Players who could impact the NHL playoff race

"I start to play good when we fire our coach, hahahaha!!! ... we fired Bruce Who-dreau???"

As the NHL regular season winds down into its final quarter, the playoff race is tight in both conferences, despite Eastern Conference teams seemingly trying everything they can to miss the playoffs.  As you might expect, teams are banking on certain players to have a significant impact on the playoff race, so I figured I'd mention a few of them.


Sidney Crosby - Most times, teams are thrilled when players can have a positive impact on their own team, yet every time Sidney Crosby's name is mentioned in NHL locker rooms recently, goalies seem to freeze and pass out.  Except for Maple Leafs goaltenders, since they've already headed for the showers by the second period.


Ilya Bryzgalov - Ilya Bryzgalov seems to have saved his season, and there's a good reason why.  He's spent all season trying to find the exact spot in the universe where his former team, the Phoenix Coyotes will be playing next season, after finding no results for "2012-13 Coyotes season tickets."


Alexander Radulov - Due to a bizarre set of circumstances, Radulov might actually come to the NHL this season and play with the Preds in the playoffs.  If he gets the Preds past the first round, he'd be the first russian hockey player named "Alexander" to succeed in the NHL playoffs.

Who is the best player in the NHL right now?

For the first half of the season, Sidney Crosby was the best player in the NHL. Following his injury, Steven Stamkos exploded, and some believed he was the best player in the league, but as of today, who's the best player the league has to offer? Check out my analysis.


Henrik & Daniel Sedin - Some NHL statisticians have been claiming that they may have mixed up some of the points awarded to Daniel Sedin. They said something about not being able to tell him apart from his linemate. Ironically enough, they said the same think about Henrik. Excuses...

Steven Stamkos - While he's a nice guy, he didn't have to take measures to such extremes as to cool off his goal scoring to wait for Sidney Crosby to come back from his concussion. This has Martin St. Louis annoyed.

Alex Ovechkin - Ovechkin leads the NHL in shots, yet he has managed to be tied with a NY Islander, John Tavares, for 21st in the NHL in goals, and trails another Islander, Michael Grabner, overall. Another interesting point is that while they may live in the same city, it may be tougher for Ovechkin to visit the White House than teams from far away.

Corey Perry - While Perry is talented, he hasn't managed to take a big step into becoming a true NHL star. How do you accomplish that? Have your name mentioned on ESPN at least once a year.

Mikhail Grabovski - Hey, just because he's the best player on the Leafs does not automatically mean he's the best player in the NHL...

Henrik Zetterberg - He doesn't lead the league in any statistical categories, but I'd love to know what he wears to games on gameday, especially after pulling this off at his wedding. http://bit.ly/eiVofr

Matt Cooke - Amazingly, this pesky dirty forward does not lead his team in suspended games.

Loui Eriksson - Two thoughts come to mind when thinking about Eriksson, especially to the casual hockey fan, and it can't be both. Who? OR Most talented athlete in the state of Texas. Actually, I'm pretty sure nobody in Texas thinks that...

Brad Richards - Yes, Richards is having another great season, but consider 2 things: He's un unrestricted free agent at the end of the season, and might be signed by the NY Rangers. Glen Sather then overpays for Richards, and Richards becomes bust #2334 in New York, just behind Wade Redden and Carl Pavano.

Sidney Crosby - He didn't have enough time to lock up the Art Ross trophy before he got knocked out, but I'll tell you what he does have plenty of time to do right now: develop normal facial hair. When he does, he'll have to teach Jeff Skinner how to do it.

Paul Bissonnette - These days, people are judged by how many followers they have on Twitter, right?

Eric Staal - Not sure about Eriksson in Texas, but it's safe to say Eric Staal is North Carolina's most talented athlete, yes, including college basketball. I don't think any Carolina Panthers will be upset or insulted that I said that...once someone tells them who Eric Staal is.

Keith Yandle - The 24 year old has 41 assists in 59 games from the blue line, trailing 3 Swedes and St. Louis in the league. Now, put him on a team with real offensive players, and he's a superstar.

Brandon Dubinsky - Dubinsky is tied with Lucic for the NHL lead in empty net goals.

Dustin Byfuglien - If he was an actual defenseman, his stats would be quite impressive, but he's not, nor is he a candidate for the Selke Trophy. Still, I figured I'd include him because I remembered how to spell his name correctly.

Sean Avery - Whoa, I have no idea how that got there.

Chris Pronger - His ability to shatter fellow players and intimidate them just by being in the same state has to draw some consideration. That may reveal why Crosby and Malkin will be out so long.

Ilya Kovalchuk - Only Couture has more game-winning goals than Ilya, nobody has more overtime goals than Kovy, he's also scored the first goal of a game seven times, and he only has one empty net goal. Since he has 4 game winners over the past two weeks, and he's got points in 9 straight games, goals in 4 straight, as well as 11 goals during the Devils' 14-1-2 run, I conclude that Kovalchuk is the best player in the league right now...no bias.

