwendyk: More. I mean, a LOT more.

Peter Chiarelli: You don't mean...

Joe Nieuwendyk: Yes. I want Gregory Campbell.

Peter Chiarelli: Forget it.

Problems with the Caps-Pens rivalry

If you catch a rare ESPN segment where they talk about hockey, Pittsburgh and Washington are probably the featured teams. Washington, Pittsburgh; Pittsburgh, Washington. Sometimes, listening to Barry Melrose talking about Crosby and Ovechkin just makes you want to pull off that ridiculous hair of his and lend it to Pierre McGuire, because of the obnoxious glare you see on TV with the arena lights shining on his head (thanks to @retroguy777, I may have borrowed that). Either way, here's a list of problems with the Washington-Pittsburgh rivalry.

ESPN - Anytime ESPN says something about hockey, assume the opposite. Here, they say the Caps-Pens rivalry is the league's best.

Scandals - Usually, a crazy game or playoff series occurs, which brews a rivalry, sometimes involving officials. In this rivalry, Pittsburgh wins because the scandal with always go one way.

Lop-sided results - The Caps have owned Pittsburgh for much of the regular season recently. The playoffs do balance that, however.

All about the stars - Let's face it, the rivalry would be nothing without Crosby and Ovechkin. Now, if, say, Matt Cooke were to brutally knock out a Cap or John Erskine were to wickedly own a Penguin in a fight, then there'd be something to look forward to.

Mario Lemieux - If you listen to Mario and league keeps handling situations the way they do, he's selling the Penguins, which naturally leads to bankruptcy and the relocation of the franchise, thus destroying the rivalry. Um, Gary, this is where you step in and fix everything...

Relevance - Just because they're the only two teams in hockey not in Chicago doesn't mean they hate each other.

Divisions - Although they both used to play in the Patrick division, they are in seperate divisions now. Washington gets to play in huge hockey markets, such as Atlanta and Miami.

HOW TO MAKE IT A RIVALRY:

- Back in the 1970s and 1980s, teams would just start brawls with each other. To avoid having the entire roster of a team suspended and relying on minor leaguers, the teams should avoid this, unless you're like Pittsburgh and you already have a minor league roster on your NHL team, then you really need to be careful.

- The Pittsburgh Penguins badly need a superstar on their team. Right now, Alex Ovechkin is the only relevant player in the rivalry. Too bad Pittsburgh doesn't have one of those...

- You can't just create a rivalry because it amuses Gary Bettman, it needs to develop over time. They've met in the playoffs once, if they do again, two things will be certain: a) The rivalry will become more intense and b) Washington won't play anyone else that season after that series.

- There needs to be bad blood, not just from the seats, but from the people involved with the teams. It's a shame neither team has an owner willing to openly come out and criticize things...

- Not only is the rivalry lop-sided, but if you take the two stars, Crosby and Ovechkin, their facial-hair-growing-ability is as well. If you averaged them together, you'd probably come up with two average human beings.

- To make this the best rivalry in the NHL, the easiest thing for Gary Bettman to do is simply get rid of the Original Six.

- For fans' amusement, Mike Milbury should coach one of the teams and Pierre McGuire should coach the other. Pierre would only have to move over twenty feet from where he already stands and annoys players.

- If they listen to me about the Milbury/McGuire one, make sure everyone brings extra Tylenol.