First 10 days of 2011...the good, the bad and the ugly for the NHL

We're already 10 days into 2011, which means there's only 355 days remaining (what a minute, is this a leap year? ... No? ... Good!) It's time to take a look at the GOOD, the BAD and the UGLY of the early portion of 2011 in the NHL.

The GOOD:

- Chris Pronger hasn't played a game this year.
- Sidney Crosby shaved. Yeah, I know, that was not a fake mustache. At least I don't think it was.

The BAD:

- Anyone watching post-game Winter Classic coverage had to see Gary Bettman. That alone makes hockey fans sick.
- A 6-game suspension for Tom Kostopuolos after he broke the jaw of Brad Stuart. You know, back in the ancient days, they would have broken Kostopuolos' jaw as a penalty.

The UGLY:

- Dan Ellis. Well, maybe not Ellis himself, but his play. If you want literally ugly, see "The BAD."
- Maybe Crosby's mustache belongs here...
- Rangers just traded Roszival for Phoenix's Wolski. They now drop Roszival and Redden's contract and need a bad defenseman. They can call Lou about Tallinder. Obviously, GM Don Maloney has been watching too much of his brother, Dave Maloney, on TV, talking about Roszival. Now if you're Wolski, imagine going from Phoenix to New York. He'll probably wonder "oh, there is such thing as a sellout." Either that or "Did they have the mute button on in Phoenix every game?"

What will happen next?

Well, I'm no analyst, but I sense two major trades occuring. First, the Rangers' Alex Frolov is done for the season with an ACL injury, meaning the Rangers are in need of a really bad contract on their team. Have no fear, Glen Sather's good buddy Lou Lamoriello has a great idea: Brian Rolston for a 1st round draft pick in 2011. Or 2012. Or never. Whatever works.

The second trade involves the Devils...again. Except I sense the Devils will be buyers to an extent (Ilya Kovalchuk immediately hears "BUYS" and looks up). The Devils have a lot of Swedish presence on the roster, and unfortunately, they traded Niclas Bergfors and Johnny Oduya away last year for Anssi Salmela...and another player whose name eludes me right now. They've also had their share of absolutely awful Swedish defense, I won't name names though (*Alex Urbom and Henrik Tallinder...cough, cough*). This calls for Lou to re-trade the 3rd round conditional pick he received for Jamie Langenbrunner to Sweden for Niclas Havelid.

What to expect:

Expect the unexpected...what's that? No, I do not think the Islanders are going to win the Stanley Cup this season.

Expect the possibility of the first-ever forward to win a Norris Trophy this year. Yes, Dustin Byfuglien. You can't argue that he's a defenseman, because that implies him playing defense.

P.S.

In a recent USHL game, a defenseman fired a slapshot that hit the post. As you can see, the puck split in half. The rumor after the game was that Zdeno Chara disguised himself and played in that game, but I don't believe that.

That was cool, but not quite as cool as this Dion Phaneuf memory. That was cool.

Last thing: I know many of you are in horror that Sean Avery scored a goal recently. Look, I'm trying to get through this just like everyone else his. Hopefully the world will restore justice and he goes back to...doing whatever he does, like screening goalies without being an idiot.

Exclusive: Dialog from Devils' 2010 Christmas party

Every year, GM Lou Lamoriello and Devils management hosts a Christmas party that the entire team is invited to. This year, unlike most of the past two decades, the Devils are not a playoff team and in no way looking back on 2010 with good memories. With that said, there were interesting conversations that took place during the party. Take a look:

*Location: Devils' practice facility, AmeriHealth Pavilion, next to Prudential Center

Lou Lamoriello: On behalf on the New Jersey Devils, I would like to welcome you to the annual Devils Christmas party! (*hears crash in background*) As you know, we are proud to be a part of this hockey team! (*hears another crash*) For some of you, this is your first Devils Christmas party, and for others, it may be your last (*hears another crash*)...What the HELL is that??

Martin Brodeur: umm, Lou, some of the players are slipping and falling. Why did you host the party here on the ice at our practice facility?

Lou Lamoriello: I think you know very well why (*turns to Ilya Kovalchuk*).

Ilya Kovalchuk: What, me???

