LEAKED: Martin Brodeur's #30 Number Retirement Speech

Here at Down Goes Avery, I used to have exclusive access to several top secret documents and confidential information surrounding the Devils and the NHL.  It's been a while, but with Martin Brodeur Night quickly approaching, I decided I should deploy my top agents and find a transcript of Marty's speech.  Low and behold, my agents did not let me down and I am posting the speech for all of you to read.*

*Disclaimer: None of this should be taken too seriously.

Martin Brodeur, pictured above, holds several New Jersey Devils franchise records,
including most wins by a goaltender to leave the team via free agency.
Photo credit: MoreThanAFan.net

NEW JERSEY DEVILS vs. EDMONTON OILERS -- February 9th, 2016

My Jersey Retirement Speech - Final Draft

First of all, thank you fans and to the New Jersey Devils organization for honoring me on this monumental night, even though I didn’t recognize anyone in the front office when I walked in here this morning.   I also want to thank the St. Louis Blues for letting me take the night off.  There comes a point in every player’s career where he realizes it’s time to retire; luckily for me, I only realized it two years late.  There have been times when I regret retiring, including last weekend, when I realized that I had more points than some of this year’s All-Stars, but for the most part, I am enjoying my new life.  It took some time adjusting to my new role, especially every time we get a new delivery of pucks to the arena, I have to remind myself not to stop them, and also not having 17,000 people shouting your name every night, but hey, sometimes Doug Armstrong shouting at me can be louder than 17,000 people!

Stanley Cup Finals PREVIEW: NJ Devils vs. LA Kings

Read on for my Devils-Flyers Kings Stanley Cup Finals preview.

Well, here we are, seven weeks into the NHL playoffs.  It's Memorial Day weekend and the Devils are still playing hockey.  I don't think either team's fan base truly expected to be here right now, but hey, I'm not complaining.

How they got there:

If you're a Devils fan, you know the story by now.  Peter DeBoer was hired by Lou Lamoriello to help the Devils "evolve" into a more aggressive offensive team and have a chance to win the franchise's fourth Stanley Cup championship.  There were growing pains early on, and the team battled several key injuries throughout the season, but the Devils surged out of the All-Star break and finished the regular season on a six-game winning streak.

The Devils battled hard and squeezed out of the first round against Florida in the second overtime of the series' seventh game.  After few thought the Devils would stand any chance against the "mighty" Flyers, they simply destroyed the Flyers in every part of the game and knocked them out in five games.  The Rangers presented a more difficult task, but the Devils eventually got to Henrik Lundqvist and the shot-blocking Rangers' defensemen and eliminated the East's top seeded team 63 seconds into overtime in Game 6.

With heroics from Adam Henrique in rounds one and three, the Devils advance to their fifth Stanley Cup Final in franchise history and first since 2003, when they beat Anaheim in seven games.  Four more wins would give the Devils their fourth Stanley Cup championship since the spring of 1995.

By the way, have I mentioned how awesome this moment is yet?

*****

Beast of the East: NJ Devils 2011-12 Timeline

"Ask Lundqvist if he'd like to join us.  No really!"

Last week, I broke down the LA Kings' 2011-12 season to date, and now, we know who they'll face in the Stanley Cup Finals: the New Jersey Devils.  Of course, this means I will be able to provide a completely neutral post with absolutely no bias whatsoever.  ...  Okay, seriously, stop laughing at me.


So how did the 2011-12 Devils come to be?  Here's a look back:

April 12th, 2011: Despite just a 3.6% chance to win the Draft Lottery, the Devils win the lottery and move up to 4th in the draft order.  Gary Bettman immediately fires everyone who planned the draft lottery in rage.

June 24th: The Devils draft Adam Larsson with the 4th overall pick.  Ten minutes later, Larsson realizes his Twitter account is now history.

July 19th: Lou Lamoriello is mocked by the entire world for hiring the recently fired Panthers coach, Peter DeBoer, because obviously not hiring a "trap" defensive coach turned out to be a huge mistake.

July 20th: In a bizarre unforeseen turn of events, Lou Lamoriello does not fire DeBoer the day after hiring him.

July 28th: The Devils trade Brian Rolston and his humongous contract to the Islanders for Trent Hunter.

August 1st: The Devils waive Colin White...and Trent Hunter.

Top 10 Video Special - Devils moments in the Eastern Conference Finals

As we continue to wait for the start of the 2012 Eastern Conference Finals between the Devils and...someone, I decided to take my ten favorite Devils moments from their six previous Conference Finals appearances and put together the 18th edition of the DGA Top 10 Video Special.


