Thursday, October 25, 2012

Charles Wang's notes from the Brooklyn press conference

Charles Wang indicating the number of people
who are sad to leave Nassau Coliseum.
Once upon a time, the 1980s happened.  Gas prices were cheap[er], people were having terrible crises with their hair and the New York Islanders were relevant.  But since winning four straight Stanley Cup championships to kick off that decade, they've pretty much been a joke.  Nowadays, a trip to the playoffs for the Islanders is as rare as Rick DiPietro playing consecutive games (that's your unoriginal and quite honestly terrible joke about Rick DiPietro for the day).  Now though, the Islanders have decided that the best way to forget their misery is to move west and abandon Nassau County and the awful concrete slab of an arena that sits in it.  The Islanders are moving to Brooklyn.

Islanders owner Charles Wang held a press conference to announce the move to Brooklyn to those who don't have Twitter accounts.  I wasn't there, but thanks to some friends in the media business, I obtained a copy of Charles Wang's notes from the presser, and I'm here to share them with you.

New York Islanders Press Conference

October 24th, 2012

Barclays Center: Brooklyn, New York (wait, it is still New York, right??)

Charles B. Wang


·         Thank everyone for coming.  Except Allan Walsh.  If he’s here, end press conference immediately and run.

·         Tell everyone about the move from Nassau County to Brooklyn, since nobody has leaked the info to Twitter yet!

·         Mention the wonderful opportunity to join a successful and world-famous basketball team in Brooklyn.

·         Express how thrilled our players are.  Tell them legends like Bossy, Trottier and DiPietro might come out of retirement to play here.

·         Explain how this will be a chance to market our star players, such as John Tavares and (mention random name).

·         Say that we might even sign some decent free agents now.  Also make sure that Brad Boyes isn’t present.

·         Mention how we plan to become a free agent hotspot…if free agency is even legal with the new CBA!!!

·         Check that.  Don’t mention “CBA” at all.

·         Show everyone our new logo: a hockey stick smashing Donald Fehr’s face.

·         Explain how attendance will go up now.  We even made the commute easier for Ranger fans!

·         Tell everyone reasons that fans will want to come now, such as playing in an arena, rather than Nassau Coliseum and playing in a place where there’s no asbestos.

·         Take obligatory cheap shot at Nassau County.

·         Assure everyone that if we decide to replace Garth Snow, we aren’t hiring Mike Milbury.  Again.

·         Say that we have the best fans in the NHL.  No seriously, JUST DO IT.

·         Omit the part about how we’re raising ticket prices.

·         Mention how moving by 2015 ensures that we actually play a game in Brooklyn before the next lockout.

·         Make a joke about how we should rename the Atlantic Division “the New York Metro area and the two stupid teams from Pennsylvania division” and see if anyone laughs.

·         Assure everyone that we aren’t giving up on the next two years before we move.  We’re determined to make the playoffs this year, assuming the league adapts our proposed “all 30 teams make the playoffs” proposal.