Ilya Kovalchuk's impact on the Devils...and Thrashers

Well, there you have it (2009-10a represents the teams' winning percentage before the Ilya Kovalchuk trade, and 2009-10b represents the records post Kovy). The Devils have taken a turn for the worst since the trade, or at least the graph above would indicate so. The Devils are also the ONLY team in the NHL with fewer than 2.00 goals per game (currently at 1.76 GPG), with 51 goals for in 29 games played. The 29th place team offensively are the Islanders, who sit at 2.11 goals per game. The Devils are also tied for 28th in the NHL in powerplay goals (13), but are last with just 33 5-on-5 goals for.

It doesn't get too much prettier defensively, either. The Devils are allowing 3.00 goals per game against, with is outrageous for a Devils team. That 3.00 mark ranks 26th-best in the 30-team NHL. Considering the Devils rank tied for 8th with a penalty kill of 84.3%, you can assume most of those 87 goals that the Devils have allowed have been even strength goals. It gets better. The Devils have allowed the 8th fewest shots per game (28.9), and the Devils save percentage as a team is .896. In the 2nd period this season, the Devils are being outscored 41-18, and the 1st and 3rd periods aren't terribly better.

What does all this mean? Well, let's just say when you rank lower than the New York Islanders, Toronto Maple Leafs and Edmonton Oilers in all of those categories, it is quite alarming. The problem is, the Devils are spending more money than those teams and have...let's put it nicely, more TALENT than those teams. The Devils are 8-19-2. That's horrible for any team, let alone a team that was power ranked 6th in TSN's pre-season rankings.

Why are the Devils the laughest stock of the NHL this season? It can't be to get a top draft pick, partially due to the fact that if the Devils were to rebuild, they would surrender a draft pick for Kovalchuk now, and besides, the 2011 NHL draft does not appear to be very strong.

I blame Lou Lamoriello, honestly. He signed Volchenkov and Tallinder, traded for Arnott and brought Kovalchuk back over the off-season, but this is still a very inexperienced defensive group, and yes, injuries have plagued this team, but they looked flat from day one. They weren't winning with Parise, granted he wasn't 100% at all this season. Was signing Kovalchuk really the best thing to do for this team when the defense lacked a true number one, puck-moving, scoring defenseman? Every winner has one. Lidstrom, Keith, Gonchar, Pronger, etc. Those teams win. Successful teams are also build down the middle, and the Devils are weak at center. Travis Zajac had a good year with Parise, but he is not a legitimate #1 offensive center. He is not a natural playmaker, and he has no chemistry with Ilya Kovalchuk. Jason Arnott is big and strong and has played well to an extent, but he isn't the answer, at least long-term. Sure, there are prospects. Josefson, Henrique, MacIntyre, etc. are all talented, but the Devils lack a consistent #1 center. Hell, I'll take Antione Vermette over any center this team has.

Bad goaltending, lackluster defense, salary cap problems, absolutely unacceptable offensive woes and a rookie coach has added to up to disaster of a recipe for the Devils this year, and doing nothing accomplishes nothing. It doesn't guarantee a first overall draft pick and it doesn't help either starting a rebuilding process or trying to salvage this season. Lou is doing what Lou does best...nothing, but he has to start doing something, now.

As I type this, Brian Rolston is waived, which accomplishes NOTHING. His salary stays on the books unless some other GM is out of his mind and claims him. Maybe Lou is trying to get him claimed on re-entry, but I doubt it. Just beautiful. What a season...

Closed door conversation between Lou Lamoriello and John MacLean

There has been a lot of tension around the New Jersey Devils this season, and rightfully so. As I write this, the team is 8-18-2, 18 points and last in the NHL in points. Oh no, wait, the Islanders are still listed as an "NHL team." Still, they're 29th in the league, and no matter what reasons or excuses you find, it doesn't seem to bother GM Lou Lamoriello the way it should. Take a look:

John MacLean: Good morning, Lou, can I have a quick word with you?

Lou Lamoriello: Ah, hurry up, I'm on my way to Whole Foods to buy some new organic jelly. I hear it washes off walls reeeally well.

JM: (*gulp*) I just wanted to go over the waiver move you made today...