#10 - "Have another doughnut"

The Devils were in the midst of their first ever playoff appearance in the spring of 1988.  After barely making the playoffs on the regular season's final day, the Devils won two rounds and found themselves in the Conference Finals against the Boston Bruins.  Game 3 didn't go so well for the Devils, but this is still one of the most memorable moments in franchise history, courtesy of Jim Schoenfeld.

#9 - "We're the DEVILS!!!"

This moment didn't occur on the ice, but it's a famous moment nonetheless.  During the 1994 Conference Finals, Seinfeld featured Elaine's boyfriend David Puddy decked out in Devils gear, and he properly ticked off his Ranger fan friends.

#8 - Claude Lemieux's 43728th goal of the series

Well, I exaggerated a bit, but Claude Lemieux had arguably the best single playoff season of any Devil in history.  With the Devils and Flyers tied in the series and Game 5 late in the third period, Lemieux beat Ron Hextall five-hole.  A Devil beat a Flyers goalie five-hole...I guess some things never change.

Top 10 Video Special - The 10 Greatest Individual Seasons in Devils History

Ilya Kovalchuk's unbelievable season thus far got me thinking about Devils of the past.  Sure, we all know that no Devil has ever reached 50 goals or 100 points in a single season, but what about the greatest individual seasons that have occured?  I put together a list of my Top 10, with a small sample of their excellence from either that season or a season close to it.  Here's what I came up with.  It's the 16th DGA Top 10 Special in the history of DGA.


#10 - KIRK MULLER: 1987-88 (80 games, 37 goals, 57 assists, 94 points, 114 penalty minutes)

Before Zach Parise, the Devils had another American-born captain that wore #9.  Kirk Muller registered a career-high 94 points in 1987-88 (which is also Parise's career-high in points to date), and helped lead the Devils to their first-ever playoff birth in the spring of 1988.

#9 - JOHN MACLEAN: 1989-90 (80 games, 41 goals, 38 assists, 79 points, 11 game-winning goals)

1989-90 wasn't MacLean's best offensive season, although it was his second of three consecutive 40-goal seasons.  But having used Muller's 1987-88 season, I needed an excuse to show MacLean's goal that sent the Devils to the playoffs for the first time in 1988.  Also, MacLean set the Devils record with 11 game-winning goals in 1989-90.  Since I couldn't find a goal from that season, enjoy this one.

#8 - SCOTT GOMEZ: 2005-06 (82 games, 33 goals, 51 assists, 84 points, 244 shots on goal)

Although 2005-06 will be remembered for Brian Gionta's epic season, it's fair to say that Gio doesn't score 48 goals without the help of his center, Scott Gomez.  This was the prime of the EGG line, and coming out of the lockout, it was the line that carried the Devils through a 15-game winning streak at the end of the regular season and past the Rangers in round 1 of the playoffs.  Also, this is proof that Scott Gomez hasn't always been useless.

Comparing the Devils start from this season to last season

Besides the obvious (the Devils have two more wins than at this point one year ago), the Devils are off to a much better start than last season.  If you don't believe me, and even if you do, just see below for proof.


Last season: Ilya Kovalchuk thinks he's set up for a breakaway pass, but then realizes that he's in the defensive zone while the play is at the other end of the rink.
This season: Ilya Kovalchuk has fixed the play in the other end of the rink part, but he's taking shots at his own goalies now.


Last season: The Devils tried everything last season: getting blown out, not scoring and blowing two-goal leads.
This season: So far, the not scoring is still a problem and they haven't yet had a two-goal lead...to blow.


Last season: The Devils cleared a roster spot to call up a forward to replace healthy scratch Ilya Kovalchuk.
This season: Adam Henrique was just sent down to Albany, which clears a roster spot for.......oh please, not again.


Last season: John MacLean had the team work extremely hard in practice, in the sense that renting a party bus for the night is hard work.
This season: Peter DeBoer is working much harder than MacLean, such as trying to figure out how long Cam Janssen will last on the ice without being called into Brendan Shanahan's office.


Last season: Johan Hedberg pulls to within 610 wins on the Devils' all-time goaltender wins list.
This season: With his opening night loss to the Flyers, Martin Brodeur pulled to within one loss of the all-time goaltender loss record.


Last season: Mattias Tedenby is thought of by some Devils fans as the Swedish Prodigy, but obviously not by Jacques Lemaire.
This season: Tedenby is stripped of that title, as Adam Larsson is now the Swedish Prodigy.  As for Jacques Lemaire, well he's retired......for the time being.


Last season: In his usual hatred for the Devils, Scott Burnside predicted that this would be Zach Parise's final season as a Devil.
This season: Okay, well some things haven't changed since last season........


