Every year, the NHL hosts a top secret Halloween party at an unknown catering hall in New York City. Why NYC? Because Gary Bettman lives nearby and whatever he wants...happens. Through some hard work and research, I was able to find out where the party was this year, and well, here's what happened.
Gary Bettman (dressed as Mario Lemieux): Good evening, everyone, I'd like to welcome you to the NHL's annual Halloween Party. I'd like to especially welcome all of the rookies and first-timers here tonight. We have an open bar, so enjoy everyone!
*Gabriel Landeskog, Jeff Skinner, Adam Larsson, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins and many other under-21 players run over to the open bar, only to be escorted into a small private room with Brendan Shanahan.
Brian Burke (dressed as a wizard): Evening, Pete. How's it going?
Peter Chiarelli (dressed as a bear): It's going well, Brian, and you? (*flashes Burke his Stanley Cup ring*)
Brian Burke: Good. Glad to hear that. You know...
Peter Chiarelli (interrupts): Yes, I know, Phil Kessel leads the league in goal scoring. (Burke smiles) But I have a ring.
Sean Avery (dressed as a clown) - (interrupts both Burke and Chiarelli): Hey guys. Wanna put a claim in for me? (Chiarelli and Burke stare at each other, and awkwardly walk away.)
Rick DiPietro (dressed as a hockey goalie): Hey Jack, how are you?
Jack Capuano (dressed as Mets pitcher Chris Capuano): Doing well, Ricky. *Shakes DiPietro's hand.*
Rick DiPietro: Owwww!! *Falls to the ground in pain.*
Jack Capuano: *Calls across the room* Garth, Rick is done for the season!
Jeff Skinner (dressed as Giants pitcher Brian Wilson): Come here, guys, I found a secret entrance to the bar! *Skinner leads the under-21 players into the bar and pours them drinks.
Andrew Ladd: (to his Jets teammates): Who is that guy over at the buffet? That's not.......oh no. *walks over to buffet table.* Kyle, how much food can you possibly eat?
Kyle Wellwood (dressed as Santa Claus): Hey, I'm just trying to be authentic...
Alex Ovechkin (dressed as Superman): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Chris Pronger (dressed as a boxer): Shutup! *Elbows Ovechkin to the ground.*
Alex Ovechkin: Hey, Chris, look at what that guy wrote on my Twitter!
Brendan Shanahan (dressed as a traffic cop): Hey, Pronger, Gary told me to keep a close eye on you tonight.
Chris Pronger: Dammit. *Shrugs shoulders and heads to the penalty room.*
Brendan Shanahan: Pronger, keep an eye on the kids in there.
Pavel Datsyuk: *Walks around the room stealing everyone's drinks.* Here you go, Nik.
Nikolai Khabibulin: Thanks, Pavel. You're so good at playing your role in real life.
Dany Heatley (sitting at a table with his teammates): Hey, can someone get me a drink? I'm too lazy to get it myself.
Ilya Bryzgalov (dressed as a hunter in the woods): Hey bartender, can I get a refill?
Bartender: Sure. *Slides a shot glass down the front of the bar, Bryzgalov misses it and it falls off the edge of the bar.*
Jonathan Quick: Look out! *Sprints over to the bar and dives to catch the shot glass.*
Ilya Bryzgalov: Nice save, Quick.
*Suddenly, someone dressed as Roadrunner from Looney Tunes races across the room.*
Rick DiPietro (still on the floor): Was that Grabs?
Glen Sather (dressed as Michael Swenson, who was one of the members of Goldman Sachs blamed for poor investment decisions): Damn, I have to sign that Grabner kid.
Gary Bettman: Glen, you're not tampering with anyone, are you? You know we have integrity in this league, right?
Zach Parise: Hey Gary, he was talking to me too.
Shea Weber: Me too!
Gary Bettman: Does anyone feel the ground shaking? *Ground shakes.*
Zdeno Chara (dressed as the Hulk): Sorry I'm late.
Brian Burke: Mike, go make yourself useful.
Mike Komisarek: Sorry, Brian, I don't think I can do that.
Ron Wilson: Ha, he got that right...
Bruce Boudreau (dressed as Eminem): *Slams his foot on a chair.* What the @#$%? This &!@#$% chair, oh @!#$.
