This past weekend during All-Star festivities, I did a lot of tweeting, as you might have found by now (@DownGoesAvery), and you, my followers, did a lot of retweeting my tweets, so hopefully that means some of what I tweeted was funny. Here's some of the highlights from All-Star weekend.
THE RETWEETS:
- Hey Devil fans, can we get this trending: #LundqvistGetsLitUp
- Seriously, why do Swedish goalies play so deep in their creases? Lundqvist right there and Gustavsson immediately come to mind. #NHL
- That guy sitting in the press box sleeping is Gary Bettman.
- Ovechkin looks overmatched amongst these world-class players.
- Alex Ovechkin continues to choke on nationally televised games.
- Here's a coincidence (not really): every answer to the @NHL's contests become trending topics.
- @NHLDevils not to mention youngest All-Star...ever. This league is driven by youth. (Skinner)
- Carolina fans should be familiar with 3 Doors Down. I'm pretty sure they did something at a #NASCAR race in Daytona a few years ago.
- he's least liked coach by players via CBC player survey. RT @SH_Leafs Ron Wilson would have juggled the lines by now...
- Dustin Byfuglien can't tell a difference between the defensive intensity of this game is about what he's used to in Atlanta. #NHL
- Damn Fleury...where's Brent Johnson when you need him?
- This is by far the most intense ASG in #NHL history. It's just as intense as Islander-Panther games are lately.
- If you want a lot of goals, watch the ASG, so Devils fans, don't look. This is what most teams do, score goals.
- Also in player's survey, favorite referee: None!
- Next year, my money is on Tedenby winning fastest skater and Parise winning shootout. #Devils #NHL
- Erik Karlsson salvages his reputation amongst eastern Canada by scoring. (Shootout)
- "Team Staal" is trending. Teen girls across America wondering: "Team Staal, is that like Team Edward?" #NHL
- Seriously, how do you NOT have Daniel vs. Henrik in the shooting?? (Accuracy)
- I'd like to know who voted for Ovechkin. Clearly people who aren't watching. (Breakaway challenge)
- By the way, total salary of NHL All-Stars: $204.8M. Total Yankee payroll in 2010: $206.7M. #NHL #MLB
- Potential ASG post-game headline: Angry Phil Kessel knocks out pair of Staal's en route to 5 goal performance, wins another car. #NHL
- The two #NHL All-Star team rosters total ($204.8M) is almost as much as the #Yankees 2010 payroll.
- Of course the NHL Network would have a Devils Stanley Cup show tonight. Thank you, DVR. #NHL #smart
- Hmm, anything for a hockey fan to watch tonight? If only there was an event that brought all the best players together for a weekend... #nhl
- Just announced: Avs sign Gretzky to 1-year...but the Islanders claimed him off waivers.
- Sean Avery is like the Jonas Brothers. He's horribly annoying, yet some people just can't get enough of him. #hmm
*Thanks for all the retweeting, and hopefully I'll never have to resort to "recycling" my own jokes, as I have here.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Top bloopers in the NHL
Erik Johnson's own goal against...or should I say FOR the Calgary Flames, got me thinking about some of the great hockey bloopers (mostly NHL) since 2000. Have a look at what I came up with.
In case you missed it, here's Johnson's blooper:
So, to the top-10 countdown: (Was Johnson's blunder enough to make the top-10?)
10. WALLIN'S EMPTY NETTER
9. BRODEUR'S SLIPPERY STICK
8. ONE SWEDE GOAL
7. RYAN GETS O'BYRNED IN MONTREAL
6. THERE'S A SMALL HOLE ON VOKOUN
5. ILYA GOES KOVALCHOKE IN SHOOTOUT
4. THE OTHER STAMKOS PENALTY SHOT
3. DION GOES PHAN-OOPS
2. THE FROZEN TENNIS BALL
1. THE EMPTY NET
That's my list. What's your's?
In case you missed it, here's Johnson's blooper:
So, to the top-10 countdown: (Was Johnson's blunder enough to make the top-10?)