Lou Lamoriello: When we got handed the $3 million fine by the league, we knew we would have some budget cuts to make. (*hears another noise, and a near-fight break out*) MARTY!

Martin Brodeur: What? (*all Devils defensemen laying down on the ice holding certain parts of their bodies in pain*) I didn't do anything...

Lou Lamoriello: Anyway, umm, I am now going to recite my annual Christmas speech to you guys! (*veterans roll eyes*)

It is my honor to be part of such a proud organization that has a rich history of winning at the highest level. As you know, this season is status quo and another season that we are en route to our pursuit of our fourth Stanley Cup championship. I have been a part of this organization for...umm, well a long time, and this is the most talented group of guys I've seen yet, and...

Martin Brodeur: LOU!!!

Lou Lamoriello: Yes, Marty?

Martin Brodeur: That's the same speech you've been reading to us since 2003.

Lou Lamoriello: It is? (*checks date*) (mumbles: December 25th, 2003.) Oh, you're right, how about that? Give me one second (*shuffles through papers*), Here we go!

Dear Mr. Commissioner Gettman, ahem, Brettman, umm, Bettman! That's it! I know you and I haven't really gotten along for the better part of our careers, but I have presented a unique proposal to you. As you know, we had a rough summer trying to sign Ilya Kovalchuk to a ridiculous contract I would never have signed had I not been forced to under the watchful eyes of my owner, Jeff Vanderbeek, but I wanted to know if you would give us a refund...a re-refund...oops.

Ilya Kovalchuk: Zat ees what you sink of me??

(*Chico Resch walks in*) Chico Resch: Hey guys, sorry I'm late, I was...well it's not like I was at the Islanders Christmas party or anything! What did I miss? (*slips on ice and falls*)

Mattias Tedenby (in Swedish): (*to Henrik Tallinder, Johan Hedberg and Jacob Josefson) I'm thinking we should get the hell out of here.

Henrik Tallinder: Yeah, good idea. I'll drive. (*four Swedish players sneak out back door*)

Stan Fischler (*walking in late*): Hey, everybody. Guess what? The Rangers just gave all their players these beaut-ee-ful sweaters, look at them (*holds up sweater with FISCHLER written on back*)!

Lou Lamoriello: Now, now, Stan, you know I banned you from being on air on TV because of your bad PR, let's not start now.

Stan Fischler: You did? Huh, I didn't realize that.

Chico Resch: Can you guys hurry up, I'm really hungry!

Martin Brodeur: That makes two of us!

Lou Lamoriello: Okay, calm down guys. You know what we have to do before we eat, right?

Anton Volchenkov: Let me guess, hit everyone as hard as you can!

Lou Lamoriello: Well, not exactly.

Anton Volchenkov: YESS!!! (*goes and hip-checks David Clarkson, then knocks Colin White into boards*)

Lou Lamoriello: Anton! (*Volchenkov stops and looks at Lou*) Now, I want to go in a line, starting with the captains, and state one thing you're thankful for this past season. Jamie, we start with you.

Jamie Langenbrunner: umm, it's the last year of my contract!

Lou Lamoriello: That's very nice. Jamie, you pick the next player.

Jamie Langenbrunner: umm, Greeney, go.

Andy Greene: I'm with Jamie. Last year of my contract.

Lou Lamoriello: That's awfully nice. How about we go to Patty. You've been quiet tonight.

Patrik Elias: I am thankful that I got to represent my country in the Olympics!

Lou Lamoriello: Very good, very good! Now...(*hears banging on facility door. Turns to see an angry John MacLean banging on the door*) how about we go to...Ilya!

Ilya Kovalchuk: I em thankful zat I get zis few days off to be with my family.

(*Lou hears MacLean still banging on the window.*) Lou Lamoriello: Can someone tell John that he's not coaching here anymore?

Jacques Lemaire: Let him in, it's alright with me.

Lou Lamoriello: Well it's not alright with ME!

Jacques Lemaire: Let the man in!

Lou Lamoriello: You know what, you're FIRED!

Jamie Langenbrunner: YES!!!

Jason Arnott (*to himself*): Why exactly did I want to come back here?

Jacques Lemaire: Fine, I never wanted to come back. (*storms out door*)

Lou Lamoriello: (*heads to door*) Come on in, Johnny! Guess what, you're our new coach!