Paul Bissonnette (dressed as Dan Carcillo): Hey Danny, did you see this costume? *Shows Dan Carcillo (dressed as Paul Bissonnette) his cell phone.*
*Avery approaches BizNasty and Carcillo, and they eventually start a brawl, destroying everything in sight.
Chris Pronger: Hey, I want a part of this! *Jumps on top of Avery.*
Brendan Shanahan: *Blows referee whistle.* Hey, Pronger, get back in there!
Paul Holmgren: I think I'll claim that Avery guy.
Scott Hartnell: No, please, no! *Hartnell falls.* Dammit.
Gary Bettman: Okay, this is out of hand. Party's over.
Zdeno Chara: Aww, c'mon, we haven't had dessert yet.
Kyle Wellwood: Say what??
Gary Bettman: O-o-okay, Z-zdeno, we'll have dessert. *Sweating as he looks up at Chara.*
Showing posts with label Kyle Wellwood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kyle Wellwood. Show all posts
Monday, October 31, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
What can the NHL do to prevent 'dirty' hits?
Brendan Shanahan has had plenty of opportunity to exercise the power that his new position offers this pre-season, as Brad Staubitz, Jody Shelley, James Wisniewski and many others have already been suspended for illegal hits this pre-season. Well, suspensions are fine, but the bottom line is that these type of hits are still occuring in the NHL on a regular basis. I've come up with some options (and hi-tech gadgets) the league could have to eliminate dirty hits completely.
Option 1: Immediate payback - NHL jerseys are kind of boring. They're not hi-tech or anything. Well, here's the solution: install electronic springs into the back of players' jerseys with boxing gloves attached to the end of them. That way, as a player approaches another player and makes contact, the player's jersey that is being hit senses the illegal contact and releases the spring, which then punches the hitting player in the face and wipes him out. Problem solved.
Option 2: Multi-functional helmets - For those who might think the punching gloves are a bit "extreme," how about helmets that have rear-view mirrors? Just as cars have rear-view mirrors to help drivers get out of the way of lunatics, NHL players' helmets should have rear-view mirrors so that they have time to react before they get drilled. Players will be able to get out of the way just before the charging player flies into the boards and completely misses the targeted player.
Option 3: Warning signs - Another formidable possibility is for numbers on the back of NHL players' jerseys to be replaced by a digital monitor that detects how hard a player is charging the targeted player from behind. After it has detected the force of impact and potential injury to the targeted player, a number will appear on the digital monitor, which will indicate the number of games that he will be suspended following the hit. This all happens in less than half a second.
Option 4: Spandex torture - If the previous gadgets don't work out as planned, there is still hope. After a player has distributed an illegal hit and is facing a possible suspension, the player will be summoned to wear green spandex suits and dance around the visiting players' penalty box during upcoming games. This is how the Vancouver Green Men were formed.*
*Not factually accurate.
Option 5: Hot pursuit - If the NHL wants to go with an intimidating approach to eliminating hits rather than embarrassing, as the spandex suits could be, here is the preferred option. After the ensuing period has concluded following the dirty or questionable hit, have the player stand facing center ice and then release the zamboni and have it chase the player around the rink until the ice is cleaned. This provides the zamboni driver with a more entertaining job. Note: This only works if the guilty player's last name is not Grabner.
Option 6: National pride - This option only works if the player is not a good public speaker/singer. Before the game following a questionable or illegal hit, the arena should arrange for guilty player to sing the national anthem[s]. This can also save the arena money on hiring a singer, which is timely because so many NHL franchises are bankrupt or close to bankruptcy. Also a good idea: the home team should make that night "earplug giveaway night" in order to keep fans' ears functional afterwards.
Option 7: Reverse steroids - Steroids make people stronger, which makes them more of a threat on the ice, so another solution to the dramatic number of illegal hits in the NHL is to develop a reverse steroid that makes players weaker. For example, injecting a reverse steroid into Chris Pronger's elbows make him an ineffective player. Injecting this reverse steroid into Alex Burrows' teeth makes him less effective on the ice as well.
Option 8: Philly treatment - Philadelphia sports fans are sometimes a bit crazy, to be perfectly honest. The NHL could use this to their advantage. Any player found guilty of an illegal hit shall be brought to the next Flyers home game. He will stand at center ice and will be shrouded in stink bombs (for those not familiar with this reference, please refer here). After this painful experience, he will leave the arena and find that his car has been destroyed, due to the NHL placing a Quebec license plate on it.