10. WALLIN'S EMPTY NETTER
9. BRODEUR'S SLIPPERY STICK
8. ONE SWEDE GOAL
7. RYAN GETS O'BYRNED IN MONTREAL
6. THERE'S A SMALL HOLE ON VOKOUN
5. ILYA GOES KOVALCHOKE IN SHOOTOUT
4. THE OTHER STAMKOS PENALTY SHOT
3. DION GOES PHAN-OOPS
2. THE FROZEN TENNIS BALL
1. THE EMPTY NET
That's my list. What's your's?
Ways to make the NHL All-Star game relevant
It's pretty clear: nobody actually cares about the NHL All-Star game. Fans would rather watch poker on ESPN, players would rather sleep in all day and the only reason Gary Bettman still tries to promote the ASG is to have a reason to pay Stan Lee for attempting to create a "superhero" for each NHL team. Obviously, we all know, Sidney Crosby is the only real superhero...
So, this has gotten me thinking, there has to be a way to attract interest in the game itself. Well, I developed some ideas:
The Grinder's game - Everyone watches the All-Star game for goals. Well, what if we took that element out of the game? Instead of Crosby, Ovechkin and Stamkos, let's have Shelley, Orr and Parros go at it for sixty minutes. This is an absolutely absurd idea and would ruin the NHL, which is exactly why Gary Bettman would like this idea.
Make goalies important - Instead of making goaltending a chore at the All-Star game, let's make it hurt more. Let's have the goalies choose the teams, and then have a goalie fight to determine who receives the first overall pick in the fantasy draft. This way, we can all laugh at goalies even more. Ray Emery is around somewhere, right?
The blindfolded skills competition - This event is intriguing to me. Having the shootout skills competition event blindfolded seems like a way to increase interest, unless of course, Colin White is involved, because he can't see anything anyway.
The hitting competition - This is another physical addition to the All-Star weekend, since the current game is almost as intense as an Islanders home game. There is only one rule: Scott Hartnell isn't allowed to hit anyone if Jeff Carter is anywhere near him.
The slapshot competition - Okay, so they already have this, but again, I want to involve goalies more. Let the goalies shoot. Besides, Nikolai Khabibulin must have hit at least 105 miles per hour before...
The Vesa Toskala Competition - I will expand on this later with another post (the one with the 'historic first' for DGA), but basically, the GOAL is to make the easiest save turn into an adventure. Vesa has great experience with this, and would make a very good example.
The headshot competition - In this competition, a dummy will be placed at center ice and the contestant's job is to elbow the dummy and do their best Matt Cooke impression. The player that shatters the dummy into the most pieces wins. Despite requests, faces of Gary Bettman will NOT be placed on the face of the dummy.
Waffle-throwing competition - This is a way to involve fans with the All-Star weekend. This competition will be run similarly to fans shooting the puck into a hole in the net. In New Jersey, this is called "Super Score-O." The fan will stand at center ice with three waffles, and will have three opportunities to throw one in Brian Burke's mouth.
Get a TV deal with a relevant network - I know I beat this subject to death, but nobody knows what Versus is. People will look at you strange if you mention the channel. The NHL needs a relevant channel, and as I've suggested earlier, the Golf Channel has plenty of air time available.
Any other submissions will be considered, and remember, the Ilya Kovalchuk contract is almost 3% complete!
*Later today, DGA will be making DGA history with a new first, so stay tuned for that. Thanks for reading and remember, keep your head up (*ahem Marc Savard*).
So, this has gotten me thinking, there has to be a way to attract interest in the game itself. Well, I developed some ideas:
The Grinder's game - Everyone watches the All-Star game for goals. Well, what if we took that element out of the game? Instead of Crosby, Ovechkin and Stamkos, let's have Shelley, Orr and Parros go at it for sixty minutes. This is an absolutely absurd idea and would ruin the NHL, which is exactly why Gary Bettman would like this idea.
Make goalies important - Instead of making goaltending a chore at the All-Star game, let's make it hurt more. Let's have the goalies choose the teams, and then have a goalie fight to determine who receives the first overall pick in the fantasy draft. This way, we can all laugh at goalies even more. Ray Emery is around somewhere, right?
The blindfolded skills competition - This event is intriguing to me. Having the shootout skills competition event blindfolded seems like a way to increase interest, unless of course, Colin White is involved, because he can't see anything anyway.