Last season: The coach gave Ilya Kovalchuk a lot of ice time late in the season because he scored a lot.
This season: The coach is giving David Clarkson a lot of ice time because he falls a lot.


Last season: "Let's throw that out" was John MacLean's favorite saying after a blowout loss.
This season: "Let's throw that out" is Peter DeBoer's way of saying that he wasn't happy with someone's shift.


Last season: Nine Devils scored their first career goals, which accounted for nearly half the team's goals last season.
This season: Adam Larsson will eventually score his first career goal, and his ice time accounts for half the game.

Exclusive: Dialog from Devils' 2010 Christmas party

Every year, GM Lou Lamoriello and Devils management hosts a Christmas party that the entire team is invited to. This year, unlike most of the past two decades, the Devils are not a playoff team and in no way looking back on 2010 with good memories. With that said, there were interesting conversations that took place during the party. Take a look:

*Location: Devils' practice facility, AmeriHealth Pavilion, next to Prudential Center

Lou Lamoriello: On behalf on the New Jersey Devils, I would like to welcome you to the annual Devils Christmas party! (*hears crash in background*) As you know, we are proud to be a part of this hockey team! (*hears another crash*) For some of you, this is your first Devils Christmas party, and for others, it may be your last (*hears another crash*)...What the HELL is that??

Martin Brodeur: umm, Lou, some of the players are slipping and falling. Why did you host the party here on the ice at our practice facility?

Lou Lamoriello: I think you know very well why (*turns to Ilya Kovalchuk*).

Ilya Kovalchuk: What, me???

Lou Lamoriello: When we got handed the $3 million fine by the league, we knew we would have some budget cuts to make. (*hears another noise, and a near-fight break out*) MARTY!

Martin Brodeur: What? (*all Devils defensemen laying down on the ice holding certain parts of their bodies in pain*) I didn't do anything...

Lou Lamoriello: Anyway, umm, I am now going to recite my annual Christmas speech to you guys! (*veterans roll eyes*)

It is my honor to be part of such a proud organization that has a rich history of winning at the highest level. As you know, this season is status quo and another season that we are en route to our pursuit of our fourth Stanley Cup championship. I have been a part of this organization for...umm, well a long time, and this is the most talented group of guys I've seen yet, and...

Martin Brodeur: LOU!!!

Lou Lamoriello: Yes, Marty?

Martin Brodeur: That's the same speech you've been reading to us since 2003.

Lou Lamoriello: It is? (*checks date*) (mumbles: December 25th, 2003.) Oh, you're right, how about that? Give me one second (*shuffles through papers*), Here we go!

Dear Mr. Commissioner Gettman, ahem, Brettman, umm, Bettman! That's it! I know you and I haven't really gotten along for the better part of our careers, but I have presented a unique proposal to you. As you know, we had a rough summer trying to sign Ilya Kovalchuk to a ridiculous contract I would never have signed had I not been forced to under the watchful eyes of my owner, Jeff Vanderbeek, but I wanted to know if you would give us a refund...a re-refund...oops.

Ilya Kovalchuk: Zat ees what you sink of me??

(*Chico Resch walks in*) Chico Resch: Hey guys, sorry I'm late, I was...well it's not like I was at the Islanders Christmas party or anything! What did I miss? (*slips on ice and falls*)

Mattias Tedenby (in Swedish): (*to Henrik Tallinder, Johan Hedberg and Jacob Josefson) I'm thinking we should get the hell out of here.

Henrik Tallinder: Yeah, good idea. I'll drive. (*four Swedish players sneak out back door*)

Stan Fischler (*walking in late*): Hey, everybody. Guess what? The Rangers just gave all their players these beaut-ee-ful sweaters, look at them (*holds up sweater with FISCHLER written on back*)!

Lou Lamoriello: Now, now, Stan, you know I banned you from being on air on TV because of your bad PR, let's not start now.

Stan Fischler: You did? Huh, I didn't realize that.

Chico Resch: Can you guys hurry up, I'm really hungry!

Martin Brodeur: That makes two of us!

Lou Lamoriello: Okay, calm down guys. You know what we have to do before we eat, right?

Anton Volchenkov: Let me guess, hit everyone as hard as you can!

Lou Lamoriello: Well, not exactly.

Anton Volchenkov: YESS!!! (*goes and hip-checks David Clarkson, then knocks Colin White into boards*)

Lou Lamoriello: Anton! (*Volchenkov stops and looks at Lou*) Now, I want to go in a line, starting with the captains, and state one thing you're thankful for this past season. Jamie, we start with you.

Jamie Langenbrunner: umm, it's the last year of my contract!