John MacLean: Again??

Lou Lamoriello: Yeah, isn't that great?

John MacLean: Actually, I just wanted to show you guys what the Rangers are giving their alumni at their Christmas party (*holds up sweater similar to Fischler's*)

Lou Lamoriello: Yeah, we know. Okay, that's it. I'm coaching this team. (*John MacLean leaves*)

*At this point, most of the Devils players are sitting on the ice looking around for food.

Zach Parise: Lou, can we please get some food here?

Lou Lamoriello: Players on IR eat last, you should know that. Oh, actually, you've never been on IR. I got that idea from Garth Snow. He makes Rick DiPietro eat last every year!

Zach Parise: (*turns to Zajac*) He thinks I'm re-signing here for nothing, too. Why don't you ask for a trade. I'll sign wherever you go.

Travis Zajac: Sure thing. My agent and I were looking at houses in Denver.

Zach Parise: Hmm, that would be fun. Paul Stastny is a good American.

Travis Zajac: Or we could go to LA.

Zach Parise: Even better!

Lou Lamoriello: Okay, rookies eat first! (*looks around*) Hey, where'd the rookies go? Where's Tedenby? Where's Josefson?

Martin Brodeur (*turns to rest of team*): This could get ugly. (*Anton Volchenkov lightly punches White in back again*)

Chris Pronger (*walks in*): Hey guys (*shoves large piece of steak in his mouth*), what's up?

Zach Parise: Oh no! (*hides*)

Chris Pronger: The, uh, food over at the Flyers Christmas party...really good stuff!!

Martin Brodeur: Really??

Chris Pronger: Sure is! Nieds and I just left there.

Lou Lamoriello: Scott Niedermayer?

Chris Pronger: Yeah! Practically the whole Canadian Olympic team was there!

Martin Brodeur: Wait, why didn't they call me?

Chris Pronger: Well, you know...anyway, I'll see you later, guys! (*stuffs more food into mouth and leaves*)

Martin Brodeur: Lou, where's the food?

Lou Lamoriello: (*checks watch*) Don't worry, everything is status quo! (*turns to Jeff Vanderbeek*) Dammit, we're not retiring Niedermayer's number!

Jeff Vanderbeek: Please, Lou, please! I need to sell out at least one more game this year!

Lou Lamoriello: Fine. (*takes out phone and dials number*) Hi, Jacques? Yeah, you're hired again. (*hangs up*)

Sean Avery (*enters room in new modeling clothes*): Hey, do you guys know where Stan Fischler went? He left right before his turn at the karaoke came!

Stan Fischler: Here we go! (*runs for exit and leaves*)

Sean Avery: Oh, okay, haven't seen him? It's okay, we'll find him! (*waves at Martin Brodeur*) Oh, by the way, did you know if I was on the Devils, I'd be 4th in points! 4th!!! AND I lead the league in penalty minutes! (*Leaves*)

Lou Lamoriello: Anyway, that's all the time we have for tonight, thanks for coming and we'll see you at practice on the 26th!

Martin Brodeur: Ugh... (*looks outside and sees Gary Bettman drive by and waves at Marty*) I swear I saw Sidney Crosby in that car...

Chico Resch: I'm going back to the Islanders party, I'm starving!

Ilya Kovalchuk: I miss zee Thrashers!

Lou Lamoriello (*picks up phone*): Oh, just got invited to board of governors Christmas party! See ya, guys! If any alumni come, they're welcome to the food.

Chico Resch (*turns around*): Food???

What should the New Jersey Devils get for Christmas?

Well, we know what a lot of players have been asking Santa Claus for this Christmas, and that's a trade out of New Jersey. Many won't say it publicly, but why would they? This is 2010 (almost 2011) and the media is pointless if you're trying to get anything out of players...then again, so was ex-Devils coach John MacLean...

Anyway, here's my list of Christmas gifts I would be handing out to the Devils today and tomorrow. Hope you enjoy.

Pierre-Luc LeBlond - I'll start with PL3, whose NHL season lasted less than two games after he got ejected from the Washington game on the season's second night and was suspended, placed on waivers and never to be heard from again.
His gift: more bus tickets, because he'll sure need them.