The hitting competition - This is another physical addition to the All-Star weekend, since the current game is almost as intense as an Islanders home game. There is only one rule: Scott Hartnell isn't allowed to hit anyone if Jeff Carter is anywhere near him.
The slapshot competition - Okay, so they already have this, but again, I want to involve goalies more. Let the goalies shoot. Besides, Nikolai Khabibulin must have hit at least 105 miles per hour before...
The Vesa Toskala Competition - I will expand on this later with another post (the one with the 'historic first' for DGA), but basically, the GOAL is to make the easiest save turn into an adventure. Vesa has great experience with this, and would make a very good example.
The headshot competition - In this competition, a dummy will be placed at center ice and the contestant's job is to elbow the dummy and do their best Matt Cooke impression. The player that shatters the dummy into the most pieces wins. Despite requests, faces of Gary Bettman will NOT be placed on the face of the dummy.
Waffle-throwing competition - This is a way to involve fans with the All-Star weekend. This competition will be run similarly to fans shooting the puck into a hole in the net. In New Jersey, this is called "Super Score-O." The fan will stand at center ice with three waffles, and will have three opportunities to throw one in Brian Burke's mouth.
Get a TV deal with a relevant network - I know I beat this subject to death, but nobody knows what Versus is. People will look at you strange if you mention the channel. The NHL needs a relevant channel, and as I've suggested earlier, the Golf Channel has plenty of air time available.
Any other submissions will be considered, and remember, the Ilya Kovalchuk contract is almost 3% complete!
*Later today, DGA will be making DGA history with a new first, so stay tuned for that. Thanks for reading and remember, keep your head up (*ahem Marc Savard*).
Friday, January 21, 2011
How to fix the problems in today's NHL
As we know, the NHL is not exactly the most functional sports league in North America, in fact, some would argue that it is the complete opposite. The bottom line is that changes need to be made, and if you believe in taking a stand, you'll like this. Since nobody is willing to speak up, I've decided to submit my suggestions to the NHL with the hope that the game of hockey improves for everyone.
Problem: League's Collective Bargaining Agreement
Reason for problem: NHL and NHLPA don't exactly see eye-to-eye on everything, and the most shocking part yet: they can never decide how to share revenue. Basically, Gary Bettman.
Solution: Actually sit down and negotiate with the two sides and attempt to put a deal together before the day a work stoppage is announced. Bettman's salary is over $7 million per season, which is far more than most players average (that's more than Ilya Kovalchuk's cap hit). Another idea would be to have a "State of the Union" speech annually (not the NHLPA union of course). Unfortunately, neither speech seems to be productive.
Problem: Shootouts
Reason for problem: Pierre McGuire. Well, him and hockey purists, so basically everyone who's ever watched a game in their life, which explains why Gary Bettman supports the shootout.
Solution: Well, I don't know about you, but I think having goalie fights would be a lot easier than 4 on 4, then 3 on 3 overtime periods. Just let the goalies have at it, that way, everyone's happy, besides, the position has been dreaded in the past, right?
Problem: Concussions
Reason for problem: Players train now more than ever, well at least that's what trainers claim. The real reason is because of idiots in the NHL who think they're Scott Stevens, but really have no talent whatsoever. That and Mike Richards.
Solution: There's 2 options - don't allow any hitting at all (especially Martin Brodeur when he's around his sister-in-laws and Jeff Carter when he's around Scott Hartnell's wife) or the league actually cracking down on what needs to be destroyed, like the Philadelphia Spectrum.
Problem: Waivers
Reason for problem: Well, it depends on who you ask. If you ask Doug Armstrong of the Blues, you might get a different opinion than David Poile or Doug Wilson. The problem the league is looking at, however, is other teams interfering with the process and doing teams favors.
Solution: Do nothing. It's what the league is used to, anyway, plus, all Bettman needs to do is call up Richard Bloch, and he'll tell you that the team violated the "spirit of the Collective Bargaining Agreement."
Problem: TV deals
Reason for problem: 97% of the U.S. has never heard of Versus, let alone watched one of their shows.
Solution: Pretend Americans actually care about hockey and sign on with a relevant network, like the Golf Channel.
Problem: Expansion
Reason for problem: Despite every single NHL General Manager arguing that Canadian expansion would be highly successful, Gary Bettman insists that there is a demand for more hockey teams in the southern U.S.