Lou Lamoriello: That's very nice. Jamie, you pick the next player.

Jamie Langenbrunner: umm, Greeney, go.

Andy Greene: I'm with Jamie. Last year of my contract.

Lou Lamoriello: That's awfully nice. How about we go to Patty. You've been quiet tonight.

Patrik Elias: I am thankful that I got to represent my country in the Olympics!

Lou Lamoriello: Very good, very good! Now...(*hears banging on facility door. Turns to see an angry John MacLean banging on the door*) how about we go to...Ilya!

Ilya Kovalchuk: I em thankful zat I get zis few days off to be with my family.

(*Lou hears MacLean still banging on the window.*) Lou Lamoriello: Can someone tell John that he's not coaching here anymore?

Jacques Lemaire: Let him in, it's alright with me.

Lou Lamoriello: Well it's not alright with ME!

Jacques Lemaire: Let the man in!

Lou Lamoriello: You know what, you're FIRED!

Jamie Langenbrunner: YES!!!

Jason Arnott (*to himself*): Why exactly did I want to come back here?

Jacques Lemaire: Fine, I never wanted to come back. (*storms out door*)

Lou Lamoriello: (*heads to door*) Come on in, Johnny! Guess what, you're our new coach!

John MacLean: Again??

Lou Lamoriello: Yeah, isn't that great?

John MacLean: Actually, I just wanted to show you guys what the Rangers are giving their alumni at their Christmas party (*holds up sweater similar to Fischler's*)

Lou Lamoriello: Yeah, we know. Okay, that's it. I'm coaching this team. (*John MacLean leaves*)

*At this point, most of the Devils players are sitting on the ice looking around for food.

Zach Parise: Lou, can we please get some food here?

Lou Lamoriello: Players on IR eat last, you should know that. Oh, actually, you've never been on IR. I got that idea from Garth Snow. He makes Rick DiPietro eat last every year!

Zach Parise: (*turns to Zajac*) He thinks I'm re-signing here for nothing, too. Why don't you ask for a trade. I'll sign wherever you go.

Travis Zajac: Sure thing. My agent and I were looking at houses in Denver.

Zach Parise: Hmm, that would be fun. Paul Stastny is a good American.

Travis Zajac: Or we could go to LA.

Zach Parise: Even better!

Lou Lamoriello: Okay, rookies eat first! (*looks around*) Hey, where'd the rookies go? Where's Tedenby? Where's Josefson?

Martin Brodeur (*turns to rest of team*): This could get ugly. (*Anton Volchenkov lightly punches White in back again*)

Chris Pronger (*walks in*): Hey guys (*shoves large piece of steak in his mouth*), what's up?

Zach Parise: Oh no! (*hides*)

Chris Pronger: The, uh, food over at the Flyers Christmas party...really good stuff!!

Martin Brodeur: Really??

Chris Pronger: Sure is! Nieds and I just left there.

Lou Lamoriello: Scott Niedermayer?

Chris Pronger: Yeah! Practically the whole Canadian Olympic team was there!

Martin Brodeur: Wait, why didn't they call me?

Chris Pronger: Well, you know...anyway, I'll see you later, guys! (*stuffs more food into mouth and leaves*)

Martin Brodeur: Lou, where's the food?

Lou Lamoriello: (*checks watch*) Don't worry, everything is status quo! (*turns to Jeff Vanderbeek*) Dammit, we're not retiring Niedermayer's number!

Jeff Vanderbeek: Please, Lou, please! I need to sell out at least one more game this year!

Lou Lamoriello: Fine. (*takes out phone and dials number*) Hi, Jacques? Yeah, you're hired again. (*hangs up*)

Sean Avery (*enters room in new modeling clothes*): Hey, do you guys know where Stan Fischler went? He left right before his turn at the karaoke came!

Stan Fischler: Here we go! (*runs for exit and leaves*)

Sean Avery: Oh, okay, haven't seen him? It's okay, we'll find him! (*waves at Martin Brodeur*) Oh, by the way, did you know if I was on the Devils, I'd be 4th in points! 4th!!! AND I lead the league in penalty minutes! (*Leaves*)

Lou Lamoriello: Anyway, that's all the time we have for tonight, thanks for coming and we'll see you at practice on the 26th!

Martin Brodeur: Ugh... (*looks outside and sees Gary Bettman drive by and waves at Marty*) I swear I saw Sidney Crosby in that car...

Chico Resch: I'm going back to the Islanders party, I'm starving!

Ilya Kovalchuk: I miss zee Thrashers!

Lou Lamoriello (*picks up phone*): Oh, just got invited to board of governors Christmas party! See ya, guys! If any alumni come, they're welcome to the food.