Zach Parise - Reports this morning say he could be done for the year, but seriously, it doesn't matter at this point. He's got restricted free agency looming, and this guy needs to stay. He's the captain of this team next season.
His gift[s]: First, a Ruslan Fedetenko bobblehead, because he says on the side, he truly hates him. Second, I would give him a brand new Sharpie, a red one, so he can sign his name on a new contract with the Devils.

Jason Arnott - Jason Arnott deserves better than this. His former team, the Nashville Predators is having a great season, and his new/old team is in the basement of the league. Arnott, however, leads the Devils in goals. That doesn't mean anything, considering he's the only Devil on pace for 25 goals right now.
His gift: a lollypop. Lollypops make everything better. Maybe a new shotgun. He's a hunter. Just keep him out of the locker room with it...for many reasons.

Colin White - I could be crazy here, but Colin White has probably been the Devils' best defenseman game in and game out this year. Still, he's one of many that could be shipped out by March.
His gift: A vacation to either Colorado, Toronto, Tampa Bay, or another city that could be a good trade destination.

Johan Hedberg - Johan "Moose" Hedberg has been a bright spot this season, but you wouldn't know that because he never gets played anymore. His 3.07 goals against average is misleading, but it's still better than the Devils' starting goalie. Is there a goalie controversy in New Jersey?
His gift: a warrior helmet. He wasn't supposed to keep losing AFTER he left Atlanta...

Mattias Tedenby - He and fellow Swede Hedberg have been shining stars in the demise of the Devils this year. Former first rounder has shown why he should have been drafted higher.
His gift: Fake teeth, because he needs them, and keys to the city.

Andy Greene - Well, the past two seasons have been a roller coaster for Greene. He's had career years both ways, one good, one horrible. His personal goal should be to not finish the year at a -20 rating.
His gift: A new head coach, maybe a guy like Jacques Lemaire...oh well isn't he in luck?

Jamie Langenbrunner - Ah, yes, oh captain my captain. A year ago, he was coming off of his best offensive season ever and en route to captaincy for the U.S. Olympic hockey team. This year, he's come back down to Earth in a big way.
His gift: A box of tissues and a Jacques Lemaire bobblehead. Maybe a can of paint too. Lemaire and Langenbrunner don't exactly see eye-to-eye, and it's not because one is really short, either.

Patrik Elias - Still leads his team in points. All-time. Actually this year and all-time.
His gift: Diapers. Not because he's a crybaby, he's not, but because his wife recently gave birth.

Martin Brodeur - The winningest goalie of all-time is approaching George Hainsworth's record for most all-time losses. For this season, anyway, he might break the single-season loss record for a goalie. He's not getting old at all, though.
His gift: Bigger pads. Much bigger pads and maybe a couch. He'll need them for the beer league he'll be in shortly. Maybe he could also use a head start on that 401K?

Ilya Kovalchuk - Oh, boy, where do we start with Kovy? Maybe the new year will bring new luck to Kovalchuk. One can only hope, at least.
His gift: a copy of NHL 11. He can play as himself and learn how to score again.

Lou Lamoriello - The past six months or so have been a humbling experience for Lou. Usuaully, if Lou wants something, Lou gets it. Nothing has been easy for him lately.
His gift: A Staples Easy Button and/or a "Mulligan" button.

John MacLean - Finally, we get to John MacLean, the former coach of this team. His tenure was an absolute nightmare, but luckily for everyone, it is over.
His gift: a brown paper bag and a check from the unemployment agency.

Any other NJ Devil either deserves coal or nothing. Seriously, what would you give them?

Maybe the team needs a ladder or something, because they all fell head first into the basement.

*Happy holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's to all readers. Be sure to follow Down Goes Avery so you never miss a post! Also, remember to follow me on Twitter (@DownGoesAvery). Next post will be close to or past New Year's.

Most bizarre things thrown onto the ice during a hockey game

As you may or may not know, Toronto Maple Leafs fans are quite creative. What would most fans do when their team struggles or loses? Actually, most people would do nothing, some would do what I do, and complain on a blog, and some would even go as far as updating their Facebook or Twitter accounts. I was at game 7 of the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals between the Devils and Hurricanes in 2008, the year the 'Canes came back and knocked the Devils out of the playoffs. Beer bottles, towels, even jerseys were thrown to the ice in frustration.