The BHL (Bettman Hockey League) on NHL 11

As you may or may not know by now, I know a lot of things about Gary Bettman that most people do not know. In fact, I know things about Gary Bettman that not even Gary Bettman knows. For instance, he nearly missed a meeting in New York City in 2007 because he was in a suburb playing tennis and going to Starbucks (this is, in fact, factual). But, let's take a look at his NHL 11 starting lineup and come to conclusions from it.

G - Marc-Andre Fleury - Bettman's goaltender is Fleury. This is not terribly surprising, as you will see a strong trend of Pittsburgh Penguins throughout his roster.

C - Sidney Crosby - Again, no real surprise here. What is particularly interesting about this is that he seems to have edited Crosby to a 99 overall. He also called EA Sports and asked why they don't allow 100 overall, and the technician simply said, "cry baby."

LW - Sean Avery - Bettman must have been looking for a character player that plays physical and with an edge. Good thing he didn't pick Chris Pronger. Oh, wait...

RW - David Booth - He didn't want to have to suspend anyone for knocking Booth out, especially someone on his own team, because after all, it doesn't take much to knock Booth out. Interestingly enough, Bettman has changed Booth's name to "Colin Campbell."

D - Kris Letang - Bettman still calls Letang the "best defenseman in hockey."

D - Chris Pronger - There is only one logical explanation one can draw from this decision: Pronger is the easiest player to knock out Alex Ovechkin.

Other game trends/modifications I noticed:
- Bettman has also made a few modifications to some players in the league. For example, he has dropped Ilya Kovalchuk's "puck control" to a 50, just in case the game gets to a shootout.
- He has reduced Alex Ovechkin to a 50 overall, making it easier for Pronger to level him.
- Bettman has also added a characteristic to Mike Mottau's profile that reads "how to look absolutely confused in front of your own net and then turn the puck over when it comes to you." Mottau is a 99 on that characteristic. Not sure if that's good or bad, though.
- Keith Ballard has a frequency to slam his stick on the post whenever he goaltender allows easy rebound goals on breakaways.
- There is a mercy rule at Joe Louis arena. Once the home team scores 7 goals, it is automatically over, no matter what the actual score is.
- Matt Cooke seems to be magnetically attracted to Marc Savard whenever Pittsburgh plays Boston, and usually, the feed after the game reads "Bruins forward Marc Savard will miss 6-8 months with a concussion."
- Phil Kessel can only be traded out of Toronto if 2 first round draft picks from terrible teams are offered. Usually, only the Islanders and Oilers are eligible.
- The Montreal Canadiens have been moved to Hawaii. This is a sure way to expand the NHL into new and exciting markets. Fans on the game always boo the team, though, possibly due to the fact that they are still named the "Canadiens."
- Scott Stevens is the head coach of the Devils, and whenever the Devils go into Philadelphia, Eric Lindros elbows him in the jaw before the game.
- EA Sports forgot to remove Don Koharski as a referee, and whenever he goes to New Jersey, if you listen closely, you can hear fans chanting "Have another doughnut."
- There's a glitch that if you shoot at Michael Leighton from the left side under the circle in the Stanley Cup finals, it almost always scores.
- Sidney Crosby always scores on Ryan Miller, but only when he plays for the Canadian national team.
- The Colorado Avalanche's goal horn will make you deaf if you can still here after the announcers scream.
- You don't have to, but you have the option of listening to the national anthem in Chicago. The only thing you'll hear is 20,000 voices that sound like they're at a Jonas Brothers concert.
- During intermissions in Washington, Mike Green always drives a Zamboni into the Geico sign in the boards.
- Sidney Crosby's playoff beard grows noticeably after every period in the playoffs.
- Anytime Steven Stamkos fires a one-timer, it is automatically called back for being played with a high stick.
- The only player Derek Boogard is not capable of knocking out in one punch is Sidney Crosby. It takes two for him.
- Eric Staal always scores on Martin Brodeur, but only within a minute of his team tying a game 7 of a playoff series inside of two minutes to go.
- Glen Sather always overpays mediocre free agents, usually veterans in their upper 40s.
- Before he moved the Habs to Hawaii, every time the Canadiens went off-side, there's a storm of "boos."

These are just a few of the many things I have found interesting about Bettman's copy of NHL 11. Of course, he scribbled "the BHL" on his cover, but other than that, everything seems normal. Sometimes.


Oh, one more thing: I stole that Devil graphic from here: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3397/3269087803_a221fa544a.jpg

My sitdown with Gary Bettman - VERY revealing

In 2007, when the NHL was having disputes with the NHL player's association, Gary Bettman had scheduled a meeting in New York city, and people thought there could potentially be another lockout. Well, a friend of mine (true story) spotted Bettman at a local Starbucks in a New Jersey suburb the morning of the meetings on his way to a tennis match. Since I figured I would find him at Starbucks again Saturday, I asked the NHL commissioner to sit down with me and discuss some topics.