Solution: Develop "franchise tags," so players don't get lost in the expansion draft. When that fails, pack up and join Bettman and move your team to Florida. Yeah, I know, that would be stupid.
Problem: NHL Draft lottery
Reason for problem: Some teams claim they the draft order was "fixed." An example of this would be the 2005 draft out of the lockout.
Solution: Tank 5 seasons and get top-5 draft picks. You're almost guaranteed a Stanley Cup ring within 5 years, unless you're the Islanders or Oilers.
Problem: Low-scoring is back
Reason for problem: Some have named 2010-11 the "year of the goalie." That is partially true, but only because the New Jersey Devils' offense has been non-existent most of the season. Other than that, everything is fine.
Solution: I suppose taking the trapezoid out could help the Devils, but in general, just keep doing what the league does: nothing.
Problem: General Managers with attitudes
Reason for problem: They have attitudes, they're human.
Solution: Applaud them and hope the players follow instead of constantly acting like robots.
Problem: Poor officiating
Reason for problem: Supposedly, when officials make all the right calls, everyone is better off...including the official.
Solution: NHL-owned cameras that are neutral, which will benefit everyone in the case of replays. No, FSN Pittsburgh's cameras do not count towards the league-owned property.
Problem: Long-term player contracts
Reason for problem: Honestly, the salary cap. Teams think they need to lock up franchise players to avoid losing them to free agency.
Solution: Well, the cap isn't going anywhere, so the only thing to do is make sure that the player being signed is actually worth signing...not singling any players out, though.
Problem: The All-Star Game
Reason for problem: Nobody actually cares about it.
Solution: Call Stan Lee and have him create an ugly superhero for every team and hope that works. Once that blows up in your face, just scrap the whole idea and stick to the Winter Classic, before that gets ruined, too.
Problem: Identity of the league
Reason for problem: Superstars throughout the league are marketable, but nothing is being done, as usual.
Solution: Tell Sidney Crosby to shave his absurd attempt at a moustache and inform people that, yes, there are TWO Sedin brothers.
So there you have it, all the major problems the NHL faces, and what to do and why to do them. If we all do our part, we can fix the NHL. Or at least try to, after all, we're not superhuman. Also, I can't believe Scott Burnside still has a job, but anyway...
Problem: League's Collective Bargaining Agreement
Reason for problem: NHL and NHLPA don't exactly see eye-to-eye on everything, and the most shocking part yet: they can never decide how to share revenue. Basically, Gary Bettman.
Solution: Actually sit down and negotiate with the two sides and attempt to put a deal together before the day a work stoppage is announced. Bettman's salary is over $7 million per season, which is far more than most players average (that's more than Ilya Kovalchuk's cap hit). Another idea would be to have a "State of the Union" speech annually (not the NHLPA union of course). Unfortunately, neither speech seems to be productive.
Problem: Shootouts
Reason for problem: Pierre McGuire. Well, him and hockey purists, so basically everyone who's ever watched a game in their life, which explains why Gary Bettman supports the shootout.
Solution: Well, I don't know about you, but I think having goalie fights would be a lot easier than 4 on 4, then 3 on 3 overtime periods. Just let the goalies have at it, that way, everyone's happy, besides, the position has been dreaded in the past, right?
Problem: Concussions
Reason for problem: Players train now more than ever, well at least that's what trainers claim. The real reason is because of idiots in the NHL who think they're Scott Stevens, but really have no talent whatsoever. That and Mike Richards.
Solution: There's 2 options - don't allow any hitting at all (especially Martin Brodeur when he's around his sister-in-laws and Jeff Carter when he's around Scott Hartnell's wife) or the league actually cracking down on what needs to be destroyed, like the Philadelphia Spectrum.
Problem: Waivers
Reason for problem: Well, it depends on who you ask. If you ask Doug Armstrong of the Blues, you might get a different opinion than David Poile or Doug Wilson. The problem the league is looking at, however, is other teams interfering with the process and doing teams favors.
Solution: Do nothing. It's what the league is used to, anyway, plus, all Bettman needs to do is call up Richard Bloch, and he'll tell you that the team violated the "spirit of the Collective Bargaining Agreement."