LL: Oh, yes, it's pretty simple, actually. I sent Stephen Gionta and Olivier Magnan-Grenier to the AHL, but I'm going to trade them. I was simming a season on GM Mode on NHL 11 and both players appeared on the Islanders, so I chose "best lines," and believe it or not, both players were top line/pairing players. I'd figure I'll call my buddy, Garth Snow, and we'll work out a deal.

JM: Wait, didn't you say Garth Snow helped you with the Kovalchuk contract? Wasn't it something about how to turn a player into a huge bust with a massive contract?

LL: (becomes uneasy) No, of course not. We just like to...play golf, that's all.

JM: Anyway, can I ask why you chose to send those players down today?

LL: Well, I was watching practice and I saw Ilya Kovalchuk blocking shots. This angered me, because he should be half way up the neutral zone. Then I realized who was shooting. First it was Magnan, then it was Stephen. That explains why Ilya was able to block the shots.

JM: Actually, sir, I've been trying to get Kovy to play defensively and be a part of our team system.

LL: (falls off chair laughing) You think I signed this guy for 15 years so he could be into some stupid defensive system? (spits coffee onto large stack of papers to his left)

JM: What are those papers?

LL: Oh, that's my essay I wrote, it's 100 reasons why YOUR team should trade for Brian Rolston. I sent it to every GM.

JM: Any takers?

LL: Well, I got one in the mail and it sounded appealing to me.

JM: ...

LL: Oh by the way, you're fired. I'm coaching this team now.

JM: ...

LL: Oh, and check these out! (reaches into box in corner of office and pulls out a t-shirt) It's my "REFUND" shirt campaign! I'm giving them away to every fan at the Detroit game Saturday night. I mean, half the people won't get it since it'll be half Detroit fans anyway because I have absolutely no idea how to properly market my team, but for half the arena, it will be great! What color should the shirts be?

JM: ...

LL: Before I completely fire you, I need to explain something to the players...

JM: LOU!!! What does "refund" mean?

LL: Hold on. (pulls out oversized dictionary)

JM: No! I mean why are you giving everyone "REFUND" shirts?

LL: Oh, simple question, why didn't you just ask??? The "REFUND" is a petition to Gary Bettman to get Kovalchuk to pay me my $100 million back. I tried "MULLIGAN," to have another shot at this season, but the marketing department didn't like that idea.

JM: Don't you think that's a bit too...

LL: Ah, wait, Johnny! You wait and see! This will be the second most worn shirt in New Jersey for the next...well, however long I decide to run the campaign.

JM: What's the most worn shirt?

LL: (pulls out another shirt)

JM: "Fire MacLean?"

LL: Oh, about that. I'm not really interested in coaching. You're back hired. (picks up coffee and box of "REFUND" t-shirts and leaves office)

JM: Noooo!!!!

The BHL (Bettman Hockey League) on NHL 11

As you may or may not know by now, I know a lot of things about Gary Bettman that most people do not know. In fact, I know things about Gary Bettman that not even Gary Bettman knows. For instance, he nearly missed a meeting in New York City in 2007 because he was in a suburb playing tennis and going to Starbucks (this is, in fact, factual). But, let's take a look at his NHL 11 starting lineup and come to conclusions from it.

G - Marc-Andre Fleury - Bettman's goaltender is Fleury. This is not terribly surprising, as you will see a strong trend of Pittsburgh Penguins throughout his roster.

C - Sidney Crosby - Again, no real surprise here. What is particularly interesting about this is that he seems to have edited Crosby to a 99 overall. He also called EA Sports and asked why they don't allow 100 overall, and the technician simply said, "cry baby."

LW - Sean Avery - Bettman must have been looking for a character player that plays physical and with an edge. Good thing he didn't pick Chris Pronger. Oh, wait...

RW - David Booth - He didn't want to have to suspend anyone for knocking Booth out, especially someone on his own team, because after all, it doesn't take much to knock Booth out. Interestingly enough, Bettman has changed Booth's name to "Colin Campbell."

D - Kris Letang - Bettman still calls Letang the "best defenseman in hockey."

D - Chris Pronger - There is only one logical explanation one can draw from this decision: Pronger is the easiest player to knock out Alex Ovechkin.