Option 9: TV ratings - Another form of punishment to players, which serves as a threat, would be to have the guilty player's TV set to a channel they wouldn't normally be watching. For this experiment, let's lock the player's TV to the Food Network for one week. Note: If the guilty player happens to be Kyle Wellwood or a player whose diet resembles that of Kyle Wellwood, set their channel to a fitness program instead. Likewise, Dustin Byfuglien's TV should never be set to a boating program and anyone on the Oilers, Islanders, Leafs and Panthers should be banned from the Golf Channel, because these are already their respective specialties...at least in the late springtime.
Option 10: Do nothing - Of course, if all else fails, the NHL could just sit back and do nothing, which would continue the league's precedent.
Option 1: Immediate payback - NHL jerseys are kind of boring. They're not hi-tech or anything. Well, here's the solution: install electronic springs into the back of players' jerseys with boxing gloves attached to the end of them. That way, as a player approaches another player and makes contact, the player's jersey that is being hit senses the illegal contact and releases the spring, which then punches the hitting player in the face and wipes him out. Problem solved.
Option 2: Multi-functional helmets - For those who might think the punching gloves are a bit "extreme," how about helmets that have rear-view mirrors? Just as cars have rear-view mirrors to help drivers get out of the way of lunatics, NHL players' helmets should have rear-view mirrors so that they have time to react before they get drilled. Players will be able to get out of the way just before the charging player flies into the boards and completely misses the targeted player.
Option 3: Warning signs - Another formidable possibility is for numbers on the back of NHL players' jerseys to be replaced by a digital monitor that detects how hard a player is charging the targeted player from behind. After it has detected the force of impact and potential injury to the targeted player, a number will appear on the digital monitor, which will indicate the number of games that he will be suspended following the hit. This all happens in less than half a second.
Option 4: Spandex torture - If the previous gadgets don't work out as planned, there is still hope. After a player has distributed an illegal hit and is facing a possible suspension, the player will be summoned to wear green spandex suits and dance around the visiting players' penalty box during upcoming games. This is how the Vancouver Green Men were formed.*
*Not factually accurate.
Option 5: Hot pursuit - If the NHL wants to go with an intimidating approach to eliminating hits rather than embarrassing, as the spandex suits could be, here is the preferred option. After the ensuing period has concluded following the dirty or questionable hit, have the player stand facing center ice and then release the zamboni and have it chase the player around the rink until the ice is cleaned. This provides the zamboni driver with a more entertaining job. Note: This only works if the guilty player's last name is not Grabner.
Option 6: National pride - This option only works if the player is not a good public speaker/singer. Before the game following a questionable or illegal hit, the arena should arrange for guilty player to sing the national anthem[s]. This can also save the arena money on hiring a singer, which is timely because so many NHL franchises are bankrupt or close to bankruptcy. Also a good idea: the home team should make that night "earplug giveaway night" in order to keep fans' ears functional afterwards.
Option 7: Reverse steroids - Steroids make people stronger, which makes them more of a threat on the ice, so another solution to the dramatic number of illegal hits in the NHL is to develop a reverse steroid that makes players weaker. For example, injecting a reverse steroid into Chris Pronger's elbows make him an ineffective player. Injecting this reverse steroid into Alex Burrows' teeth makes him less effective on the ice as well.
Option 8: Philly treatment - Philadelphia sports fans are sometimes a bit crazy, to be perfectly honest. The NHL could use this to their advantage. Any player found guilty of an illegal hit shall be brought to the next Flyers home game. He will stand at center ice and will be shrouded in stink bombs (for those not familiar with this reference, please refer here). After this painful experience, he will leave the arena and find that his car has been destroyed, due to the NHL placing a Quebec license plate on it.
Option 9: TV ratings - Another form of punishment to players, which serves as a threat, would be to have the guilty player's TV set to a channel they wouldn't normally be watching. For this experiment, let's lock the player's TV to the Food Network for one week. Note: If the guilty player happens to be Kyle Wellwood or a player whose diet resembles that of Kyle Wellwood, set their channel to a fitness program instead. Likewise, Dustin Byfuglien's TV should never be set to a boating program and anyone on the Oilers, Islanders, Leafs and Panthers should be banned from the Golf Channel, because these are already their respective specialties...at least in the late springtime.
Option 10: Do nothing - Of course, if all else fails, the NHL could just sit back and do nothing, which would continue the league's precedent.
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