There have been many unique ceremonials objects tossed to the ice that pertain to certain events. Hats are thrown to the ice when a player scores his third goal of a game, octopi are thrown to the ice in Detroit during the playoffs (8 wins used to win the Cup, now it is twice that, hence the eight legs of the octopus), and even once, Wings fans threw beef onto the ice. Who would forget the Florida Panthers fans throwing mice onto the ice during the mid-1990s after Scott Mellenby killed a rat in the Panthers' locker room. A Flyers fan even threw a smoke bomb onto the ice in Philadelphia in a game against the Devils a couple years ago. Also, former Devils coach Robbie Ftorek even threw the home team's bench onto the ice. An online campaign led Phoenix Coyotes fans to throwing rubber snakes onto the ice.

But all of those people may have been topped recently. A Toronto Maple Leafs fan threw...waffles onto the ice as he was disgusted with his team's performance during a 6-3 loss to the Atlanta Thrashers. Waffles. Really?!

- First of all, who brings waffles to a hockey game? Is the ACC's restaurant really that bad?

- The fan is now in jail. I want to know something, how many people were injured by this waffle tossing? How is this more violent than hats? You don't see arena staff encouraging fans to throw hats onto the ice...

- If Toronto had played Philly that night, one must wonder if Chris Pronger would have eaten the waffles. Come to think of it, I'm kinda surprised Big Buff resisted.

- The Leafs banned the fan from the arena. One must wonder if this had happened on Long Island, if the fan would have been rewarded with free season tickets. After all, the Isles are desperate to sell tickets.

- I think the ACC should have free waffle night.

- Aren't Leaf fans used to losing by now? I guess they still weren't used to losing to Atlanta.

- The ACC should really work on arena security. If they're so concerned about fans bringing in waffles, maybe pancakes, or even french toast could be next. Oh wait, french toast is only in Montreal. Quebec is French, Ontario is Italian.

- Devils fans should have thrown doughnuts onto the ice after...well, you know when.

- Where was Phil Kessel? He shoots everything in sight on the ice, while Plaxico Burress shoots himself off the field.

- Okay, that last one was pretty bad.

- I have a better idea than waffles. Throw pucks onto the ice during play and see if the Leafs can score with two pucks at once. Probably not, but it's an idea.

- If Gary Bettman was the GM of the Leafs, he probably would have fined the fan $3 million and two draft picks in his fantasy league.

- If this fan likes waffles so much, is he a Toronto Maple Syrups fan?

Chris Pronger's broken foot has him out 4-6 weeks. The do's and don't's of celebrating his absence.

Flyers defenseman Chris Pronger is injured. Badly. He's out 4-6 weeks with a broken foot. Now before we all jump up and down to celebrate, look through this guide for tips of how to celebrate, but don't overdo it.

DO NOT take your team's zamboni out and do burnouts in the streets, especially in silly customes. Trust me, it's not worth the publicity you'll get. Or maybe it is. You'd have to ask Don Wadell that question.

DO host a bonfire and burn a Flyers jersey. It's just ceremonial.

DO slam a guy into the milk shelf at the supermarket. You would be making Pronger proud.

DO NOT tell Paul Holmgren to trade his first round draft pick to get Tomas Kaberle for two reasons: a) Philly hasn't had a first rounder for the past two years and b) Toronto didn't have a first rounder last year and won't have one in 2011, either.

DO call your best prospects up when you face the Flyers. They're safe now.

DO NOT worry, Pronger's salary isn't going anywhere. He's over 35.

DO NOT leave anything where Pronger could see it should you be in the same room as Chris. He might steal it or even throw it at you. That's never happened before, but I feel it's possible. Or maybe he did...

DO check the garbage cans when you leave a room with Pronger in it. Apparently that's where he puts the stuff he steals, not that there's any reason to believe he would do that.

If you're planning to honor Pronger, all you have to do is go to the front of the net and wave at the goalie...with your back turned towards him. After all, Pronger did this to honor Sean Avery.

*If you need any other advice, just tweet to Gary Bettman. He and Chris are really tight.