Chico Resch (*turns around*): Food???

What should the New Jersey Devils get for Christmas?

Well, we know what a lot of players have been asking Santa Claus for this Christmas, and that's a trade out of New Jersey. Many won't say it publicly, but why would they? This is 2010 (almost 2011) and the media is pointless if you're trying to get anything out of players...then again, so was ex-Devils coach John MacLean...

Anyway, here's my list of Christmas gifts I would be handing out to the Devils today and tomorrow. Hope you enjoy.

Pierre-Luc LeBlond - I'll start with PL3, whose NHL season lasted less than two games after he got ejected from the Washington game on the season's second night and was suspended, placed on waivers and never to be heard from again.
His gift: more bus tickets, because he'll sure need them.

Zach Parise - Reports this morning say he could be done for the year, but seriously, it doesn't matter at this point. He's got restricted free agency looming, and this guy needs to stay. He's the captain of this team next season.
His gift[s]: First, a Ruslan Fedetenko bobblehead, because he says on the side, he truly hates him. Second, I would give him a brand new Sharpie, a red one, so he can sign his name on a new contract with the Devils.

Jason Arnott - Jason Arnott deserves better than this. His former team, the Nashville Predators is having a great season, and his new/old team is in the basement of the league. Arnott, however, leads the Devils in goals. That doesn't mean anything, considering he's the only Devil on pace for 25 goals right now.
His gift: a lollypop. Lollypops make everything better. Maybe a new shotgun. He's a hunter. Just keep him out of the locker room with it...for many reasons.

Colin White - I could be crazy here, but Colin White has probably been the Devils' best defenseman game in and game out this year. Still, he's one of many that could be shipped out by March.
His gift: A vacation to either Colorado, Toronto, Tampa Bay, or another city that could be a good trade destination.

Johan Hedberg - Johan "Moose" Hedberg has been a bright spot this season, but you wouldn't know that because he never gets played anymore. His 3.07 goals against average is misleading, but it's still better than the Devils' starting goalie. Is there a goalie controversy in New Jersey?
His gift: a warrior helmet. He wasn't supposed to keep losing AFTER he left Atlanta...

Mattias Tedenby - He and fellow Swede Hedberg have been shining stars in the demise of the Devils this year. Former first rounder has shown why he should have been drafted higher.
His gift: Fake teeth, because he needs them, and keys to the city.

Andy Greene - Well, the past two seasons have been a roller coaster for Greene. He's had career years both ways, one good, one horrible. His personal goal should be to not finish the year at a -20 rating.
His gift: A new head coach, maybe a guy like Jacques Lemaire...oh well isn't he in luck?

Jamie Langenbrunner - Ah, yes, oh captain my captain. A year ago, he was coming off of his best offensive season ever and en route to captaincy for the U.S. Olympic hockey team. This year, he's come back down to Earth in a big way.
His gift: A box of tissues and a Jacques Lemaire bobblehead. Maybe a can of paint too. Lemaire and Langenbrunner don't exactly see eye-to-eye, and it's not because one is really short, either.

Patrik Elias - Still leads his team in points. All-time. Actually this year and all-time.
His gift: Diapers. Not because he's a crybaby, he's not, but because his wife recently gave birth.

Martin Brodeur - The winningest goalie of all-time is approaching George Hainsworth's record for most all-time losses. For this season, anyway, he might break the single-season loss record for a goalie. He's not getting old at all, though.
His gift: Bigger pads. Much bigger pads and maybe a couch. He'll need them for the beer league he'll be in shortly. Maybe he could also use a head start on that 401K?

Ilya Kovalchuk - Oh, boy, where do we start with Kovy? Maybe the new year will bring new luck to Kovalchuk. One can only hope, at least.
His gift: a copy of NHL 11. He can play as himself and learn how to score again.

Lou Lamoriello - The past six months or so have been a humbling experience for Lou. Usuaully, if Lou wants something, Lou gets it. Nothing has been easy for him lately.
His gift: A Staples Easy Button and/or a "Mulligan" button.

John MacLean - Finally, we get to John MacLean, the former coach of this team. His tenure was an absolute nightmare, but luckily for everyone, it is over.
His gift: a brown paper bag and a check from the unemployment agency.

Any other NJ Devil either deserves coal or nothing. Seriously, what would you give them?

Maybe the team needs a ladder or something, because they all fell head first into the basement.

*Happy holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's to all readers. Be sure to follow Down Goes Avery so you never miss a post! Also, remember to follow me on Twitter (@DownGoesAvery). Next post will be close to or past New Year's.