Charles Wang's notes from the Brooklyn press conference

Charles Wang indicating the number of people
who are sad to leave Nassau Coliseum.

Once upon a time, the 1980s happened.  Gas prices were cheap[er], people were having terrible crises with their hair and the New York Islanders were relevant.  But since winning four straight Stanley Cup championships to kick off that decade, they've pretty much been a joke.  Nowadays, a trip to the playoffs for the Islanders is as rare as Rick DiPietro playing consecutive games (that's your unoriginal and quite honestly terrible joke about Rick DiPietro for the day).  Now though, the Islanders have decided that the best way to forget their misery is to move west and abandon Nassau County and the awful concrete slab of an arena that sits in it.  The Islanders are moving to Brooklyn.

Islanders owner Charles Wang held a press conference to announce the move to Brooklyn to those who don't have Twitter accounts.  I wasn't there, but thanks to some friends in the media business, I obtained a copy of Charles Wang's notes from the presser, and I'm here to share them with you.

How to prevent another NHL lockout

"How many fingers am I holding up?  That's how many lockouts the NHL will have suffered by time I'm done here.
You're welcome, David Stern!"

For the, uhh, millionth third time in the Gary Bettman era, the NHL faces the possibility of a lockout that would shorten, or worse-yet cancel another season of NHL hockey.  In case you didn't know, Bettman worked for David Stern in the NBA before becoming NHL commissioner in 1993.  The first lockout happened in the fall of 1994 (yes, right as MLB was finishing up a strike of their own) and forced the 1994-95 season down to 48 games.  But I'm not complaining, because there was a happy ending to that season.  Then, exactly 10 years later, the entire 2004-05 season was lost to a lockout.  So here we are in 2012, desperately hoping to avoid a third lockout in a 20 year period.  Gary Bettman told us not to be worried three weeks ago, but now says he's prepared for a lockout.  But this can all be avoided.  I've arranged a few helpful tips for the NHL and NHLPA to prevent another lockout.

• Well, the easiest way to settle the labor war is to lock Gary Bettman and NHLPA director Donald Fehr into a room, and whoever comes out alive after an hour gets whatever they want in the new Collective Bargaining Agreement.
   
• Make sure the next CBA has a no-lockout clause, similarly to players' no-trade clauses.
   
• Have the NHLPA hire someone who's been in a sport that never locks out.  Okay, anyone but Donald Fehr...
   
• Tell Ryan Suter and Zach Parise that they won't be able to make their salaries...oh, right, they have massive signing bonuses that pay them even if this very sort of thing happens.  Never mind...
   
• Put Dany Heatley on the NHLPA's player committee and tell him that if there's no CBA in place, he can't inevitably request a trade to Edmonton.  Or Pittsburgh. 

Biggest stories heading into the playoffs



"Alexander, how does it feel to replace Carrie Underwood as the face of the Predators?"

 Well, it's been another entertaining season of NHL hockey (except in New Jersey, since by definition, hockey in New Jersey has to be boring.  Even if that means Ilya Kovalchuk and Zach Parise are classified as boring players.), which means the playoffs are just around the corner for the top eight teams from each conference.  We've seen a lot of interesting things this season, so here's a look at the top stories going into the playoffs.


Ottawa doesn't suck - Despite every single 'hockey expert,' plus Damien Cox, predicting the Senators to finish dead last in the Eastern Conference this season, they're a playoff team and might even finish as high as 2nd in the conference.  Yet management claims that their success this season has nothing to do with the fact that they threatened to trade the team's worst player to Edmonton at the end of the season.  Weird.


Radulov's back - After completing his fourth straight season in Russia's KHL, Alexander Radulov decided it was time to return to the NHL and the Nashville Predators.  This fulfills Caps' general manager George McPhee's bold prediction that 'Alexander will definitely be ready for the playoffs by the end of March.'


Florida Panthers are back in the playoffs - They haven't officially clinched a playoff berth yet, but barring a historic collapse, the Panthers will be a part of the Stanley Cup playoffs for the first time in...umm, a very long time.  It's been so long, in fact, that Sean Avery hadn't pissed off anyone in the NHL yet.


Sharks on the playoff bubble - Since the lockout, hockey fans can be assured of two things: the Toronto Maple Leafs will miss the playoffs and the San Jose Sharks will collapse in the playoffs.  This season, the latter won't happen if the Sharks actually miss the playoffs.  This year's Sharks are so bad, in fact, that Martin Havlat is averaging fewer points per game than during his Minnesota days.  Think about that.

Things that happen in the first 5 seconds of hockey games



Hey Torts, Y U HEFF TO BE MAD?


Last night at Madison Square Garden, the Devils and Rangers engaged in three simultanious fights immediately after puck drop (see below).

The results of this included an energized crowd, two angry coaches and some blood.  But was that the most interesting thing that has ever happened at the start of a hockey game?  I've thought of a few others, so you can make the decision for yourselves.

• Rick DiPietro leaves the game with an undisclosed injury, such as itchy finger nail.
   
• The Toronto Maple Leafs are losing 4-0.
   
• Sidney Crosby has already been named first star of the game.
   
• John Tortorella is fuming, because the opposing coach actually started a line.
   
• Zdeno Chara has stepped onto the ice, and all five opposing skaters gulp.
   
• Kyle Wellwood has become famished.
  

How to be a good road fan at an NHL game

 

Yes, it is proven to be more entertaining to be places where you're not wanted.  Just ask Sean Avery.

 Last night, I was a part of the Devils Generals' group that invaded Nassau Coliseum.  As much as Devils fans get annoyed when groups of visiting fans chant for their teams at Prudential Center, our cheers were loud and at times, well, obnoxious.  It got me thinking, how do you be a good road fan when you're on the road with your favorite team?  I've come up with a list of do's and don't's.


DO: Cheer when your team's players step onto the ice for warm-ups.
DON'T: Bang on the glass when Zdeno Chara is nearby, as you might be killed.


DO: Hi-five other fans of your team when you see them walking around the arena.
DON'T: Hi-five Rick DiPietro.  You might break him.


DO: Bring your own food, since the food is probably over-priced at the arena.
DON'T: Bring waffles to the Air Canada Centre.  It just won't end well for you.


DO: Engage in educated hockey conversations with visiting fans.
DON'T: Ask a Penguins fan who their favorite player before 2005 was.  They'll give you a blank stare.


DO: Laugh off home fans who make fun of your team.
DON'T: Tell them that their team sucks, especially if your team is out of the playoffs.