Problem: TV deals
Reason for problem: 97% of the U.S. has never heard of Versus, let alone watched one of their shows.
Solution: Pretend Americans actually care about hockey and sign on with a relevant network, like the Golf Channel.
Problem: Expansion
Reason for problem: Despite every single NHL General Manager arguing that Canadian expansion would be highly successful, Gary Bettman insists that there is a demand for more hockey teams in the southern U.S.
Solution: Develop "franchise tags," so players don't get lost in the expansion draft. When that fails, pack up and join Bettman and move your team to Florida. Yeah, I know, that would be stupid.
Problem: NHL Draft lottery
Reason for problem: Some teams claim they the draft order was "fixed." An example of this would be the 2005 draft out of the lockout.
Solution: Tank 5 seasons and get top-5 draft picks. You're almost guaranteed a Stanley Cup ring within 5 years, unless you're the Islanders or Oilers.
Problem: Low-scoring is back
Reason for problem: Some have named 2010-11 the "year of the goalie." That is partially true, but only because the New Jersey Devils' offense has been non-existent most of the season. Other than that, everything is fine.
Solution: I suppose taking the trapezoid out could help the Devils, but in general, just keep doing what the league does: nothing.
Problem: General Managers with attitudes
Reason for problem: They have attitudes, they're human.
Solution: Applaud them and hope the players follow instead of constantly acting like robots.
Problem: Poor officiating
Reason for problem: Supposedly, when officials make all the right calls, everyone is better off...including the official.
Solution: NHL-owned cameras that are neutral, which will benefit everyone in the case of replays. No, FSN Pittsburgh's cameras do not count towards the league-owned property.
Problem: Long-term player contracts
Reason for problem: Honestly, the salary cap. Teams think they need to lock up franchise players to avoid losing them to free agency.
Solution: Well, the cap isn't going anywhere, so the only thing to do is make sure that the player being signed is actually worth signing...not singling any players out, though.
Problem: The All-Star Game
Reason for problem: Nobody actually cares about it.
Solution: Call Stan Lee and have him create an ugly superhero for every team and hope that works. Once that blows up in your face, just scrap the whole idea and stick to the Winter Classic, before that gets ruined, too.
Problem: Identity of the league
Reason for problem: Superstars throughout the league are marketable, but nothing is being done, as usual.
Solution: Tell Sidney Crosby to shave his absurd attempt at a moustache and inform people that, yes, there are TWO Sedin brothers.
So there you have it, all the major problems the NHL faces, and what to do and why to do them. If we all do our part, we can fix the NHL. Or at least try to, after all, we're not superhuman. Also, I can't believe Scott Burnside still has a job, but anyway...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
A player's guide to recovering from concussions
With the growing number of NHL players, and all professional and amateur athletes suffering from concussions, I thought it would be helpful if I offered advice to NHL players, helping them decide when to return to action after their injury has subsided.
- If you're name is Marc Savard, do not miraculously recover from your concussion because you see the Pittsburgh Penguins as your next opponent. Take the extra time to rest and hope that Shawn Thornton and Matt Cooke go at it.
- Now that Chris Pronger is back from his injury, you might want to reconsider speeding up your recovery with the Philadelphia Flyers on the upcoming schedule.
- If you happen to be David Booth, well, just keep your head up.
- Not to name names, but just because you've been injured with a concussion doesn't give you any special rights to complain to the men in stripes when you come back.
- Henrik Lundqvist is not a human punching bag. He does have feelings, and he'll let them out if you challenge him to.
- If you ever feel your symptoms coming back, run to Colin Campbell's office and claim that you were hit from a blindside angle by David Steckel.
- If you were recently suspended for injuring a Detroit Red Wing and you play for the Calgary Flames, and you can't reach Darryl Sutter, keep trying, he'll answer eventually. Jay Feaster won't last forever.
- If you play for the New Jersey Devils, battle through it. If you go down for a significant amount of time, you probably won't be able to get traded out of New Jersey.
- Unlike New Jersey, if you are a Toronto Maple Leaf, you will be taught to work for next year. They haven't needed to rush guys back for April in a while.
- If you happen to be in the Phoenix market and you notice that you aren't attracing much attention with your injury, it's nothing personal. Unless your known name is "BizNasty2point0," you probably aren't getting a lot of attention anyway.