Down Goes Avery: Thank you, Mr. Bettman, for taking the time to sit down with me.

Gary Bettman: No problem. It was either sitting with you or drinking my coffee alone.

DGA: So, Mr. Bettman, what can you tell me about the state of the NHL right now?

GB: Well, it's funny, we've gotten to the point where Americans have started to follow Pittsburgh, Washington and Chicago, they're all exciting young hockey teams, and we're excited about our on-ice product right now. It seems like the perfect time call up the boys at ESPN and put those guys on a network people have actually heard of.

DGA: So you're scrapping Versus?

GB: Absolutely. That whole blackout thing was a publicity stunt I got away with to lure in ESPN.

DGA: What do you have to say about Colin Campbell and the referees?

GB: We evaluate every single referee after every game, and as long as he tells me that the Penguins are his favorite team not named "Toronto Maple Leafs," he's fine. It's people who like the Flyers or Devils that I have a problem with.

DGA: Why is that, Mr. Bettman?

GB: Well, it's quite simple. Those teams have been ruining hockey for years. The Flyers, for example, have been known to have, how do you say this nicely, gritty players on their team. An example of this is Eric Lindros, and when Scott Stevens wrecked Lindros, it made it easy for me. Lindros got hurt and I could have punished Stevens...

DGA: Why didn't you?

GB: I was tanning in Florida that week. When I heard about the incident, I flew up to Philly, but it was too late.

DGA: So, what about the Devils?

GB: Well, the Devils always played a neutral zone trap, and what that means is...

DGA: Mr. Bettman, I know what the trap is.

GB: Oh, of course, you actually watch hockey, I forgot that there actually are Americans outside of D.C., Pittsburgh and Chicago that care. Basically, the Devils ruined hockey. So we placed a trapezoid behind the net, and if you think about it, that's perfect. The trapezoid. Devils play the trap, we put in a trapezoid (laughs). And some people asked me what would happen if the Devils signed Kovalchuk, and I chuckled.

DGA: You're not a Kovalchuk fan, are you?

GB: He's not good for hockey. He's ruining hockey. He's not the kind of player we love at the commissioner's office.

DGA: But why, Mr. Bettman? The Devils threw away their defensive system and signed a superstar?

GB: Yes, but they cheated.

DGA: You didn't really think that was illegal, do you?

GB: We didn't like the contract, so we went after Lou Lamoriello and we won. Contracts like that are ruining hockey.

DGA: Okay, anyway, changing subjects, the collective bargaining agreement. Where is that process right now?

GB: I don't know! I guess we'll talk about that maybe the day before we lock the league out again.

DGA: Hasn't the player's association called you yet?

GB: I blocked them from my phone. They are ruining hockey.

DGA: So hockey fans should expect another lockout?

GB: What else would you expect? We have no alternative. Through my experience, you can't just give in to the demands of the player's association. We're not trying to ruin hockey, after all.

DGA: Yes, but wouldn't it benefit everyone if there was hockey instead of a lockout?

GB: No, not really. The good teams will make money, and then once we come back, we can award a first overall pick.

DGA: Speaking of that first overall pick, what happened in 2005 after that lockout?

GB: Well, a lot of people think I fixed the draft to amuse myself. That is completely untrue.

DGA: So what actually happened?

GB: I fixed the draft. But I had some friends that were depressed about the financial situation in Pittsburgh. I thought to myself, why would I want a first overall pick, especially a player like Sidney Crosby, to go to California? So I called up Mario [Lemieux], and we worked out a deal that the Penguins would get Crosby if I gave them the first overall pick. Hey listen, Anaheim still got a good player, and they won a Stanley Cup before Pittsburgh did.

DGA: Moving on, what has been the most rewarding day for you as commissioner?

GB: The day Scott Stevens retired.

DGA: Why?

GB: I was scared to death of him. Every time I had to give him the Stanley Cup, I was scared he would level me. But trust me, if he did, I would have made sure he got suspended. It's guys like Stevens that were ruining hockey.

DGA: Why would it matter, if you were giving him the Cup, the season was over.

GB: I could have extended the series.

DGA: Good thing that didn't happen. So what can we expect from you in the future?

GB: Well, after the next lockout, we are planning to make some changes. The league is exciting right now, and we're going to make some changes, and while we're not sure what they will be, you can bet Lou Lamoriello isn't going to like them.

DGA: So, if any other commissioner were in control of the NHL, how many Cups do you think the Devils would have by now?

GB: Eight, nine, maybe more. But they're done. Lou might think that his tricks with Kovalchuk intimidate me, but hey, you don't mess with me. I'll burn you every time. Those guys were ruining hockey.

DGA: Mr. Bettman, I want to let you know that you have ruined my hockey life over the past seven years or so, and I wish you the worst in the future.

GB: Thank you. It really moves me when fans can appriciate my work.

* The commissioner told me that if I published this interview, I would be fined $3 million plus a first round draft pick. Since I didn't know what that means since that clearly has never happened to a team I follow, I shrugged my shoulder and said "fine."