Other game trends/modifications I noticed:
- Bettman has also made a few modifications to some players in the league. For example, he has dropped Ilya Kovalchuk's "puck control" to a 50, just in case the game gets to a shootout.
- He has reduced Alex Ovechkin to a 50 overall, making it easier for Pronger to level him.
- Bettman has also added a characteristic to Mike Mottau's profile that reads "how to look absolutely confused in front of your own net and then turn the puck over when it comes to you." Mottau is a 99 on that characteristic. Not sure if that's good or bad, though.
- Keith Ballard has a frequency to slam his stick on the post whenever he goaltender allows easy rebound goals on breakaways.
- There is a mercy rule at Joe Louis arena. Once the home team scores 7 goals, it is automatically over, no matter what the actual score is.
- Matt Cooke seems to be magnetically attracted to Marc Savard whenever Pittsburgh plays Boston, and usually, the feed after the game reads "Bruins forward Marc Savard will miss 6-8 months with a concussion."
- Phil Kessel can only be traded out of Toronto if 2 first round draft picks from terrible teams are offered. Usually, only the Islanders and Oilers are eligible.
- The Montreal Canadiens have been moved to Hawaii. This is a sure way to expand the NHL into new and exciting markets. Fans on the game always boo the team, though, possibly due to the fact that they are still named the "Canadiens."
- Scott Stevens is the head coach of the Devils, and whenever the Devils go into Philadelphia, Eric Lindros elbows him in the jaw before the game.
- EA Sports forgot to remove Don Koharski as a referee, and whenever he goes to New Jersey, if you listen closely, you can hear fans chanting "Have another doughnut."
- There's a glitch that if you shoot at Michael Leighton from the left side under the circle in the Stanley Cup finals, it almost always scores.
- Sidney Crosby always scores on Ryan Miller, but only when he plays for the Canadian national team.
- The Colorado Avalanche's goal horn will make you deaf if you can still here after the announcers scream.
- You don't have to, but you have the option of listening to the national anthem in Chicago. The only thing you'll hear is 20,000 voices that sound like they're at a Jonas Brothers concert.
- During intermissions in Washington, Mike Green always drives a Zamboni into the Geico sign in the boards.
- Sidney Crosby's playoff beard grows noticeably after every period in the playoffs.
- Anytime Steven Stamkos fires a one-timer, it is automatically called back for being played with a high stick.
- The only player Derek Boogard is not capable of knocking out in one punch is Sidney Crosby. It takes two for him.
- Eric Staal always scores on Martin Brodeur, but only within a minute of his team tying a game 7 of a playoff series inside of two minutes to go.
- Glen Sather always overpays mediocre free agents, usually veterans in their upper 40s.
- Before he moved the Habs to Hawaii, every time the Canadiens went off-side, there's a storm of "boos."

These are just a few of the many things I have found interesting about Bettman's copy of NHL 11. Of course, he scribbled "the BHL" on his cover, but other than that, everything seems normal. Sometimes.


Oh, one more thing: I stole that Devil graphic from here: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3397/3269087803_a221fa544a.jpg

Just in! Ilya Kovalchuk returns salary to Lou Lamoriello

(*note: I have blacked out Kovalchuk's address for his personel well-being.)

Well, there you have it. Kovalchuk wrote a check for $100 million to Lou Lamoriello this morning, obviously, since I gathered the top secret picture of it less than two hours ago. What is unclear about all of this is whether or not Lou will continue to allow Ilya to play. What is clear is that if he does, he'll be the cheapest player in NHL history, as he will cost the team absolutely nothing. His $6.67 million cap hit will likely remain pending league review. Now, I jumped right into action and I called Gary Bettman this morning to see if this violated any Collective Bargaining Agreement rules. Here's what he told me via phone:

"To answer your question, the player would be penalized severely for an illegal transaction of money. I mean, we're probably going to have to suspend him once we review the situation. The New Jersey Devils have kind of been in a tough situation since the summer, and the penalties they have already faced are rather unfortunate, because everyone knows the level of respect I have for Lou Lamoriello and Scott Stevens and all of the guys that quite honestly, I'm scared of that work for that organization...we will probably hand out the harshest penalties possible sometime next week, but hey, that guy is stuck on their roster for 15 years. 15 years! Do you know how many times I will have locked the league out in 15 years? The average salary will probably be fourteen bucks in 15 years at this rate!"

Bettman would not comment on why he plans to lock the league out.