- Having a concussion does not entitle you to free ice cream...just saying.
- There is a difference between missing the All-Star game due to a concussion and boycotting it...in case anyone was wondering.
- If you're Sidney Crosby, you might be under a great deal of pressure to get back into games from your buddy, Gary Bettman. Don't listen to him for 2 reasons: a) you'll get under his skin (again) and b) his ploy of injuring Evgeni Malkin just to get you back sooner shouldn't work. Remember, you have the Devils tonight.
- If you're a goalie, you're better off getting back ASAP. There's enough decent goalies that you might be out a job by time you get back.
- If you happen to be a player such as Alex Kovalev and you suffer a concussion, relax, the season's more than halfway done, and you won't have to worry about the playoffs anyway.
- Just because you're in a slump offensively doesn't mean you're automatically injured. Hey, you never know, you might come back and score 4 goals tonight...
- If you are missing the All-Star Game due to a concussion and your name is not Sidney Crosby, don't worry, nobody will miss you...or even notice.
*If you have something to say, positive, negative, somewhere in between, please let me know by commenting below, e-mailing me at DownGoesAvery@aol.com or by following me on Twitter (@DownGoesAvery). If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe to my posts on the right side of the main page. Thanks for reading the most popular blog on the web...that's about making fun of hockey players and subliminally attacking Sean Avery run by a Devils fan.
- If you're name is Marc Savard, do not miraculously recover from your concussion because you see the Pittsburgh Penguins as your next opponent. Take the extra time to rest and hope that Shawn Thornton and Matt Cooke go at it.
- Now that Chris Pronger is back from his injury, you might want to reconsider speeding up your recovery with the Philadelphia Flyers on the upcoming schedule.
- If you happen to be David Booth, well, just keep your head up.
- Not to name names, but just because you've been injured with a concussion doesn't give you any special rights to complain to the men in stripes when you come back.
- Henrik Lundqvist is not a human punching bag. He does have feelings, and he'll let them out if you challenge him to.
- If you ever feel your symptoms coming back, run to Colin Campbell's office and claim that you were hit from a blindside angle by David Steckel.
- If you were recently suspended for injuring a Detroit Red Wing and you play for the Calgary Flames, and you can't reach Darryl Sutter, keep trying, he'll answer eventually. Jay Feaster won't last forever.
- If you play for the New Jersey Devils, battle through it. If you go down for a significant amount of time, you probably won't be able to get traded out of New Jersey.
- Unlike New Jersey, if you are a Toronto Maple Leaf, you will be taught to work for next year. They haven't needed to rush guys back for April in a while.
- If you happen to be in the Phoenix market and you notice that you aren't attracing much attention with your injury, it's nothing personal. Unless your known name is "BizNasty2point0," you probably aren't getting a lot of attention anyway.
- Having a concussion does not entitle you to free ice cream...just saying.
- There is a difference between missing the All-Star game due to a concussion and boycotting it...in case anyone was wondering.
- If you're Sidney Crosby, you might be under a great deal of pressure to get back into games from your buddy, Gary Bettman. Don't listen to him for 2 reasons: a) you'll get under his skin (again) and b) his ploy of injuring Evgeni Malkin just to get you back sooner shouldn't work. Remember, you have the Devils tonight.
- If you're a goalie, you're better off getting back ASAP. There's enough decent goalies that you might be out a job by time you get back.
- If you happen to be a player such as Alex Kovalev and you suffer a concussion, relax, the season's more than halfway done, and you won't have to worry about the playoffs anyway.
- Just because you're in a slump offensively doesn't mean you're automatically injured. Hey, you never know, you might come back and score 4 goals tonight...
- If you are missing the All-Star Game due to a concussion and your name is not Sidney Crosby, don't worry, nobody will miss you...or even notice.
*If you have something to say, positive, negative, somewhere in between, please let me know by commenting below, e-mailing me at DownGoesAvery@aol.com or by following me on Twitter (@DownGoesAvery). If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe to my posts on the right side of the main page. Thanks for reading the most popular blog on the web...that's about making fun of hockey players and subliminally attacking Sean Avery run by a Devils fan.
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