I am taking a few things out of what has unfolded today:

- Lou Lamoriello needs to buy himself a new yacht.
- The Devils are still stuck with Kovalchuk for 15 years.
- $100 million is a lot for a simple apology to your general manager.
- Does this make the Devils the most valuable team in the NHL?
- Does Ilya's no-trade clause go away?

Other than that, I think it was a kind gesture by Mr. Kovalchuk to relieve management of his salary. I think a lot of players (*Scott Gomez*) can learn from what Ilya did today, and hopefully this will make the NHL a much better league.

However, there is one problem will all of this. Upon studying the check closer, I found something that may make this process a little more difficult:



So, now what?

The "Sean Avery" rule, why Chris Pronger got it all wrong

How dare Chris Pronger get penalized for the "Sean Avery" rule?! Now, we know Pronger is the all-time leader in unsportsmanlike penalties (actually, statistically speaking, I am wrong, but who cares about stats, anyway?!), but he took things a bit too far when he actually did a pretty good Avery imitation. However, he did it wrong. Here's what I mean:

- First of all, in order to act like a complete idiot and complete the "Sean Avery" rule, you have to face the goaltender you are trying to make try to kill you...if that made any sense at all. If you have your back turned towards the goalie, you simply look like you're waving to him and you're also in danger of being run over by the goalie. Advice to Pronger: face the goalie and get in his face. Really.

- Secondly, you have to wave your stick in the air. Now, Pronger's stick is kind of like magnetically forced into the ice, but it doesn't matter, you have to raise your stick and block the goalie's vision. If you don't, it'll look like you're acting like a forward trying to deflect the puck into the net or prepare yourself for a secondary scoring chance. Since we know this is clearly not the case in this scenario, it means Pronger is an idiot. Advice to Pronger: once you have properly turned to face the goalie, get your hockey stick up in the goaltender's face. Don't be scared of him, just remember, if the goalie grabs your stick, break it, and you'll draw a penalty.

- The third thing I didn't like was that Chris Pronger was hardly even in front of the net. His positioning was absolutely terrible. In order to fully appreciate what Sean Avery did, you have to get in the goalie's face and skate into the blue crease. Warning: you may get called for goalie interference, but since you're such an idiot already, it really doesn't matter. Advice to Pronger: get into the crease take the cross-check. You've injured enough guys where you could probably handle a few checks yourself.

However, I feel that I am being a bit harsh on Mr. Pronger here. After all, he wasn't obvious with the way he gestured Miikka Kiprusoff. There's no way Avery could ever get away with what he did then in today's NHL, which raises the question: why is Avery still in the NHL? Chris Pronger will always have his size, which allows him to bulldoze other players at his will, which is nice for him, because it keeps guys like Pronger in the league and getting paid quite well while doing so.

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Now, since I was on the subject of dirty hits, Sidney Crosby has received a lot of criticism for his "dirty play" against the New York Rangers, and specifically Ryan Callahan. I had two initial reactions to this: a) if any player NOT named Crosby had committed such evil, would we even care? b) It's against the Rangers, so everyone should applaud Crosby. But, of course, to be politically correct, I suppose I must agree with everyone else and come to realize that Crosby is a dirty player. Considering that Alex Ovechkin has already been deemed evil by many fans, I guess that means Steven Stamkos should be the face of the NHL and an ambassador to sports fans across America. Now, if I could only remember the name of the team he played for...I think it's Tampa. Tampa Bay...Rays???

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Okay, quick rant about the new All-Star game format. It's pretty obvious what Gary Bettman is doing. He challenged Colin Campbell to a 2-on-2 fantasy hockey league and Bettman naturally selected Crosby and Campbell chose Ovechkin. Campbell and Ovechkin have had many heart-to-heart talks about suspensions in the past, so they know each other, and well, I don't need to explain Crosby and Bettman's relationship. Oh, shoot, that didn't come out right...

Bettman and Campbell are simply going to brainwash the two stars into picking the players they have in their 2-on-2 leagues and probably made serious bets on who wins. If Bettman's team wins, he gets to lock the NHL out again, but if Campbell wins, Campbell gets to lock the NHL out again. They may have forgotten that the Collective Bargaining Agreement doesn't expire until after NEXT season, however it is Gary Bettman we're talking about.

Let's put this topic to rest at this: I could think of a better way to burn millions of bucks and have absolutely nobody watch three hours of TV. Except I would save hockey fans of the humiliation by posting a blank, black screen for that time.